Magnificent promises are always to be suspected. – Theodore Parker
FOR TODAY – JANUARY 21st – THURSDAY
21st day of 2010 with 344 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
* National Hugging Day
* National Granola Bar Day
* Squirrel Appreciation Day
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
1824 Thomas Jonathan “Stonewall” Jackson, Clarksburg (VA, now WV), Confederate army general
1884 Roger Nash Baldwin, Mass., one of the founders of the American Civil Liberties Union
1905 Christian Dior, Normandy France, fashion designer
1912 Konrad Bloch, Germany, biochemist (studied cholesterol-Nobel 1964)
1923 Judith Merril, Boston MA, sci-fi writer, editor (That Only a Mother, Gunner Cade)
1924 Telly [Aristotle] Savalas, Garden City Long Island NY, actor (Acapulco, Kojak)
1926 Steve Reeves, Glasgow MT, actor (Hercules, Hercules Unchained)
1940 Jack Nicklaus, Columbus OH, golfer (Player of Year 1967, 72, 73, 75, 76)
1941 Placido Domingo, Madrid Spain, opera tenor (Pinkerton-Madame Butterfly)
1947 Jill Eikenberry, New Haven CT, actress (Ann Kelsey-LA Law, Manhattan Project)
1956 Virginia Elizabeth “Geena” Davis, actress, producer, writer, former fashion model, women’s Olympics archery team semi-finalist (The Fly, The Accidental Tourist, Thelma & Louise, A League of Their Own, Stuart Little, Commander In Chief)
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Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
1789 The first American novel, The Power of Sympathy or the Triumph of Nature Founded in Truth, is printed in Boston, Massachusetts.
1915 Kiwanis International founded in Detroit, Michigan.
1935 The Wilderness Society is founded
1949 First inaugural parade televised (Harry S. Truman)
1954 First atomic submarine, USS Nautilus, launched on Thames River in Groton CT, christened by First Lady Mamie Eisenhower
1976 Commercial service of Concorde begins with London-Bahrain and Paris-Rio routes.
1977 President Jimmy Carter pardons almost all Vietnam War draft evaders, some of whom had emigrated to Canada.
2004 NASA’s MER-A (the Mars Rover Spirit) ceases communication with mission control. The problem lies with Flash Memory management and is fixed remotely from Earth on February 6.
2007 Awashima Marine Park in Japan catches a video tape of the rare frilled shark
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“Doctor, Doctor! You’ve gotta help me! I think I’m a dog!”
“I’ll be back in five minutes. Sit … stay …”
—–
“Doctor, Doctor! You’ve gotta help me! I keep seeing double.”
“Please get up on the examining table.”
“Which one?”
—–
“Doctor, Doctor! You’ve gotta help me! What’s the best way to stop my nose
running?”
“Stand on your head.”
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A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
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ONE-LINERS: End of the World Headlines
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
~ USA Today: WE’RE DEAD
~ The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
~ National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN
~ Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
~ Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
~ Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
~ Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
~ Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
~ Readers Digest: ‘BYE
~ Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
~ Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!
~ America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
~ Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
~ TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY
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A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
“This temple is 2503 years old”, replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
“Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 2500 years old, and that was three years ago.”
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pic of the day: In honor of Squirrel Appreciation Day. . .
Squirrel eating sunflower seeds.
The squirrel gets a FREE meal!
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A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.
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More of What it REALLY Means
~ “What did I do this time?” REALLY MEANS, “What did you catch me doing?”
~ “She’s one of the rabid feminists,” REALLY MEANS, “She refused to make my coffee.”
~ “You really look terrific in that outfit,” REALLY MEANS, “Please don’t try on another outfit. I’m starving.”
~ “I missed you,” REALLY MEANS, “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”
~ “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are,” REALLY MEANS, “No one will ever see us alive again.”
~ “We share the housework,” REALLY MEANS, “I make the messes. She cleans them up.”
~ “I don’t need to read the instructions,” REALLY MEANS, “I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help.”
~ “I heard you,” REALLY MEANS, “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn’t find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
“A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!
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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 – The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 – I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
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My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, “Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: All About Squirrels!
~ How many kinds of squirrels are there? There are about 300 varieties of squirrels around the world. In North America there are ten. Examples are the red/brown squirrels that live in evergreen trees and eat seeds of pinecones and the gray squirrel which lives in woods of oaks, ashes, and beeches and mainly eats beech nuts and acorns.
~ Where do they live? Squirrels typically live in trees — in holes in the trunk, or in treetop crow’s nests. The homes in the treetops are called dreys and sometimes consist of two rooms and a nursery!
~ What about Baby Squirrels? Squirrels start mating when they are a year old. It takes about six weeks from the time the squirrels mate until the baby squirrels, called kittens, are born. Twice a year, in the spring and at the end of the summer, the female squirrel has two to five kittens.
~ How old do they live? Squirrels can live up to 10 or 12 years. After six years, they are considered old squirrels.
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LIFE LESSON: If you really do put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price. – Anonymous
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It’s very hard to take yourself too seriously when you look at the world from outer space. – Thomas K. Mattingly II
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: We are all born with wonderful gifts. We use these gifts to express ourselves, to amuse, to strengthen, and to communicate. We begin as children to explore and develop our talents, often unaware that we are unique, that not everyone can do what we’re doing! – Lynn Johnston, Lynn on Ideas
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