Even on the most exalted throne in the world we are only sitting on our own bottom. – Michel de Montaigne
FOR TODAY – MARCH 1st – MONDAY
60th day of 2010 with 305 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
* National Fruit Compote Day
* National Pig Day
* Matronalia (Old Roman celebration of motherhood)*
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
1810 Frédéric Chopin, Poland, composer/pianist (Concerto in F Minor)
1904 Glenn Miller, Clarinda IA, bandleader (jazz, Swing)
1910 David Niven, Scotland, actor (Casino Royale, Eye of the Devil)
1914 Ralph Waldo Ellison, OK City, writer (Invisible Man, Shadow & Cast)
1914 Harry Caray, St. Louis MO, baseball sportscaster (7th inning singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”)
1924 Donald “Deke” Kent Slayton, Sparta WI, Major USAF/astronaut (Apollo 18)
1927 Harry Belafonte, NYC, musician / activist (King of Calypso / civil rights)
1945 Dirk Benedict, Helena MT, actor (The A-Team, Starbuck/original Battlestar Galactica)
1946 Lana Wood, Santa Monica CA, actress (Diamonds are Forever, Captain America)
1953 Ron Howard,Duncan OK, actor/director (Andy Griffith Show, Happy Days/ Willow, Apollo 13, Backdraft)
1954 Catherine Bach,Warren OH, actress (Daisy Duke-Dukes of Hazzard)
1956 Timothy Daly, NY, actor (Joe-Wings, Private Practice, Sopranos, voice Superman animated)
1967 George Eads, Fort Worth TX, actor (Nick Stokes/ CSI)
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It is better to wear out than to rust out. – Bishop Richard Cumberland
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
1803 Ohio becomes 17th state.
1845 President Tyler signs a resolution annexing the Republic of Texas.
1867 Most of Nebraska becomes 37th US state (expanded later).
1872 Yellowstone becomes world’s 1st national park.
1873E. Remington and Sons in Ilion, New York begins production of the first practical typewriter.
1936 The Hoover Dam is completed.
1941 “Captain America” appears in a comic book.
1961 President John F. Kennedy establishes the Peace Corps.
1962 K-Mart opens first store in Garden City, MI.
1968 NBC’s unprecedented on-air announcement, Star Trek will return.
1973 Robyn Smith becomes 1st female jockey to win a major race.
1974 Watergate scandal: Seven are indicted for their role in the Watergate break-in and charged with conspiracy to obstruct justice.
2002 Envisat environmental satellite successfully reaches an orbit 800 kilometers (500 miles) above the Earth on its 11th launch, carrying the heaviest payload to date at 8500 kilograms (9.5 tons).
2003 Management of US Customs Service and the US Secret Service move to the US Department of Homeland Security.
2006English-language Wikipedia reaches its one millionth article, Jordanhill railway station.
2007 Tornadoes swarm across the southern US, killing at least 20; eight of the deaths are at a high school in Enterprise, Alabama.
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A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”
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A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?”
The little girl stayed silent.
Next the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?”
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”
“Oh, no!” the little girl replied. “Jesus is in my heart. Barney’s on my underpants.”
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ONE-LINERS :
~ I bought one of those treadmills that stores under my bed. Now I have to figure out a way to lose enough weight so I can crawl under there and use it.
~ Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I’ve never been able to see the numbers.
~ Sign in appliance store: 6-month supply of socks with each washer-drier.
~ I’m getting a baby brother, but he had to be back-ordered. Mom can’t get him for nine months.
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There was a phone call to the church office. The secretary answered the phone. The caller on the other end of the line said, “I want to speak to the chief hog of the trough.”
The secretary said, “But sir, we don’t refer to the preacher that way.”
The voice on the other end of the line said, “Sorry lady, but I just wanted to donate $100,000 to the church.”
Quickly she said “Oh, the big fat pig is coming down the hall right now.”
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pic of the day: Daffodils
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The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.
“Add baking-powder to the chickens’ food,” said the consultant, “it will calm them down.”
After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: “My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?”
“Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure”.
A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: “My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?”
“I can give you more and more advice,” answered the consultant. “The real question is whether you have more chickens.”
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A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.
“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.
The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
~ A chicken farmer put in a playground for his chickens to see if happier chickens made more eggs. Sure enough, his egg production increased. So, his neighbor across the road put in a playground for his chickens. In fact, he put one in with a 15 ft. slide. So, one by one, the first farmer’s chickens began crossing the road to get to the other slide.
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There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
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A minister was called to a small town in northern Minnesota. It was notoriously known among the clergy that no one ever lasted more than one year there. Our minister was in need of a respite, and accepted the call, taking with him all the books he’d been too busy to read in previous ministries. He did his stint for a year, enjoyed a leisurely ministry, but at the end of that year, he packed up his belongings, ready to move on. In the midst of his packing, the pulpit committee came to see him.
“Preacher,” they said, “we want you to stay.” He was struck dumb, just started unpacking his stuff, nodding.
The next day on his way to the post office he ran into one of the committee members and said, “I couldn’t even speak yesterday when you boys came to see me. I was stunned! This town never keeps a minister longer than one year. Why now?”
The committeeman smiled and shook his hand. “Well, what this town really wants is no minister at all – and you’ve come closest!”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Daffodils (Narcissus)
Daffodils are grown from bulbs. They bloom in the spring with flowers that all all yellow or white, or with trumpets one color and the petals another.
They look good planted in groups in shrub or perennial borders, or around the base of trees.
They also make an excellent cut flower, and are a cheery reminder that spring is coming!
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LIFE LESSON: Courage is being scared to death – but saddling up anyway. – John Wayne
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The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: Don’t let us make imaginary evils, when you know we have so many real ones to encounter. – Oliver Goldsmith
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