No humor next week, as I’ll be on vacation.
FOR TODAY – APRIL 16th – FRIDAY
106th day of 2010 with 259 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
* National Stress Awareness Day
* National Eggs Benedict Day
* Day of the Mushroom
* National Librarian Day
* National Baked Ham with Pineapple Day
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
1682 John Hadley, mathematician/inventor (1st reflecting telescope)
1867 Wilbur Wright, of aeronautical fame (Wright Brothers)
1889 Charlie Chaplin [The Little Tramp], England, comedian/actor/director (City Lights)
1904 Lily Pons, Draguignan France, soprano/diva (Hitting a New High)
1921 Peter Ustinov, London England, actor (Death on Nile, Logan’s Run, Billy Budd)
1922 Christopher Samuel Youd, UK, sci-fi author (Tripods Trilogy)
1924 Henry Mancini, Cleveland OH, composer/conductor (Pink Panther)
1935 Bobby Vinton, Pittsburgh PA, singer (Roses are Red, Blue on Blue)
1955 Ellen Barkin, Bronx NY, actress (Big Easy, Sea of Love, Switch)
1963 Jimmy Osmond, Ogden UT, singer (Donnie & Marie)
1965 Jon Cryer, actor (Pretty in Pink, Superman IV)
1976 Lukas Haas, West Hollywood CA, actor (Mars Attacks, Lady in White, Witness, Music Box, Testament, Leap of Faith)
1984 Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, Silver Spring MD, author (1st book, In The Forests of the Night, published when she was 14)
1994 Liliana Mumy, Los Angeles CA, actress (Cheaper by the Dozen, The Santa Clause, Chowder, Snow Buddies)
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I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. – Louisa May Alcott
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
1881 In Dodge City, Kansas, Bat Masterson fights his last gun battle.
1912 Harriet Quimby becomes first woman pilot to cross the English Channel
1922 Annie Oakley sets record by breaking 100 clay targets in a row
1941 Bob Feller of the Cleveland Indians throws only Opening Day no-hitter in the history of Major League Baseball, beating Chicago White Sox 1-0.
1943 Dr. Albert Hofmann discovers the psychedelic effects of LSD.
1946 Syria gains independence.
1947 An explosion on board a freighter in port causes the city of Texas City, Texas, to catch fire, killing almost 600.
1956 1st solar powered radios go on sale
1962 Walter Cronkite begins anchoring CBS Evening News
1972 2 giants pandas (Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing) arrive in the US, from China
1972 Apollo 16 launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida.
1998 Tornado in Nashville, TN, one of the most serious urban tornadoes causes one death and significantly damages downtown.
2004 Queen Mary 2 embarks on her first trans-Atlantic crossing, linking the golden age of ocean travel to the modern age of ocean travel.
2007 Seung-Hui Cho, kills 32 and injures 23 at Virginia Tech before committing suicide.
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Christian author and speaker Tony Campolo tells a story from the days when his wife, Peggy, was at home full-time with their children.
When someone would ask, “And what is it that you do, dear?” Peggy would reply, “I am socializing two homo sapiens into the dominant values of the Judeo-Christian tradition in order that they might be instruments for the transformation of the social order into the kind of eschatological utopia that God willed from the beginning of creation.”
Then Peggy would ask the other person, “And what do you do?”
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A rural salesman was trying desperately to talk a local farmer into purchasing a fancy, expensive bicycle.
“Shucks,” says the farmer, “if I’m going to spend that much, I’d rather get me a cow.”
“Oh, but think about how funny you’d look riding into town on a cow!” exclaims the salesman.
“Humph!” replies the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
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ONE-LINERS : Still More Actual Answers Given on Family Feud
~ Name something that floats in the bath – Water
~ Name something you wear on the beach – A deckchair
~ Name something Red – My cardigan
~ Name a famous cowboy – Buck Rogers
~ Name a famous royal – Mail
~ A number you have to memorize – 7
~ Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
~ Something you put on walls – Roofs
~ Something in the garden that’s green – Shed
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Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert’s picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was meant to represent. “The flight to Egypt,” said Bert. “I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus,” Elizabeth said, “But who’s the fourth person?” “Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot.”
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pic of the day: Ajuga in bloom
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Letter sent with Tax Payment
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return.
Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a “1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and “screwdrivers.”
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** Newspaper headlines **
1) Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
2) British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
3) Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time
4) Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
5) Farmer Bill Dies in House
6) Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
7) Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash
Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death
9) Drunken Drivers Paid £1000
10) War Dims Hope for Peace
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Donations to our local convent were down and the nuns did not have enough funds in their coffers to continue in their usual manner. But rather than shut down and close their doors, Mother Superior ordered a strict austerity program be implemented. This included the recycling of old clothing. As the sisters’ gowns had faded over the years, they were all gathered up and sent to the original manufacturer for restoration rather than purchase new ones.
Unfortunately, when they came back from the company – though improved somewhat – they were still a faded black, nearly a gray … which just goes to prove that old habits dye hard.
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** Resumes – Unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms
1. “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”
2. “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
3. “As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”
4. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.”
5. “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
6. “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
7. “Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.”
8. “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
9. “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
10. “References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
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George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: “Euro.”
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.
Says George: “What? There weren’t any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank.”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Where did the 501 come from in Levi’s 501 Jeans?
The “inventor” of these jeans, Levi Strauss (yes, he was a real person!) was a dry goods merchant in California. He sold a wide range of prodcuts in his store. The original Levi jean was the 501, and it just happend this was the stock number he gave it.
Ironically, Strauss didn’t like the term “jeans” for the pants, and promoted the 501 as “waist-high overalls.” But the company later put the two terms together, and the pants are now Levi’s 501 jeans.
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LIFE LESSON: “All I want to do is just go out there and play hard. If I do that, good things will happen. It’s as simple as that.” -Carlos Pena
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Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: “If there is one thing upon this earth that mankind love and admire better than another, it is a brave man, it is the man who dares to look the devil in the face and tell him he is a devil.” James A. Garfield
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