Jokes and Trivia for May 11, 2010

May 11, 2010

To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent – that is to triumph over old age. – Thomas Bailey Aldrich

FOR TODAY – MAY 11th – TUESDAY

131st day of 2010 with 234 to follow.

Holidays for Today:
* Twilight Zone Day
* Eat What You Want Day
* National Mocha Torte Day
* Minnesota Statehood Day*
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
1811 Chang & Eng Bunker, Chinese Siamese twins
1852 Charles Warren Fairbanks, Unionville Center OH, (R) 26th US Vice President (1905-09)
1861 Frederick Russell Burnham, Tivoli MN, scout/adventurer (taught woodcrafr to Rober Baden-Powell, inspiration of international scouting).
1875 Harriet Quimby, Coldwater MI, aviator (first woman to get a pilot’s license)
1888 Irving Berlin, RussiaAmerican, composer (White Christmas, God Bless America)
1904 Salvador Dali, Spain, surrealist artist (Crucifixion)
1918 Richard Feynman, Queens NY, physicist/ author (Nobel, quantum mechanics, Feynman Lectures on Physics)
1920 Denver Pyle, Bethune CO, actor (Dukes of Hazzard, Grizzly Adams, Code 3, Doris Day Show)
1935 Doug McClure, Glendale CA, actor (Checkmate, Virginian, Roots)
1946 Robert Jarvik, Midland MI, physicist and inventor (artificial heart, married to Marilyn vos Savant)
1959 Martha Quinn, Albany NY, MTV VJ/actress (Tracey-Bradys)
1968 Jeffrey Donovan, Amesbury Mass., actor (Burn Notice, Toching Evil)
1975 Coby Bell, Orange Co. CA, actor (Third Watch, The Game)
1981 Austin O’Brien, actor (The Last Action Hero, Apollo 13, My Girl 2, Lawnmower Man)
1985 Matt Giraud, Dearborn MI, singer/ dueling piano player (5th place, 8th American Idol)
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Generosity with strings is not generosity; It is a deal. – Marya Mannes
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
1751 1st US hospital founded (Pennsylvania Hospital).
1816 American Bible Society forms (New York).
1858 Minnesota admitted as 32nd US state.
1916 Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity presented.
1929 1st regularly scheduled TV broadcasts (3 nights per week).
1947 BF Goodrich manufactures 1st tubeless tire, Akron OH.
1949 Siam renames itself Thailand.
1987 1st heart-lung transplant take place (Baltimore).
1989 217th & final episode of “Dynasty” is aired.
1989 Kenya announces worldwide ban on ivory to preserve its elephant herds.
1997 IBM’s Deep Blue chess-playing supercomputer defeats Garry Kasparov in the last game of the rematch, becoming the first computer to beat a world-champion chess player.
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I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”
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I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the Internet.”
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ONE-LINERS :
~ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
~ If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
~ The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~ Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
~ Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from “Mas-a-what?” to “You’ve got to be kidding.” One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor’s Garage. “Vic,” I said, “you’re my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?”
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. “Yes,” he replied. “Oil.”
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pic of the day:

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WHEN I JOINED the Army at age 23, I didn’t realize I was that much older than most recruits until we had our first physical-training test. The maximum score for the five events was 500 points, and I was the only trainee in our platoon to get 400. The drill sergeant called me to stand alone in front of the assembled platoon, and I thought I was about to be praised. But, turning to the other trainees, he barked, “If that old man can get 400 points, just think what the rest of you should have scored!” – Col. Jester W. Rawls
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Couples who have lived together for a long time have developed their own method of communication.
One day I heard my mother yell upstairs to my father, “What are you looking for in that closet?”
My father yelled down, “Nothing!”
My mother thought a moment, then replied, “Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
* A well known dealer in stolen goods was killed today. A police spokesman said he fell off the back of a lorry.
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
* Why did the cowboy die with his boots on? Because he didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket.
* What’s blonde with big eyes and intelligent? A golden retriever.
* A man said to his mate, “My wife is so ugly I have to take her with me every time I go out so that I don’t have to kiss her goodbye.”
* A man said to his friend, ” My wife is so large, she was sitting on the beach when the coastguard asked her to move because the tide was waiting to come in.
* A man said to his friend, ” My wife is so large, she was sitting on the beach the other day when Greenpeace tried to refloat her.
* What is the Matterhorn? It’s a horn you blow when something’s the matter.
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The husband had just finished reading the book “Man of the House.”
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,
“From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replies, “The funeral director would be my guess.”
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My pastor-husband Scott has a sweet tooth, so I knew the chocolate chip cookies I’d just baked might disappear before I returned from running errands.
To discourage him, I taped a verse on the wrapped goodies: “Everything is permissible for me — but not everything is beneficial.” – 1 Cor. 6:12.
When I returned I found half the cookies gone and another verse attached: “The righteous eat to their heart’s content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry” – Prov. 13:25.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: The 3 Chilly Saints – Spring may be in full swing, but May 11, 12, and 13 often revert to the colder days of winter, according to weather lore. The Three Chilly Saints­Mamertus, Pancras, and Gervais (also called Mammertius, Pancratius, and Gervatius or Servatius)­often celebrated their feast days during a cold snap. Some called them the Ice Saints or Frost Saints, and many farmers held off planting until after the Three Chilly Saints’ days had passed. Germans knew these days as the Icemen Days, and both the English and French watched for a late frost at around this time. St. Boniface (May 14) and the chilly “blackthorn winds” were sometimes associated with them, too. (Farmer’s Almanac)

~ How many books did Isaac write? Isaac Asimov wrote more than 500 books during his lifetime (1920-1992). He has the honor of being the only person who has authored a book in each of the Dewey Decimal System classifications.
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LIFE LESSON: To see the earth as it truly is, small and blue and beautiful in that eternal silence where it floats, is to see ourselves as riders on the earth together, brothers on that bright loveliness in the eternal cold. – Archibald MacLeish
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I fired my masseuse. She rubbed me the wrong way.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” ­Joe Girard

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