Jokes and Trivia for May 27, 2010

May 27, 2010

After all it is those who have a deep and real inner life who are best able to deal with the irritating details of outer life. – Evelyn Underhill

FOR TODAY – MAY 27th – THURSDAY

147th day of 2010 with 218 to follow.

Holidays for Today:
* National Grape Popsicle Day
* Sunscreen Day*
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
1794 Cornelius Vanderbilt, Staten Island NY, millionaire (B&O railroad)
1819 Julia Ward Howe, NYC, author/lecturer (Battle Hymn of the Republic)
1837 “Wild Bill” Hickok, [James Butler], Troy Grove IL, cowboy/scout
1894 Dashiell Hammett, St. Marys Co. Maryland, author (Maltese Falcon)
1907 Rachel Louise Carson, Springsdale PA, biologist/ecologist/writer (Silent Spring)
1911 Vincent Price, St Louis MO, actor (horror films – House on Haunted Hill, Fly, Laura)
1912 Sam Snead, Ashwood VA, golfer (top player for most of 4 decades)
1915 Herman Wouk, NYC, author (The Caine Mutiny, Winds of War, War & Remembrance)
1923 Henry Kissinger, German immigrant to US, Secretary of State (1973-77)/Nobel Peace Prize (1973)
1925 Tony Hillerman, Sacred Heart OK, writer (Leaphorn & Chee Navajo tribal police novels/ Dancehall of the Dead, Coyote Waits)
1934 Harlan [Jay] Ellison, Cleveland OH, sci-fi author (7 Hugos, Doomsman, Babylon 5)
1935 Lee Meriwether, Los Angeles, Miss America (1955) and actress (Barnaby Jones/ Catwoman)
1936 Louis Gossett Jr., Brooklyn NY, actor (Roots, Officer & a Gentleman, Enemy Mine, Iron Eagle)
1965 Todd Bridges, San Francisco CA, actor (Different Strokes, Everybody Hates Chris, The Smoking Gun)
1969 Jeremy Mayfield, Owensboro KY, NASCAR driver
1975 Jamie Oliver, English chef and television personality (The Naked Chef, Jamie’s School Kitchen)
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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – Plato
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
1703 St Petersburg (Leningrad) founded by Peter the Great.
1930 The 1,046 feet (319 meters) tall Chrysler Building in New York (the tallest man-made structure at the time) opened to the public.
1933 Walt Disney Company releases the cartoon The Three Little Pigs, with its hit song “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?”
1937 Golden Gate Bridge opened to pedestrian traffic, creating a vital link between San Francisco and Marin County.
1939 DC Comics publishes its second superhero in Detective Comics #27; he is Batman, one of the most topical comic book superheroes of all time.
1964 “From Russia With Love” (James Bond) premieres in US.
1995 Christopher Reeve is paralyzed from the neck down after falling from his horse in a riding competition. ~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down together. Barbara understood and was ready.
Just before it was time for Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that he would be right behind her. She jumped, and, after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her out of the plane.
He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn’t open. As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward and darted past Barbara. Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, “So you wanna race, huh?!”
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ONE-LINERS : NEW DAFFYNITIONS
~ Excommunicated: Received a phone call from a former spouse
~ Protestants: Worker ants out to overthrow the Queen
~ Fanatic: To cool off the extreme upper portion of the house
~ Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
~ Donkey: Object that unlocks door to Godfather’s home
~ Icing: What I do when I shower
~ Understudy: Prepare inadequately for the exam
~ Current: The fee charged by Rent-A-Mutt
~ Paradise: What you shoot craps with
~ Store Detective: Counter spy
~ Cannibal: A guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter
~ Infantry: A newly planted sapling
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.”
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?”
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pic of the day: Heartbeat Hibiscus

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A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, “Jump! Jump! It’s your only chance to survive!”
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away… the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
“C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!’ say the firemen to the Redhead.
“Oh…..no! You’re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the Redhead.
“No! It’s Brunettes we can’t stand! We’re OK with Redheads!”
“OK” says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH!
The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, “Jump! You have to jump!”
“Oh no! You’re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the Blonde.
“No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull the blanket away!”
“Not until you put the blanket down and back away!” yelled the Blonde.
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In the doctors office two patients are talking.
“You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake.”
“A sponge!” exclaims the other. “Does it hurt much?”
“No…no pain at all,” says the first, “but…boy, do I get thirsty!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
On the Tin Man, I’m really not keen.
If you axe me, he’s too squeaky-clean.
He’s been oily to bed
And to rise, so it’s said,
Ever since he was just a can-teen
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It was Valentine’s Day and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my shopping early”, replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense!”, said the judge. “How early were you shopping?”
“Before the store opened”, countered the prisoner.
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In a physics course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, the students were required to read the week’s experiment before coming to class…
At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see how many of his pupils had actually done so.
“What are the two types of light?” he asked.
The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, “Uhhh, Actually there are three: Bud, Coors and Miller!”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: In what country was the Rosetta stone found?

In 1799 the famous Rosetta Stone was found near the town of Rosetta in north Egypt, on the Nile.
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LIFE LESSON: “Failure is not about insecurity. It’s about lack of execution.” ­Jeffrey Gitomer
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Today’s Put Down – Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. – Eckhart Tolle

Also of interest. . .

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