Jokes and Trivia for June 9, 2010

“Just as the body cannot exist without blood, so the soul needs the matchless and pure strength of faith.” — Mahatma Gandhi

FOR TODAY – JUNE 9th – WEDNESDAY

160th day of 2010 with 205 to follow.

Holidays for Today:
* St. Columba’s Day (patron of poets, Ireland)
* National Strawberry Rhubarb Pie Day
* Donald Duck Day*
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
1781 George Stephenson, English inventor (principal RR locomotive)
1893 Cole Porter, Indiana, composer/lyricist (Anything Goes, Kiss Me Kate)
1900 Fred Waring, Tyrone PA, musician/conductor, financially backed inventor of Waring Blender
1915 Les Paul ,Waukesha WI, guitarist/inventor (Les Paul guitar)
1916 Robert S McNamara, Oakland CA, Sec of Defense (1961-68)/head of World Bank (1968-81)
1931 Joe Santos, Brooklyn NY, actor (Rockford Files, AKA Pablo, Shamus)
1939 Charles Webb, San Francisco, author (The Graduate)
1943 Joe Haldeman, Oklahoma City OK, science fiction writer (The Forever War, Forever Peace, The Accidental Time Machine)
1954 George Pérez, NYC, comic book artist (Teen Titans, Wonder Woman, Crisis on Infinite Earths)
1961 Michael J Fox, Canadian-born actor (Family Ties, Back to the Future, Teen Wolf)
1963 Johnny Depp, Owensboro KY, actor (Pirates of the Caribbean, 21 Jump Street, Charlie & the Chocolate Factory)
1981 Natalie Portman, Israeli-born actress (Mars Attacks, Star Wars (Amidala), Cold Mountain, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium)
1993 Danielle Ryan Chuchran, Upland CA, actress (Little House on the Prairie, The Wild Stallion)
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Order is the shape upon which beauty depends. – Pearl Buck
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
1732 Royal charter for Georgia granted to James Oglethorpe.
1790 Philadelphia Spelling Book by John Barry becomes the first book to be copyrighted in the US.
1822 Charles Graham receives first patent for false teeth.
1909 Alice Huyler Ramsey, a 22-year-old housewife and mother from Hackensack, NJ, became first woman to drive across US. With three female companions, none of whom could drive a car, for fifty-nine days she drove a Maxwell automobile the 3,800 miles from Manhattan, New York, to San Francisco, California.
1934 Donald Duck debuts in The Wise Little Hen.
1953 John H. Kraft granted patent for “manufacture of soft surface cured cheese”.
1973 Secretariat wins Belmont Stakes and thus the Triple Crown.
1986 Rogers Commission releases its report on the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster.
1989 “Star Trek V” premiers.
2008 In the town of Lake Delton, Wisconsin, Lake Delton drains as a result of heavy flooding breaking the dam holding the lake back.
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The old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.”
“Try these glasses and come back in two weeks.”
Two weeks later the snake returns. The doctor asks, “How are you doing with those glasses?”
“I’m very depressed, Doc.”
“What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine. But I just discovered that for the last two years I’ve been living with a water hose.”
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It was early Saturday afternoon and my friend Ray had rushed down to our local supermarket to snap up some hamburger rolls, chips, and a few condiments before another big afternoon of college football games. He was having a few friends over and he’d gotten a late start on his preparations, so he was in a big hurry.
Of course, the market was loaded with shoppers but as he approached the checkout area, he saw that one express lane was open. He made a quick count and realized he was under the limit posted and dashed toward the open lane, but just before he reached it an older woman with a cart piled high with groceries slipped in ahead of him.
Frustrated and chafing at not only the delay, but this infraction of the market’s rules, Ray couldn’t believe that the cashier smiled at the woman and waved her to push the overloaded cart forward.
He couldn’t hold back a chuckle, however, when the cashier carefully looked over the items in the cart and kindly said, “So, ma’am, which ten items here would you like to buy?”
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ONE-LINERS :
– When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
– A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
– My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
– I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
– The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
– How can there be self-help “groups”?
– Is there another word for synonym?
– Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
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Mrs. Frobisher made a visit to Dr. Wilson’s office.
“You see, Doctor Wilson, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Mrs. Frobisher
Dr. Wilson thought deeply for a few moments.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.
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pic of the day: Chick & Violets

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Young Jonathan was visiting a church for the first time. He checked all the announcements, posters and pictures along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby verger, “Who are all those men in the pictures?”
The verger replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service”.
Dumbfounded, the Jonathan asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”
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MY SON-IN-LAW John, a Marine lieutenant, found himself alone in an elevator at the Marine headquarters building in Okinawa, Japan, with a colonel. John, on an errand to the medical-records office, nervously clutched a plain, brown paper envelope under his arm. The colonel pushed the button for the top floor and said, “Penthouse, lieutenant?”
“Oh, no, sir,” John stammered. “Nothing like that — just my dental records.” – Dorcas Ann Lounsbery
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
The blonde robbed a bank. She immediately went home with her loot and proceeded to saw off the legs of her bed.
Her rommate came in and asked, “What are you doing?”
“I want to lie low for a while.”
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There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:

1) Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Son of God.

2) Protestants don’t recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ.

3) Baptists don’t recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
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My friend Dan bought his wife one those mood rings.
When she’s happy, the ring turns green. When she’s relaxed, the ring is blue.
And when she’s angry, the ring leaves a bright red mark on Dan’s forehead.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: At any particular time, there are approximately 1,800 thunderstorms occurring in the Earth’s atmosphere.

~ Mango peel contains urushiol, the same chemical found in poison ivy / sumac / oak. Since the skin reaction is an allergic one, people may develop progressively stronger reactions after repeated exposures.

~ Ketchup was once used as a medicine in the United States. In the 1830′s it was sold as Dr. Miles Compound Extract of Tomato.
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LIFE LESSON: There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. – Edith Wharton, Vesalius in Zante

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Growing old can be soooo hard at times. Yesterday I got my Preparation H mixed up with Poli-Grip. Now I walk funny … but my gums don’t itch.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: If any one faculty of our nature may be called more wonderful than the rest, I do think it is memory. There seems something more speakingly incomprehensible in the powers, the failures, the inequalities of memory, than in any other of our intelligences. The memory is sometimes so retentive, so serviceable, so obedient; at others, so bewildered and so weak; and at others again, so tyrannic, so beyond control! We are, to be sure, a miracle every way; but our powers of recollecting and of forgetting do seem peculiarly past finding out. – Jane Austen