Jokes and Trivia for June 24, 2010

June 24, 2010

Nobody can tell you if what you’re doing is good, meaningful or worthwhile. The more compelling the path, the more lonely it is. – Hugh Macleod

FOR TODAY – JUNE 24th – THURSDAY

175th day of 2010 with 190 to follow.

Holidays for Today:
* Celebration of the Senses
* Midsummer Day
* National Pralines Day
* Swim A Lap Day*
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
1803 George J. Webb, English church organist. Compiled collections of sacred music; composed melody to hymn, ‘Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus.’
1813 Henry Ward Beecher, Litchfield CT, clergyman/orator (Independent)
1842 Ambrose Bierce, Meigs Co. OH, satirist (Devil’s Dictionary)
1895 Jack Dempsey, Manassa CO, heavyweight boxer (held title 1919-1926)
1915 Norman Cousins, Union City NJ, editor (Saturday Review)
1919 Al Molinaro, Kenosha WI, actor (Murray-Odd Couple, Al-Happy Days)
1938 Lawrence Block, Buffalo NY, crime writer (2 series: P.I. Matthew Scudder; gentleman burglar Bernie Rhodenbarr)
1947 Peter Weller, WI, actor (Robocop, Of Unknown Origin, Prey, Top of the World)
1950 Mercedes R Lackey, NYC, sci-fi author (Arrow’s Fall, Magic’s Pawn/Valdemar series)
1950 Nancy Allen, NYC, actress (Carrie, 1941, Robocop, Dress to Kill)
1963 Mike Wieringo, Italian-born American comic book artist (The Flash, Fantastic Four)
1967 Scott Oden, Columbus IN, historical novelist (Men of Bronze, Memnon, Lion of Cairo)
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Getting there isn’t half the fun – it’s all the fun. – Robert Townsend
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
1901 Pablo Picasso’s artwork was given its first exhibition, in Paris.
1947 Flying saucers sighted over Mount Rainier by pilot Ken Arnold.
1948 Start of the Berlin Blockade. The Soviet Union makes overland travel between the West with West Berlin impossible.
1949 “Hopalong Cassidy” becomes first network western (NBC), starring William Boyd.
1983 Space Shuttle program: STS-7 Mission Sally Ride, first female American astronaut, returns to earth.
1992 Supreme Court ruled health warnings on cigarette packs don’t necessarily exempt tobacco companies from false advertising lawsuits if they continue to tell consumers that smoking is safe.
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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
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A woman invited some people from church to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you’ve heard Mommy say before,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
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ONE-LINERS : SELECTIONS FROM “GOD NEVER BLINKS”
~ Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
~ It’s okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
~ Don’t compare your life to others’ lives. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
~ Burn the candles. Use the nice sheets. Wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
~ What other people think of you is none of your business.
~ Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
~ No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
~ If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
[ Regina Brett via Molly Rhea's Quotes of the Day]
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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny. But she couldn’t have been right – everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken – pork and beef and fish too.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now…
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pic of the day:


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HALFWAY through a party we were giving, I remembered that my husband, Brad, had Marine Reserve duty the next morning. I decided to quickly starch his cap. Stretching the cap on a metal form, I painted it with starch and put it in a preheated oven to dry. However, I forgot to turn off the oven, so the cap became scorched on top.
The next morning, the cap went unnoticed as the officer in charge of inspection was much shorter than my husband. Later in the day, when Brad walked indoors, he automatically removed his cap. An officer stopped him, looked at the cap, shook his head and asked, “Hot outside, Marine?” – Sharon Maerz
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A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”

A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” came the reply, “How could he, with just two worms?”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
The gallant knight was travelling through the mountains on his quest for the Holy Grail when his steed caught some horsey sickness. He hied to a monastery and asked the abbot for a replacement.
It was winter and nightfall was approaching as they looked through the stables. All of the available horses were either sick or lame.
“How about that one?” asked the knight, pointing to a large St. Bernard. It’s a bit unusual but I’m sure he would stand me in good stead.”
“I’m sorry,” replied the abbot, “But I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.”
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My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, “Praise the Lord!”
Her next door neighbor would shout back, “There ain’t no Lord!”
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, “Praise the Lord!”
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I brought those groceries, and there ain’t no Lord.”
Grandmother replied, “Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it.”
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Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
“I just had a baby,” I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.
“Congratulations! I’ll get all of your information and activate your policy,” she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, “Was this a work-related incident?”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Midsummer Day – Although Midsummer Day occurs near the summer solstice, or what we think of as the beginning of summer, to the farmer it is the midpoint of the growing season, halfway between planting and harvesting, and an occasion for celebration. Although it’s also the feast day of St. John the Baptist, it features pagan traditions such as bonfires, fire walking, and a carnival atmosphere, all of which took place on Midsummer Eve. Certainly, it’s a night of magic and soothsaying as well, for as Washington Irving said, this is a time “when it is well known all kinds of ghosts, goblins, and fairies become visible and walk abroad.” After Midsummer Day, the days shorten. In Lithuanian tradition, the dew on Midsummer Day was said to make young girls beautiful and old people look younger. It was also thought that walking barefoot in the dew would keep one’s skin from getting chapped. It was customary to honor all men named John on this day by fixing wreaths of oak leaves around their doors. This is usually done in secret, and John must guess who did it or catch the person in the act, in which case he must give the person a treat. (Farmer’s Almanac)
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LIFE LESSON: “When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard,” I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?” — Sydney J. Harris

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A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself – Josh Billings

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

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