Jokes and Trivia for July 15, 2010

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” – Will Rogers

FOR TODAY – JULY 15th – THURSDAY

HOLIDAYS:
* National Tapioca Pudding Day
* Cow Appreciation Day
* Respect Canada Day
* I Love Horses Day*

196th day of 2009 with 169 to follow.
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BIRTHDAYS:
1606 – Rembrandt van Rijn, Netherlands, painter (Night Watch)
1779 – Clement Clarke Moore, US, author (‘Twas the Night Before Xmas)
1796 – Thomas Bulfinch, mythologist (Bulfinch’s Mythology)
1934 – Louise Fletcher, actress, Birmingham, AL (Kai Winn Adami, ST: DS9)
1939 – Patrick Wayne, CA, actor (Rounder, Shirley, Beyond Atlantis)
1944 – Jan-Michael Vincent, Denver, actor (Hooper, Airwolf – Stringfellow Hawke)
1946 – Linda Ronstadt, AZ, singer (Different Drum)/actress (Pirates of Penzance)
1951 – Jesse “The Body” Ventura, wrestler/actor (Predator, Running Man, 38th governor of Minnesota)
1960 – Kim Alexis, Lockport NY, model (Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover)
1961 – Forest Whitaker, TX, actor (Bloodsport, Platoon, Stakeout)
1962 – Brigitte Nielsen, Denmark, actress (Red Sonja, Rocky IV)
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Think you’ve got influence? Try commanding someone else’s dog.
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TODAY IN HISTORY:
1869 Margarine is patented in Paris, for use by French Navy.
1870 Hudson’s Bay & Northwest Territories transferred to Canada.
1870 Manitoba becomes 5th Canadian province & NW Territories created.
1888 Bandai volcano (Japan) erupts for 1st time in 1,000 years.
1893 Commodore Perry arrives in Japan.
1916 The Boeing Co., originally known as Pacific Aero Products, was founded in Seattle by William Boeing.
1922 1st duck-billed platypus publicly exhibited in US, at NY zoo.
1941 Florey & Heatley present freeze dried mold cultures (Pencillin).
1948 Pres Truman nominated for another term.
1954 1st commercial jet transport plane built in US tested (Boeing 707).
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A woman walks up to a store’s returns counter. “I need to return these glasses that I bought for my husband.”
“What seems to be the problem?”
“They don’t work. He’s still not seeing things my way.”
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My two-year-old son was with me in the grocery store as I was using my few remaining brain cells to try and determine what kind of milk to buy. Suddenly, in the loudest voice I had ever heard him use up to that point, my son announced to all, near and far, “Mommy! Don’t hit me!”
Not finding any handy holes nearby in which to crawl, I responded in an equally loud voice, “Why, son! You know I never hit you!”
And then he responded in a normal voice level, “I know. I just don’t want you to start.”
And that right there is why my husband and I decided to stop with one.
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TOP TEN QUESTIONS MOST OFTEN ASKED AT A 99-CENT STORE
10. “How much is this?”
9. “Is this necklace real gold?”
8. “Do these Tampa Bay Rays sweatshirts come in medium?”
7. “So let me get this straight — everything here is 99 cents?”
6. “How much is this?”
5. “Do you have anything nicer for $1.99?”
4. “How much is this ‘Best of Ray Stevens’ CD?”
3. “Didn’t this used to be a White Castle?”
2. “Do you have change of a dollar bill?”
1. “Can someone go to the bank and get more pennies?”
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My mother was walking through the mall one day when a man with a clipboard approached her.
“Excuse me,” he said, “would you mind answering a question for a quick survey?”
My mother agreed and he said, “Do you think there’s too much sex and violence in the movies these days?”
“I’m not sure,” my mother replied. “I’m usually too wrapped up in what’s happening on the screen to notice what’s going on around me.”
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pic of the day: Elk River in West Virginia

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The mother walks in on her 6 year-old son and finds him sobbing.
“What’s the matter, dear?”
“I’ve just figured out how to tie my shoes.”
“Well, Honey, that’s wonderful. You’re growing up, but why are you crying?”
“Because now I’ll have to do it every day for the rest of my life.”
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Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal-Mart. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again. (I have to mention here that everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to scratch my fleas and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: What should the veterinarian do if a macaw suffers a mynah injury to his wing?
A: Re-Parrot
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Q: When do a dozen birds look like a foot?
A: When they’re twelve finches.
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Q: Why is Alabama the smartest state?
A: It has 4 As and a B.
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A guy and his wife are walking down the street. They stop at a jewelry store window. She says, “I’d love those diamond earrings.”
The guy says, “No problem.” He takes a brick out of his pocket, smashes the window, and grabs the earrings for her. They walk away hastily.
Soon they come upon another jewelry store. “Oh please, please, please, get me that ring!”
The guy looks around, sees there’s nobody around, takes another brick out of his pocket and hurls it at the window. Now she’s got the earrings and this great ring, and they walk away … until they come to yet another jewelry store.
“Just look at that diamond necklace. I need it!”
He looks at her and says, “Whaddaya think, I’m made out of bricks?”
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A couple was going over the expenses for their upcoming wedding. The groom-to-be says, “$6,800 for a dress that’s only going to be worn ONCE?
What’s up with THAT?!”
“Who says it’s only going to be worn once?”
“Oh? You’re planning to get married again? You know you can’t wear white the second time.”
“No, but I do plan to have a daughter and she’ll wear it on her wedding day. And she’ll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom.”
“I’ll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress.”
“Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!”
“Yeah? Then why don’t you wear hers?”
“Who wants to get married in THAT old thing?!”
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TODAY’S TRIVIA: What was Siberia’s currency? Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.

~ Do raisins like champagne? A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

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LIFE LESSON: “The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to your father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity. – Francis Maitland Balfour
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Even if you’ve been fishing for hours and haven’t gotten anything except
poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: When I’m trusting and being myself… everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously. – Shakti Gawain