Jokes and Trivia for August 30, 2010

Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. – Victor Borge

FOR TODAY – AUGUST 30th – MONDAY

242nd day of 2010 with 123 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Toasted Marshmallow Day

*Frankenstein Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1748 Jacques-Louis David, Paris, France, painter, painted the famous Oath of the Horatii
1768 Joseph Dennie, Boston, Massachusetts, writer, one of the foremost men of letters of the Federalist Era
1797 Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, London England, author (Frankenstein)
1852 Jacobus Henricus van ‘t Hoff, Rotterdam, Netherlands, Dutch physical and organic chemist (Chemical kinetics, Stereochemistry)
1856 Carle David Tolmé Runge, Bremen, Germany, physicist (Runge-Kutta method & Runge’s phenomenon)
1860 Isaac Levitan, Russian artist, advanced the genre of the “mood landscape”.
1871 Ernest Lord Rutherford, New Zealand born British chemist & physicist; discovered atomic nucleus (“founded” nuclear physics).
1901 John Gunther, Chicago, Illinois, writer (Death Be Not Proud)
1908 Fred MacMurray, Kankakee Illinois, actor (Caine Mutiny, My 3 Sons)
1912 Edward Mills Purcell, Taylorville, Illinois, physicist (Nuclear magnetic resonance (NMR), Smith-Purcell effect)
1923 Barbara Mary Ansell, Warwick, Warwickshire, England, founder of paediatric rheumatology
1930 Warren Buffett, Omaha Nebraska, entrepreneur (Oracle of Omaha)/ author (The Midas Touch)
1931 Jack L. Swigert, Jr., Denver, Colorado, astronaut, one of only 24 people to have flown to the Moon
1935 John Phillips, Parris Island, South Carolina, singer, songwriter (The Mamas & the Papas)
1939 Elizabeth Ashley, Ocala, Florida, actress (Take Her, She’s Mine)
1948 Lewis Black, Silver Spring, Maryland, comedian (Comedy Central’s The Root of All Evil)
1972 Cameron Diaz, San Diego, California, actress (The Mask, My Best Friend’s Wedding, There’s Something About Mary, Princess Fiona / Shrek movies)
1986 Ryan Ross, Las Vegas, Nevada, musician (Panic! at the Disco)
2001 Emily Bear, Rockford, Illinois, child pianist and composer

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Consistent achievement happens only if you love what you are doing. – Bart Conner

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1835 Melbourne, Australia is founded.
1836 The city of Houston is founded by Augustus Chapman Allen and John Kirby Allen
1862 American Civil War: Battle of Richmond: Confederates under Edmund Kirby Smith rout a Union army under General Horatio Wright.
1862 American Civil War: Union forces are defeated in Second Battle of Bull Run.
1873 Austrian explorers Julius von Payer and Karl Weyprecht discover the archipelago of Franz Joseph Land in the Arctic Sea.
1896 Eight provinces in the Philippines are declared under martial law by the Spanish Governor General Ramon Blanco. These were Manila, Cavite, Bulacan, Pampanga, Nueva Ecija, Bataan, Laguna, and Batangas.
1909 Burgess Shale fossils discovered by Charles Doolittle Walcott.
1945 Hong Kong liberated from Japan by British forces.
1963 Hotline between the leaders of the U.S.A. and the Soviet Union goes into operation.
1984 STS-41-D: The Space Shuttle Discovery takes off on its maiden voyage.
1995 NATO launches Operation Deliberate Force against Bosnian Serb forces.

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A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses… one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

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A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”

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ONE-LINERS : IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD…
..nodding would be considered an acceptable response to “I love you.”
..the funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
..your raise would be tied to the fortunes of your fantasy sports team.
..a “night out with the boys” once a week would be obligatory.
..the workday would start a lot closer to noon.
..every anniversary gift you would ever need could be found at the local hardware store.

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Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, “It’s a good thing she’s not from Idaho.”

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pic of the day: Maremma Sheepdog

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While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, “Great!, I love spaghetti!”

Billy Bob asked Bubba, “How ’bout you, how’s the toilet brush? “Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper.”

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Woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”

“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”

“It’s really, really you, grandmother?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”

The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?”

“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.”

The woman pauses a moment, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.”

“Anything, my child.”

“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Forced by rising costs and lagging demand to make their leading product out of a cheaper metal, Hoosier, Inc. found that a special treatment process was needed to clean and coat their Indy 500 memento, a tiny jewel-studded replica of an Offenhauser engine on a jeweler’s chain.
To protect it from the corrosive effect of chlorine, they employed a process fom the ISO 9000 Manufacturer’s Manual. The process was called, “The Dechloration of Indy Pendants.

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~ Police Chief: “The only thing I can tell you boys in the press is … all the shoes and purses stolen by the shoplifting ring are being held as accessories to the crime.”
~ Leif Erikson returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife went to the Town Clerk, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
~ A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A police spokesperson stated,”We have nothing to go on.”

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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. “How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” she wailed, “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’”

“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, “Get behind me, Satan!”

“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said “It looks great from back here, too!”

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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Oh, oh the Olive Tree!

Olive trees are an evergreen tree or shrub found in Mediterranean, Asia and Africa. It is short and squat, and not often exceeds 8–15 metres (26–49 ft) in height. The silvery green leaves are oblong in shape, measuring 4–10 centimetres (1.6–3.9 in) long and 1–3 centimetres (0.39–1.2 in) wide. The trunk is typically gnarled and twisted. The Olive Tree has been used since ancient times as a source of oil, wood, and food. Every autumn and winter is the best time to harvest olives.

These plants are one of the most often cited in the literature. Odysseus crawls beneath two shoots of olive that grow from a single stock in Homer’s Odyssey. In Iliad, it is a metaphoric description of a lone olive tree in the mountains. Since ancient times known as a good source of oil, wood, and food. Aside from that do you know that one part on this tree symbolizes peace? Its branches have often used as a symbol of peace. Now, do you have enemies? Better have branch of olive tree!