Jokes and Trivia for August 31, 2010

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor. – Jennifer Jones

FOR TODAY – AUGUST 31 – TUESDAY

243rd day of 2010 with 122 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Trail Mix Day

* Eat Outside Day

* Trinidad and Tobago Independence Day

* Kyrgyzstan Independence Day

* Malaysia National Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1663 Guillaume Amontons, Paris, France , physicist and instrument maker.(Known for Tribology)
1821 Hermann von Helmholtz, Kingdom of Prussia, Germany, scientist (Known for Conservation of energy,Helmholtz free energy)
1903 Arthur Godfrey, New York City, New York, television host. (NBC’s Tonight show )
1903 Vladimir Jankélévitch, Paris, French philosopher.
1918 Alan Jay Lerner, New York City, New York, lyricist. (Secret Places, 1984 )
1924 Buddy (Leonard) Hackett, Brooklyn, NY, actor / comedian (God’s Little Acre, Music Man)
1946 Jerome Corsi, Cleveland, Ohio, writer. (Known for author of The Obama Nation)
1945 Itzhak Perlman, Tel Aviv Israel, violinist/polio victim
1947 Mona Marshall, Los Angeles, California, voice actress. (Sakura Wars: The Movie – Leni Milchstrasse)
1949 H. David Politzer, New York City, physicist, Nobel laureate. (Quantum chromodynamics)
1949 Richard Gere, Philadelphia PA, actor (Breathless, Cotton Club, First Knight)
1960 Chris Whitley, Houston, Texas, musician. (War Crime Blues 2004)
1962 Dee Bradley Baker, Indiana, voice actor. (The Last Airbender, Codename: Kids Next Door/Numbuh 4; Halo 2 & 3/Gravemind)
1963 Reb Beach, Pittsburgh, PA, guitarist. (Winger, Whitesnake)
1963 Todd Carty, North London, England, Irish actor.( Blame)
1970 Deborah Gibson, Brooklyn, New York, singer. (Skating with Celebrities 2006)
1972 Chris Tucker, Atlanta, Georgia, actor and comedian. (African American Lives, The 5th Element, Rush Hour)
1975 Sara Ramírez, Mazatlán, Sinaloa, Mexican – American actress.(Lady of the Lake/Spamalot, Greys Anatomy)

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You will face many defeats in your life, but never let yourself be defeated. – Maya Angelou

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1803 Lewis and Clark start their expedition to the west by leaving Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania at 11 o clock in the morning.
1864 During the American Civil War, Union forces led by General William T. Sherman launch an assault on Atlanta, Georgia.
1886 An earthquake kills 100 in Charleston, South Carolina.
1888 Mary Ann Nichols is murdered. She is the first of Jack the Ripper’s known victims.
1897 Thomas Edison patents the Kinetoscope, the first movie projector.
1943 The USS Harmon, the first U.S. Navy ship to be named after a black person, is commissioned.
1945 The Liberal Party of Australia is founded by Robert Menzies.
1957 Malaya (Malaysia) gains independence from Britain.
1962 Trinidad & Tobago gain independence from Britain.
1965 The Aero Spacelines Super Guppy aircraft makes its first flight.
1993 HMS Mercury closes after 52 years in commission.
1994 The Provisional Irish Republican Army declares a ceasefire.
1997 Diana, Princess of Wales, her companion Dodi Al-Fayed and driver Henri Paul die in a car crash in Paris.
1998 North Korea reportedly launches Kwangmyongsong, its first satellite.
1999 The first of a series of bombings in Moscow, killing one person and wounding 40 others.
1999 A LAPA Boeing 737-200 crashes during takeoff from Jorge Newbury Airport in Buenos Aires, killing 65, including 2 on the ground.
2005 A stampede on Al-Aaimmah bridge in Baghdad kills 1,199 people.
2006 Stolen on August 22, 2004, Edvard Munch’s famous painting The Scream is recovered in a raid by Norwegian police.

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A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile…..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. There’s a story about a guy jumping off of a bridge.

The blonde says to the brunette ” hey, I bet ya $10 he doesn’t jump.”

The brunette says okay, “I bet ya $10 he does.”

They watch the rest of the broadcast. The guy jumps and the blonde goes to give the brunette her money.

The brunette says “I can’t take your money, I saw the 10 O’Clock news and they showed the same story.”

The Blonde says “So did I but I didn’t think he would jump again.!!!”

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ONE-LINERS :

~What do you call a woman with one leg?
- Ilene

~What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
- Matt

~What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob

~Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.

~The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.

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A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

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pic of the day: Birds splashing water in birdbath..

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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

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THINGS WE’RE HAPPY NEIL ARMSTRONG *DIDN’T* SAY
When he took that first step on the Moon

~ “That’s one small step for a man, one giant bonus payday for *this* astronaut. Yeahhhh, buddy!”

~ “Hey, Buzz! Tell Russia ‘Neener neener neener!’ ”

~ “The Moon is mine! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

~ “So I’m on the Moon, Dad. The Moon! Is THIS good enough for you???!!!”

~ “Hey, I think I can see my house from here.”

~ (singing) “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie…”

[written by Mark Raymond; inspired by Chris White's Top Five on SciFi]
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

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At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains” I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500,” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn.

She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: HOW NUTRITIOUS IS THE CARROT?

Carrots can be eaten in a variety of ways. It has a bright orange color because of B- carotene. Only 3% of the β-carotene in raw carrots is released during digestion: this can be improved to 39% by pulping, cooking and adding cooking oil. This vegetable may be chopped and boiled, fried or steamed, and cooked in soups and stews, as well as baby and pet foods.

Nowadays, it is common to make carrot as a juice. Many people consider drinking carrot juice one of the healthiest lifestyle choices possible. Carrot juice is known for beta carotene which gives the body Vitamin A, B Vitamins, Vitamin E and many minerals. The health benefits that we could get from drinking carrot juice are thought to be good prenatal health, eyesight, bones and teeth, liver and nails, skin and hair as well as helping in cancer prevention.

Having a sip on this also reduces the risks of many different types of cancer including skin and breast cancer. The cancer-fighting properties of carrot juice are often thought to be excellent due to the high amounts of beta carotene. It is a good diversion to drink this rather than drinking soft drinks.
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LIFE LESSON: Joy can be real only if people look upon their life as a service, and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness. – Leo Tolstoy

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INSULTING LINE: How would you like to feel the way you look?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: If it’s very painful for you to criticize your friends — you’re safe in doing it. But if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that’s the time to hold your tongue. – Alice Duer Miller