Jokes and Trivia for September 1, 2010

Sorrow was like the wind. It came in gusts. – Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 1ST – WEDNESDAY

244th day of 2010 with 121 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Cherry Popover Day

* Emma M. Nutt Day, the first woman telephone operator

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1795 James Gordon Bennett, Sr., Newmill, Scotland, American newspaper publisher. (True Crime)
1848 Auguste-Henri Forel, Morges, Switzerland, entomologist. (Known for Ants )
1854 Engelbert Humperdinck, Siegburg, Germany, composer. (Hänsel und Gretel )
1875 Edgar Rice Burroughs, Chicago, Illinois, author (Tarzan, John Carter of Mars series, Pellucidar)
1889 Richard Arlen, Voronezh, Russia, American actor. (The Foundation Pit )
1906 Eleanor Burford Hibertt (pen names/ Jean Plaidy, Victoria Holt, and Philippa Carr), English writer (historical, romance)
1926 Gene Colan, The Bronx, New York, comic book artist. (Tower of Shadows #3-4, 6)
1931 Boxcar Willie, Ellis County, Texas, country musician. (“Luther” )
1942 C. J. Cherryh, St. Louis, Missouri, author (Down Below Station, Alliance-Union Universe, Gene Wars, Fortress Series)
1946 Barry Gibb, Douglas, Isle of Man, English singer. (Bee Gees)
1950 Dr. Phil McGraw, Vinita, Oklahoma, psychologist / talk show host. (Renovate My Family)
1956 Bernie Wagenblast, Brooklyn, New York, broadcaster and editor. (1979 NBA draft)
1957 Gloria Estefan, Cuba/American, singer (Miami Sound Machine-Conga, 1-2-3)
1979 Andrew Muldoon, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Figure Skating Champion. (Univ of Delaware FSC)
1984 Joseph Trohman, Hollywood, Florida, musician. (Fall Out Boy)
1985 Camile Velasco, Makati City, Philippines, Filipino-American singer.( 2010: “Super Star”)
1994 Bianca Ryan, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, singer. (12 and Holding)

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None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1804 Juno, one of the largest main belt asteroids, is discovered by German astronomer Karl Ludwig Harding.
1836 Narcissa Whitman, one of the first English-speaking white women to settle west of the Rocky Mountains, arrives at Walla Walla, Washington.
1862 American Civil War: Battle of Chantilly – Confederate forces attack retreating Union troops in Chantilly, Virginia.
1878 Emma Nutt becomes the world’s first female telephone operator when she was recruited by Alexander Graham Bell to the Boston Telephone Dispatch Company.
1902 A Trip to the Moon, considered one of the first science fiction films, is released in France.
1905 Alberta & Saskatchewan become 8th & 9th Canadian provinces.
1920 The Fountain of Time opens as a tribute to the 100 years of peace between the United States and Great Britain following the Treaty of Ghent.
1939 George C. Marshall becomes Chief of Staff of the United States Army.
1951 The United States, Australia and New Zealand sign a mutual defense pact, called the ANZUS Treaty.
1972 Bobby Fischer (US) defeats Boris Spassky (USSR) for world chess title.
1979 The American space probe Pioneer 11 becomes the first spacecraft to visit Saturn when it passes the planet at a distance of 21,000 km.
1980 Terry Fox’s Marathon of Hope ends in Thunder Bay, Ontario.
1982 The United States Air Force Space Command is founded.
1985 A joint American–French expedition locates the wreckage of the RMS Titanic.
2004 Beslan school hostage crisis begins when armed terrorists take hundreds of schoolchildren and adults hostage in the Russian town of Beslan in North Ossetia.

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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended a bit more and shouted, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’

The woman below replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’

‘You must be an Accountant,’ said the balloonist.
‘I am,’ replied the woman, ‘How did you know?’

‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey.’
The woman below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’

‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’
‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it’s now become my fault!’

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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?”

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh . . . no, I didn’t know that.”

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

And the lawyer says, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

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ONE-LINERS : Things People think about while singing in the church choir:
~ I wonder if anyone out there notices I forgot my lipstick this morning.
~ I wonder who in the congregation will fall asleep first today?
~ 90 minutes till kickoff.
~ How many more verses?
~ What if some Sunday we have everyone in the choir wear regular clothes and everyone in the congregation wear robes? Yeah, that’s the ticket.
~ Boy, I wish I had/hadn’t skipped choir practice Wednesday night.
~ Why are there 666 hymns in the new Baptist Hymnal? Surely they realized the significance of that number. You’d think someone would have noticed and added or subtracted one.
~ If a wood chuck could chuck wood, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck?
~ I wonder what would happen if the congregation moved up here, and we moved down in the sanctuary? Would the Pastor preach to us or turn around and preach to them?

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One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, ‘Why are you eating grass?’

‘We don’t have any money for food,’ the poor man replied. ‘We have to eat grass.’

‘Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,’ the rich man said.

‘But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.’

‘Bring them along,’ the rich man replied. Turning to the other
poor man he announced, ‘You come with us, also.’
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, ‘But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.’

‘Bring them all, as well,’ the rich fellow answered.
They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich gent and said, ‘Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.’

The rich man replied, ‘Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.’

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pic of the day: Hummingbird coming in for a landing!

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Kev and Bill were talking one day. ‘My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the greengrocer’s,’ said Kevin.
‘So were you able to find some?” enquired Bill.

‘Well when I got to the shop, I asked the manager, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

Kevin continued, ‘The shopkeeper told me, ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.”

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’

The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.’

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.’

‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.’

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. ‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.

‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!’

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A guy who lived in an apartment put his head out the window to check the weather. As he did, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to spot a young woman looking distressed in the apartment three floors above his.
He took the elevator up three floors and knocked on the door directly above his. The young woman answered.
“Is this yours?” the man asked.
“Yes! I was afraid I lost it! Thank you very much! Can I offer you a drink?”
Of course, the man agreed.
After a couple of cocktails she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?”
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening.”
“So did I, but I just have to ask, do you act like this with every man you meet?”
“No, not at all. You just happened to catch my eye.”
The man then asked, “Would you like to join me for dinner another time?”
“Sure. When?”
“How about tomorrow?”

“Okay, I’ll keep an eye out for you.”

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A pastor places his order at the pet store: “I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get.”

The clerk replies, “We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?”

The pastor replies, “I’ve accepted a call to another church and the pastor’s council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it.”

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The attorney had drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife. The task was complicated because the couple was somewhat apprehensive about discussing death.
When they arrived to sign the documents, the lawyer ushered the couple into his office. “Now,” he said to them, “which one of you wants to go first?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE FIRST JAPANESE CAR PRODUCED IN THE US?

A car is a machine used for travel. It has 4 wheels that make it different form motorcycle and bicycle. This is used for travelling. There are many different kinds of cars. Did you know the very first Japanese car produced in the US? It is the Honda Accord?

The first American-produced Honda Accord was produced way back November of 1982. It rolled off the assembly line at the Marysville Auto Plant in Ohio, making it the first Japanese car to be produced in the United States. The Accord proveed to be quite well-liked. In its first year of production, it became the best-selling Japanese car in the United States – and title which it would hold for the next 15 years. As of 2005, the Honda Accord had made Car and Driver magazine’s annual Ten Best list 19 times, making it the vehicle in the 22-year history of the award.
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LIFE LESSON: Whatever you think, be sure it is what you think; whatever you want, be sure that is what you want; whatever you feel, be sure that is what you feel. – T. S. Eliot

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QUIP FOR THE DAY: Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture. – Jacquelyn Mitchard

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well. – Rene Descartes