Jokes and Trivia for September 17, 2010

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. – Arthur Miller

FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 17th – FRIDAY

260th day of 2010 with 105 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Apple Dumpling Day

*Citizenship Day

*Constitution Day

*POW/MIA Recognition Day – Third Friday of September

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1192 Minamoto no Sanetomo, Japan, shogun. (Jōkyū 1219–1222)
1677 Stephen Hales, Bekesbourne, Kent, England, English physiologist, chemist, and inventor. (Statical Essays)
1739 John Rutledge, Charleston, South Carolina, 2nd (appointed) Chief Justice of the United States.
1743 Marquis de Condorcet, Ribemont, Aisne, French mathematician. (Condorcet method )
1857 Konstantin Tsiolkovsky, Russian pioneer in rocket & space research
1906 Edgar Wayburn, Macon, Georgia, environmentalist.
1907 Warren E Burger, St. Paul, Minnesota, 15th Supreme Court chief justice (1969-86)
1923 Hank Williams, Montgomery, Alabama, country singer (Cold, Cold Heart, Hey Good Lookin’)
1928 Roddy McDowall English actor (Planet of the Apes, Lord Love a Duck)
1930 Jim Rohn, Yakima, Washington, business philosopher. (Five Major Pieces to the Life Puzzle)
1930 Edgar Dean Mitchell, Hereford TX, Captain USN/astronaut (Apollo 14)
1930 Thomas Stafford, Weatherford, Oklahoma, astronaut. (1 of only 24 people to have flown to the moon; Gemini 6A, Gemini 9A, Apollo 10, ASTP)
1935 Ken Kesey, La Junta, Colorado, author (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)
1939 David Souter, Weir, New Hampshire, Supreme Court Justice (1990- )
1948 John Ritter, Burbank, California, actor (Jack-3′s Company, Hooperman)
1956 Brian Andreas, Iowa City, Iowa, writer, sculptor, painter and publisher
1960 Damon Hill, English race car driver and 1996 F1 world champion
1968 Marie-Chantal, London, England, Crown Princess of Greece.
1975 Jimmie Johnson, El Cajon, CA, race car driver (2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 Sprint Cup Series Champion)

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The purpose of life is a life of purpose. – Robert Byrne

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1630 The city of Boston, Massachusetts is founded.
1683 Antonie van Leeuwenhoek writes a letter to the Royal Society describing “animalcules”: the first known description of protozoa.
1776 The Presidio of San Francisco is founded in New Spain (now California).
1778 The Treaty of Fort Pitt is signed. It is the first formal treaty between the United States and a Native American tribe (the Lenape or Delaware Indians).
1787 The United States Constitution is signed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
1862 American Civil War: George B. McClellan halts the northward drive of Robert E. Lee’s Confederate army in the single-day Battle of Antietam, the bloodiest day in American history.
1862 American Civil War: The Allegheny Arsenal explosion results in the single largest civilian disaster during the war.
1908 Wright Flyer flown by Orville Wright, with Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge as passenger, crashes; killing Selfridge, making him the first airplane fatality.
1900 Philippine-American War: Filipinos under Juan Cailles defeat Americans under Colonel Benjamin F. Cheatham at Mabitac.
1920 The National Football League is organized in Canton, Ohio, United States.
1928 The Okeechobee Hurricane strikes southeastern Florida, killing upwards of 2,500 people. It is the third deadliest natural disaster in United States history, behind the Galveston Hurricane of 1900 and the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.
1947 James V. Forrestal is sworn in as the first Secretary of Defense of United States.
1964 “Bewitched” premiers on ABC TV
1966 “Mission Impossible” premieres on CBS-TV
1972 “M*A*S*H” TV series premiers.
1976 NASA publicly unveils space shuttle Enterprise in Palmdale, CA.
1983 Vanessa Williams becomes the first black Miss America.
2001 The New York Stock Exchange reopens for trading after the September 11 Attacks, the longest closure since the Great Depression.
2007 AOL, once the largest ISP in the U.S., officially announces plans to refocus the company as an advertising business and to relocate its corporate headquarters from Dulles, Virginia to New York, New York.

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A pharmacist comes back from his break and sees a man leaning against the wall, his face strained and nervous. He asks his assistant: “What’s wrong with that man over there?”

“He came in looking for cough medicine,” she replies. “I couldn’t find any, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxatives.”

“Oh great!” steamed the pharmacist. “He is going to sue us now. You don’t give laxatives to a person with a cough!”

“Well,” said the clerk defensively, “look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”

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A big Texas rancher and a little Missouri farmer had a conversation.

The Texas rancher said, “I can get into my truck, drive it all day and not ever get off of my ranch!”

“Yeah,” replied the little Missouri farmer, “I had a truck like that one time.”

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ONE-LINERS : The 10 Best Caddy Replies

# 10 — Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
# 9 — Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
# 8 — Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
# 7 — Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?” Caddy: “Eventually.”
# 6 — Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.” Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
# 5 — Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of A distraction.” Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”
# 4 — Golfer: “How do you like my game?” Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
# 3 — Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?” Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
# 2 — Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.” Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
# 1 — Best Caddy Comment Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.” Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

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A man had tickets to Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Final right at center ice. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No,” he says. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?”

“Well, actually,” the man responds, “the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head, “No, no one. They’re all at the funeral.”

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pic of the day: Sunset

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Three women are at a house, one redhead, one brunette, and one blonde.

A genie appears and says the women can say anything, but if they tell a lie, the disappear.

The redhead says, “I think I am the smartest woman ever,” and she disappears.

The brunette says, “I think I am the most beautiful woman on Earth,” and she disappears.

The blonde says, “I think-” and she disappears.

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Once upon a time, there was a man. A genie appeared to the man, and offered him one wish.

“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to go to Fiji, but plane tickets are so expensive, and boats are so slow. Can you build a bridge from Los Angeles to Fiji?”

“I’m sorry, man,” the genie said. “You’re pretty much asking for the impossible. That’s six thousand miles of bridge. Plus, you’ll need fuel stations and motels on the way. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to ask for something else.”

“Oh,” said the disappointed man. “Well, can you grant me the ability to understand women?”

The genie cleared his throat. “How many lanes did you want on that bridge?”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening, “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

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So a blond was speeding down the highway. All of a sudden she gets pulled over (obviously because she was speeding.)

The cop who pulled her over was also a blond (uh-oh)… The cop says “Ma’am i need to see your drivers license ID.”

The driver was confused, being blond and all.

So, the cop decides to remind her what an ID is. “Ma’am its a rectangular thing with your picture on it”

The blond still has no idea, but looks for it anyways. So funny them blonds. She pulls out a rectangular mirror and hands it to the cop.

The blonde cop says to the blond driver, “Oh, sorry ma’am if I had known YOU were a cop too, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”

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Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.

The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, “Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! ”

The pirate said, “I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook.”

Then the brother said, “What about your leg?”

The pirate said, “A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg .”

Then the brother said, “Well , what about your eye?”

The pirate said, “I got some dust in it .”

The brother said, “How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?”

Then the pirate said, “It was my first day with my hook!

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Laughing out Loud?!

There’s a saying “Laughter is the best medicine”. Yes, this is indeed true. Laughter is a physiological response to humor, that has physiological, psychological, and physical benefits.

Mostly of us have the same opinion that we laugh when we find something to be humorous, yet there are different reasons exist for what we find to be humorous. Additionally, humorous for us varies on a different stages of life.

One benefit of laughing is achieving Good health. It said to reduces stress levels by minimizing the level of stress hormones, and also helps in dealing serious illnesses. It leads in lowering the blood pressure and promoting healing is its contribution physiologically.

Scientists estimate that laughing 100 times is equivalent to a 10-minute workout on a rowing machine, or to 15 minutes on a stationary exercise bike. An additional benefit of laughter is that it improves our over-all mental health, thus taking away our negative emotions, such as anger, fear, and sadness.

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LIFE LESSON: My formula for living is quite simple. I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night. In between, I occupy myself as best I can. – Cary Grant

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Quip of the Day: Friends are kisses blown to us by angels.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: There is no wealth but life. – John Ruskin