Jokes and Trivia for September 21, 2010

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed. – Storm Jameson

FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 21st – TUESDAY

264th day of 2010 with 101 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*International Peace Day

*Miniature Golf Day

*World Gratitude Day

*International Banana Festival

*National Pecan Cookie Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1756 John Loudon McAdam, Scottish engineer, created macadam road surface (asphalt)
1853 Heike Kamerlingh Onnes, Groningen, Netherlands, Dutch physicist (discovery of superconductivity)
1866 Charles Nicolle, Rouen, France, bacteriologist, known for Epidemic typhus
1866 H(erbert) G(eorge) Wells, Bromley, England, author – “Father of Science Fiction” (War of the Worlds, The Time Machine, The Invisible Man, The Island of Dr. Moreau)
1912 Chuck Jones, Spokane, Washington, animator (Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies, Bugs Bunny – Daffy Duck)
1918 John Gofman, Cleveland, Ohio, Manhattan Project scientist and advocate
1926 Donald A. Glaser, Cleveland, Ohio, physicist, known for Invention of bubble chamber
1931 Larry Hagman, Fort Worth, Texas, actor (I Dream of Jeannie, JR-Dallas)
1936 Diane Rehm, Washington, D.C., radio talk show host for National Public Radio
1947 Don Felder, Gainesville, Florida, guitarist (Eagles)
1947 Stephen King, Portland, Maine, suspense writer (Carrie, The Shining, Kujo, The Dark Tower series)
1950 Bill Murray, Evanston, Illinois, comedian (SNL, What About Bob, Ghostbusters)
1955 Richard Hieb, Jamestown, North Dakota, astronaut, NASA astronaut and a veteran of three space shuttle missions
1961 Nancy Travis, New York City, New York, actress (Greedy, Internal Affairs, Three Men and a Baby)
1962 Rob Morrow, New Rochelle, New York, actor (Numb3rs)
1967 Faith Hill, Ridgeland, Mississippi, country singer (married to Tim McGraw), Monday Night Football intro
1989 Jason Derulo, Miami, Florida, Pop singer (Whatcha Say)
1990 Christian Serratos, Pasadena, California, actress, model and singer (Angela Weber in Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse)
1990 Allison Scagliotti, Monterey, California, actress (Drake & Josh)

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The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its value. – Charles Dudley Warner

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1780 Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point.
1897 NY Sun runs famous “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus,” editorial.
1937 “The Hobbit” by J.R.R. Tolkien is published.
1938 The Great Hurricane of 1938 makes landfall on Long Island in New York. The death toll is estimated at 500-700 people.
1942 B-29 Superfortress makes its debut.
1957 “Perry Mason” with Raymond Burr premiers on CBS-TV.
1964 The North American XB-70 Valkyrie, the world’s first Mach 3 bomber, makes its maiden flight from Palmdale, California.
1965 Gambia, Maldives and Singapore are admitted as members of the United Nations.
1970 “Monday Night Football” on ABC premiers (Browns beat Jets 31-21).
1971 Bahrain, Bhutan and Qatar join the United Nations.
1972 Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos signs Proclamation No. 1081 placing the entire country under martial law.
1976 Orlando Letelier is assassinated in Washington, D.C. He is a member of the Chilean socialist government of Salvador Allende, overthrown in 1973 by Augusto Pinochet.
1989 Hurricane Hugo makes landfall in the U.S. state of South Carolina.
1991 Armenia is granted independence from Soviet Union.
2003 Galileo mission is terminated by sending the probe into Jupiter’s atmosphere, where it is crushed by the pressure at the lower altitudes.
2004 The Communist Party of India (Marxist-Leninist) People’s War and the Maoist Communist Centre of India merge to form the Communist Party of India (Maoist).
2008 Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, the two last remaining independent investment banks on Wall Street, become bank holding companies as a result of the subprime mortgage crisis.

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Guest to hotel desk clerk: “How much is a room for the night?”

“It’s $15 a night, but only $10 if you make your own bed.”

“I’ll make my own bed.”

And the desk clerk handed him some 2x4s and some nails.

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A blonde woman from a small town was walking through the woods late one Sunday afternoon when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

“Helllllp!” he cried when he spotted her.

“What are you doing up there?” the blonde called back.

“I was skydiving and my parachute didn’t open!”

The blonde rolled her eyes. “Well, of course it didn’t. ANYBODY can tell you that around here *nothing* opens on a Sunday!”

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ONE-LINERS : For and From Pilots

“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.” –At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” — From an old carrier sailor

“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”

“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot messes up, the pilot dies; If ATC messes up, the pilot dies.”

“Never trade luck for skill.”

“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”

“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”

“When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.”

“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” — Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ

“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”

“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”

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As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto, “Death from above!”

Later I noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared “Death from below!”

Then, standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet another warning: “Death from within!”

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pic of the day: Bumblebee on Goldenrod

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A distraught wife went to the local police station along with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The desk officer asked for a description of the missing man.

The wife said, “He is 35 years old, 6 foot 4 inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

The neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5-foot 8 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to kids.”

The wife replied, “Yeah, but who wants HIM back?”

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, the famed sharpshooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Caroline, gained some renown in her day as a singer in saloons throughout the West.

After her death, however, she became even more widely known. Today, countless saloons are dedicated to … “Carrie Oakley”.

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Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn’t think of the names of those who were to be married.

‘Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?’ Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

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“The other day I saw an unusual sight on the golf course. A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake.”

“That’s not unusual. People throw their clubs all the time.”

“A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake, and retrieved his clubs.”

“Now, that is unusual.”

“He then proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag and throw the clubs back into the water.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Pecan Trivia

~ Assuming that a pie is 9 inches in diameter, it would take 97,812,000 Pecan pies to circle the earth!

~ Every Pecan pie uses 1/2 lb- 3/4 lb of Pecans. It takes about 310 pecans halves to fill a one-pound bag. So there are about 78 pecans used in every pecan pie!

~ Pecans are the only tree nut that is truly native to the United States.

~ Georgia leads the nation in Pecan production. Georgia has been the top Pecan producing state in the nation since the late 1800s.

~ Pecans are one of the largest fruit-bearing trees. One irrigated, managed acre of Pecan trees will produce about 1,000 pounds of Pecans.

~ Pecans can be frozen and refrozen for at least two years without loss of flavor or texture.

~ Over 500 varieties of Pecans exist today. Over 1,000 cultivars have been released over the history of pecan culture. Only 3 are common and all 3 are available Georgia orchards.

~ Pecans are one of America’s favorite nuts and are a good source of oleic acid, Vitamin B1 – Thiamin, magnesium, protein, and fiber.

~ Pecans can help lower total blood cholesterol and combat heart disease. In 1992, Loma Linda University in California found that people who ate nuts at least 5 times a week had about half the rate of heart disease as people who never ate nuts.

~ America’s President, food connoisseur and gardener, Thomas Jefferson, was very taken by the flavor of pecans and had trees imported from Louisiana for his Monticello orchards.

~ In 1995, Georgia pecan wood was selected by the Atlanta Committee to make the handles of the torches for the 1996 Olympic Games. The torches were carried in the 15,000-mile U.S.A. relay and in the lighting of the Olympic flame in Atlanta on July 19, 1996.

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LIFE LESSON: Travel only with thy equals or thy betters; if there are none, travel alone. – The Dhammapada

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” – Unnamed English professor at Ohio University

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: You can have anything you want if you want it desperately enough. You must want it with an inner exuberance that erupts through the skin and joins the energy that created the world. – Sheila Graham