Jokes and Trivia for October 22, 2010

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives. - Euripides

FOR TODAY - OCTOBER 22nd - FRIDAY

295th day of 2010 with 70 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Nut Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1729 Johann Reinhold Forster, Dirschau, German botanist, best known as the naturalist on James Cook’s second Pacific voyage
1770 Thomas Seebeck, Reval, Baltic German physicist, known for Discovering the thermoelectric effect
1811 Franz Liszt, Raiding, Hungary, romantic composer/virtuoso pianist
1881 Clinton Davisson, Bloomington, Illinois, physicist (Nobel – discovered electron diffraction)
1896 Charles Glenn King, Entiat, Washington, biochemist (discovered vitamin C)
1903 George Wells Beadle, Wahoo, Nebraska, geneticist (Nobel -discovered the role of genes in regulating biochemical events within cells)
1933 Donald H Peterson, Winona, Mississippi, Col. USAF / astronaut (STS 6)
1938 Christopher Lloyd, Stamford, Connecticut, actor (Taxi, Back to the Future)
1946 Deepak Chopra, Indian-American physician and writer (Ayurveda, mind-body medicine)
1952 Jeff Goldblum, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, actor (Jurassic Park, Independence Day, The Fly, Thank God it’s Friday, Law & Order: Criminal Intent)
1961 Robert Torti, Van Nuys, California, actor (Race to Witch Mountain)
1963 Brian Boitano, Mountain View, California, figure skater (Olympic-gold-1988)
1965 John Wesley Harding, East Sussex, United Kingdom, American musician (The Devil in Me)
1968 Jay Johnston, Chicago, Illinois, actor and comedian (Mr. Show)
1976 Jon Foreman, San Bernardino County, California, musician (Switchfoot)

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An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie, for an excuse is a lie guarded. - Pope John Paul I

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1836 Sam Houston is inaugurated as the first President of the Republic of Texas.
1844 The Great Anticipation: Millerites, followers of William Miller, anticipate the end of the world in conjunction with the Second Advent of Christ. The following day became known as the Great Disappointment.
1883 The Metropolitan Opera House in New York City opens with a performance of Gounod’s Faust.
1926 J. Gordon Whitehead sucker punches magician Harry Houdini in the stomach in Montreal.
1934 In East Liverpool, Ohio, Federal Bureau of Investigation agents shoot and kill notorious bank robber Pretty Boy Floyd
1962 Cuban Missile Crisis: US President John F. Kennedy, after internal counsel from Dwight D. Eisenhower, announces that American reconnaissance planes have discovered Soviet nuclear weapons in Cuba, and that he has ordered a naval “quarantine” of the Communist nation.
1963 A BAC One-Eleven prototype airliner crashes in UK with the loss of all on board.
1968 Apollo program: Apollo 7 safely splashes down in the Atlantic Ocean after orbiting the Earth 163 times.
1981 The United States Federal Labor Relations Authority votes to decertify the Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization for its strike the previous August.
1983 Two correctional officers are killed by inmates in Marion, Illinois. The incident inspired the Supermax model of prisons.
2005 Tropical Storm Alpha forms in the Atlantic Basin, making the 2005 Atlantic Hurricane Season the most active Atlantic hurricane season on record with 22 named storms.

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A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. “I’d like one under-cooked egg so that it’s runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.”

“That’s a complicated order sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”

The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

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Golden oldie… Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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ONE-LINERS :

~ A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says, ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’
~ “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
~ A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said ” I haven’t seen you in a long time ” The man replied “I know I’ve been ill”
~ “So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’”
~ “So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’”
~ A man walked into the doctors, he said “I’ve hurt my arm in several places”
The doctor said “well don’t go there any more”

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Morris and his wife Maggy went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Maggy, I’d like to ride in that airplane.”

Maggy always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

One year Morris and Maggy went to the fair and Morris said, “Maggy, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”

Maggy replied, “Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you; but if you say one word it’s 50 dollars.”

Morris and Maggy agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Maggy fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

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pic of the day:

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,”Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!” The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, “Don’t look at me. He made his own lunch.”

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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

~A gossip is someone with a sense of rumor.

~When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

~Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

~A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

~Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

~A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

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Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window.

“This house is yours for eternity, Peyton.” God said. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”

Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3 story mansion with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flag pole with an enormous Seahawks flag, and in every window a blue Towel.

Peyton looked at God and said, “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.”

God said, “So what’s your point Peyton?”

“Well, why does Matt Hasselbeck get a better house than me?”

God chuckled, and said, “Peyton, that’s not Matt’s house, it’s mine.”

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A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”

“I’d love to be ten again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear-everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?”

One eye opened. “I meant my dress size.”

The moral of this story is, If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear her, he will get it wrong anyway.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: PEANUTS

~was probably first domesticated in the valleys of Perú

~Dr. George Washington Carver researched and developed more than 300 uses for peanuts in the early 1900s and by that, he was called as “The Father of the Peanut Industry”

~Chocolate manufacturers use 20% of the worlds peanuts (2008).

~The U.S. produced about 4.1 billion pounds of peanuts way back 2004.

~a man named Tom Miller pushed a peanut to the top of Pike’s Peak (14,100 feet) using his nose in just 4 days, 23 hours, 47 minutes and 3 seconds.

~Peanuts originated South America, where they were cultivated by Indians for at least 2000 years.

~In 1500 B.C., the Incans of Peru made peanuts as sacrificial offerings and entombed them with their mummies to aid in the spirit life.

~ the two most popular are the Virginia and the Spanish peanut -the Virginia peanut is larger and more oval in shape than the smaller, rounder Spanish peanut.

~The U.S. produces only about 6% of the world crop.

~Americans can consume 3 pounds of peanut butter per person every year. That’s about 700 million pounds, or enough to coat the floor of the Grand Canyon!

~ Thomas Jefferson and Jimmy Carter: they were peanut farmers who have been elected President of the United States

~Georgia is the principal producer of peanuts in the U.S.

~The very first peanuts full-grown in the United States were grown inVirginia.

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LIFE LESSON: Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help you create the fact. - William James

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QUIP OF THE DAY: You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive again.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. - Helen Keller