Jokes and Trivia for October 3, 2011

Many men can make a fortune but very few can build a family. – J. S. Bryan

FOR TODAY – OCTOBER 3rd – MONDAY

276th day of 2011 with 89 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Techies Day

*Virus Appreciation Day

*National Caramel Custard Day

*Computer Learning Month

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1716 Giovanni Battista Beccaria, Mondovì, Italian physicist
1790 John Ross (Cherokee chief), Principal Chief of the Cherokee Nation
1844 Sir Patrick Manson, Scottish physician, “Father of tropical medicine”
1854 William Crawford Gorgas, Toulminville, Alabama, army physician, Surgeon-General, help cure yellow fever
1900 Thomas Wolfe, Asheville, North Carolina, author (Look Homeward Angel, You Can’t Go Home Again)
1916 James Herriot, English veterinarian and author (All Creatures Great & Small)
1924 Harvey Kurtzman, Brooklyn, New York, cartoonist and founding editor of Mad magazine
1935 Charles M Duke Jr, Charlotte, North Carolina, Brig Gen USAF/astronaut (Apollo 16 – one of only 12 men who have walked on the moon)
1938 Eddie Cochran, Albert Lea, Minnesota, American singer and guitarist (“C’mon Everybody”, “Somethin’ Else”)
1941 Chubby Checker, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, singer / songwriter (The Twist)
1948 Michael Medved, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, film critic/ radio talk show host/ author
1950 Pamela Hensley, Glendale, California, actress (Princess Ardala / Buck Rogers in the 25th Century)
1951 Kathryn D Sullivan, Paterson, New Jersey, PhD/astronaut (STS 41-G, 28, 31, 45), 1st American woman to walk in space
1959 Jack Wagner, Washington, Missouri, actor and singer (General Hospital, The Bold and the Beautiful, and Melrose Place)
1961 Rebecca Stephens, first British woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest
1971 Kevin Richardson, Lexington, Kentucky, singer (Backstreet Boys)
1976 Seann William Scott, Cottage Grove, Minnesota, actor (Final Destination, Road Trip, Dude, Where’s My Car?, Evolution, The Rundown, The Dukes of Hazzard, Role Models)
1980 Danny O’Donoghue, Dublin, Ireland, Irish singer (The Script)
1984 Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, Waco, Texas, singer (The Ashlee Simpson Show )
1996 Adair Tishler, Nashville, Tennessee,actress (An American Girl: Chrissa Stands Strong)

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If you’re never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances. – Julia Sorel

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1712 The Duke of Montrose issues a warrant for the arrest of Rob Roy MacGregor.
1739 The Treaty of Nissa is signed by the Ottoman Empire and Russia at the finish of the Russian-Turkish War, 1736–1739.
1778 British Captain James Cook anchors in Alaska.
1789 George Washington proclaims the first Thanksgiving Day.
1795 General Napoleon Bonaparte first rises to national prominence being named to defend the French National Convention against armed counter-revolutionary rioters threatening the three year old revolutionary government.
1849 American author Edgar Allan Poe is found delirious in a gutter in Baltimore, Maryland under mysterious circumstances; it is the last time he is seen in public before his death.
1863 The last Thursday in November is declared as Thanksgiving Day by President Abraham Lincoln as are Thursdays, November 30, 1865 and November 29, 1866.
1873 Captain Jack and companions are hanged for their part in the Modoc War.
1951 The “Shot Heard ‘Round the World”, one of the greatest moments in Major League Baseball history, occurs when the New York Giants’ Bobby Thomson hits a game winning home run in the bottom of the ninth inning off of the Brooklyn Dodgers pitcher Ralph Branca, to win the National League pennant after being down 14 games.
1955 The Mickey Mouse Club debuts on ABC.
1955 “Captain Kangaroo” premieres, Good Morning, Captain!
1961 The Dick Van Dyke Show premieres on CBS-TV in the United States.
1962 Sigma 7 launched from Cape Canaveral, with Astronaut Wally Schirra aboard for a six-orbit, 9 hours, 15 minute flight.
1964 First Buffalo Wings are made at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, New York.
1990 The German Democratic Republic ceases to exist, and East German citizens become part of the European Community, which later became the European Union. Now celebrated as German Unity Day.
1995 O. J. Simpson is found not guilty of the murders of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman.
2008 The Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008 for the US financial system is signed by President Bush.

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The story went something like this:

Sergeant: When you are scared, what do you do?

Recruit: Keep on fightin’

Sergeant: Good for you. And now they shoot off your right ear…what then?

Recruit: Keep on fightn’!

Sergeant: Excellent. But now they also shoot off your left ear, what then?

Recruit: Then I can’t see.

Sergeant: Can’t see? what school did you come from?

Recruit: Well sergeant, when both my ears are gone my helmet falls down…over my eyes.

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The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

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ONE-LINERS : You’ll never hear at a Star Trek Convention

* ”Hey, guys, how ’bout we finish this conversation over a beer at the topless bar?”

* ”Jim Beam me up, Scotty.”

* ”Oooh, Girlfriend — Just look at all these hunks! Set your phaser for ‘Love!’”

* ”You’re nuts. Swimming is by far the hardest part of any Iron Man Triatholan.”

* “Kirk, Picard… what’s the difference, they’re both losers. I’ll take Will Robinson and Dr. Smith any day.”

* ”I dunno, sometimes I wonder if the show was really deserving of all this attention.”

* ”It’s pointless to compare the original crew to the Next Generation, since they’re only fictional characters anyway.”

* ”Does this Star Fleet Academy uniform make me look fat?”

* ”Will the owner of the red Porsche 911, license plate ‘STUDMFN’, please turn your headlights off?”

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Professors of physics, chemistry and statistics are in the Dean’s office. The Dean is called out shortly after they arrive, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, “I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out.”

The chemist says, “No! No! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants.”

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they are both alarmed to see the statistician running around the room setting more fires. They both scream, “What are you doing?!?”

The statistician calmly replies, “Trying to get an adequate sample size.”

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pic of the day: Where’s My Dinner?

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A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.

A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn’t believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

“Cartwheels,” Gregory answered.

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In the morning the day after I was married, the phone rang. “Reverse charges call from Jackie,” said the operator. “Will you accept the charges?”

I couldn’t think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; so I said no and put down the ‘phone.

A moment later, the phone rang again. “Hi, Margaret, it’s Jackie,” said a familiar voice, “your mother-in-law.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant’s fingers.

~Without geometry, life is pointless

~I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

~Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

~I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.

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A small passenger helicopter is preparing for landing in the Seattle area. The weather is lousy, totally socked in with zero ceiling and even less visibility. Suddenly lightning srikes the chopper, knocking out all of the instruments and the radio.

The pilot continues, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself hovering next to a tall office building.

He opens a window and yells to a person inside the building, “Where are we?”

The person responds, “You’re in a helicopter!”

The pilot banks sharply to the right, goes a few miles and makes a perfect landing at the heliport.

As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot, “I’m certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don’t understand how the response you got was of any use.”

“Simple. I got an answer that was completely accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the Microsoft building.”

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A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting together. They spy a deer in the woods.

The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.

“Shame you missed,” comments the engineer, “but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that.” He then levels his gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don’t do anything but impress onlookers. The engineer fires. His bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and vanishes for good.

The physicist observes, “your contraption didn’t get it either.”

“What do you mean?” pipes up the mathematician. “On average, that was a perfect shot!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: National Caramel Custard Day – So what is it exactly? Well, Caramel Custard is a rich, flavorful dessert that originated in Europe. The Ancient Romans experimented with the binding properties of eggs in their cooking, but custard as we know it didn’t emerge until the Middle Ages.

Today, there are many variations of the classic custard dessert. These include vanilla, lemon, and caramel. To celebrate National Caramel Custard Day, try your hand at making your own caramel and pour it over custard for a scrumptious treat!

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LIFE LESSON: Do not pursue what is illusory – property and position: all that is gained at the expense of your nerves decade after decade and can be confiscated in one fell night. Live with a steady superiority over life – don’t be afraid of misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness; it is after all, all the same: the bitter doesn’t last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing. – Alexander Solzhenitsyn

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.” – Sam Rayburn

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: True love brings up everything – you’re allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily. – Jennifer Aniston, O Magazine, February 2004