Jokes and Trivia for November 2, 2010

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. – Confucius

FOR TODAY – NOVEMBER 2nd-TUESDAY

306thday of 2010 with 59 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*All Soul’s Day

*Plan Your Epitath Day

*Look for Circles Day

*Deviled Egg Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1734 Daniel Boone, Oley Valley, Pennsylvania, frontiersman /explorer (US Hall of Fame-1915)
1755 Marie-Antoinette, Queen of France
1795 James Knox Polk, Pineville, North Carolina, 11th President of the United States (D) (1845-1849)
1799 John Light Atlee, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, physician and surgeon (one of organizers of the American Medical Association)
1815 George Boole, English mathematician (Boolean algebra)
1865 Warren Gamaliel Harding, Blooming Grove, Ohio, 29th President of the United States (R) (1921-23)
1885 Harlow Shapley, Nashville, Missouri, astronomer (studied the galaxies, helped found National Science Foundation)
1894 Alexander Lippisch, German scientist (contributions to the understanding of flying wings, delta wings and the ground effect)
1929 Richard E. Taylor, Medicine Hat, Alberta, physicist (Nobel /deep inelastic scattering of electrons on protons and bound neutrons, which have been of essential importance for the development of the quark model in particle physics)
1913 Burt Lancaster, New York City, New York, actor (From Here to Eternity, Elmer Gantry, Birdman of Alcatraz)
1942 Stefanie Powers, Hollywood, California, actress (Girl From UNCLE, Hart to Hart, McLintock!)
1944 Jeffrey A Hoffman, Brooklyn, New York, PhD/astronaut (STS-51-D, STS-35, STS-46, STS-61, STS-75)
1957 Carter Beauford, Charlottesville, Virginia, drummer (Dave Matthews Band)
1963 Bobby Dall, Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, musician Poison (band)
1966 David Schwimmer, Astoria, Queens, New York, actor (Friends, Band of Brothers )
1990 Kendall Schmidt, Andover, Kansas, singer and actor (Nickelodeon show, Big Time Rush )

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There is no failure except in no longer trying. – Elbert Hubbard

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1783 In Rocky Hill, New Jersey, US General George Washington gives his “Farewell Address to the Army”.
1861 American Civil War: Western Department Union General John C. Fremont is relieved of command and replaced by David Hunter.
1889 North Dakota becomes 39th & South Dakota becomes the 40th state.
1895 The first gasoline-powered race in the United States. First prize: $2,000
1920 In the United States, KDKA of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania starts broadcasting as the first commercial radio station. The first broadcast is the result of the U.S. presidential election, 1920.
1936 First high-definition TV broadcast service, by BBC in London.
1947 In California, designer Howard Hughes performs the maiden (and only) flight of the Spruce Goose; the largest fixed-wing aircraft ever built.
1948 Truman beats Dewey, confounding pollsters & newspapers.
1957 The Levelland UFO Case in Levelland, Texas, generates national publicity, and remains one of the most impressive UFO cases in American history.
1959 “Twenty-One” game show contestant Charles Van Doren admits to a Congressional committee that he had been given questions and answers in advance.
1960 Penguin Books is found not guilty of obscenity in the Lady Chatterley’s Lover case
1963 South Vietnamese President Ngô Ðình Diệm is assassinated following a military coup.
1964 King Saud of Saudi Arabia is deposed by a family coup, and replaced by his half-brother King Faisal.
1966 The Cuban Adjustment Act enters force, allowing 123,000 Cubans the opportunity to apply for permanent residence in the United States.
1983 U.S. President Ronald Reagan signs a bill creating Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
1984 Capital punishment: Velma Barfield becomes the first woman executed in the United States since 1962.
1988 The Morris worm, the first internet-distributed computer worm to gain significant mainstream media attention, is launched from MIT.
2000 The first crew arrived at the International Space Station

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I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it because it was very pretty. The clerk said, “It’s made in Germany.”

“That’s too bad, I can’t use it then.”

“Why? Don’t you like German pens?”

“I never learned to write German.”

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NORTH vs. SOUTH

The North has Bloomingdale’s, The South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names (Smith-Jones), The South has double first names (Billy-Bob).

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

North has Oatmeal, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

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ONE-LINERS: KING SOLOMON’S PET PEEVES

7. Having people ask, “If you’re so smart, why haven’t you been on Jeopardy?”

6. Being asked the names of all his wives and children

5. Finding Christmas cards large enough for the names of everyone in his family

4. Signing Christmas cards

3. Being a tourist attraction (1 Kings 4:34)

2. Not being able to find the tune to “Song of Solomon”

1. Having all those mothers-in-law

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

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pic of the day: Fall Foliage in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee

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A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.”

Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it…

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”

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What would they have driven?

Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?”. But the initials really have been changed to stand for “What would Jesus drive?”.

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury”.

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm”.

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast”.

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord…”

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills”.

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land”. And, following Jesus’ lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda… “The Apostles were in one Accord.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A large corporation occupied the 26th floor of a high rise office building. Three of the workers shared a corner office with a large plate glass window. Their names were Dee, Mel and an older, more formal Chinese gentlemen who went by the name D. Song. One day a large hawk crashed into the plate glass window leaving a large crack. The office manager explained to the three workers that glazers would becoming the next day to remove the cracked window. He warned them to be cautious because the glazers would have to leave the window space open for most of the day. This was because the replacement window would have to be cut to size and lifted into place. There would only be a low sill near the floor separating the office from the outside world. The next day the glazers removed the window. A bee flew into the office and Mr. D. Song chased the bee with a rolled up newspaper. Unfortunately he tripped over a wastebasket and over the window sill to his death. The office manager rushed in after hearing the horrified screams and immediately sized up the situation and said:
D. Song is over but Mel-n-Dee linger on.

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A Good Way to Begin the Day

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it “HOUSEWORK”

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”

6. Answer calmly, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly….

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Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click.’”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: The Good Information for Egg Eaters

Eggs – once thought to be a harmful cholesterol-raising food have now been found to have no effect on most of the general public when eaten as part of a healthy balanced diet.

Why are eggs an excellent food?

~Eggs are naturally high in Protein

~One large egg has less than five grams of fat and is not high in kilojoules

~Eggs have less than 2 grams saturated fat

~Eggs are a good source of 11 vitamins and minerals. They are a good source of vitamin B12 which may be lacking in vegetarian diets

~Eggs are a rich in Iron. Iron is best absorbed from food when Vitamin C is also present so it is suggested to combine eggs with a glass of orange juice for even better nutrition

~Eating 2 eggs per day is acceptable as long as you have normal blood cholesterol! It will not increase LDL (bad) blood cholesterol.

~Eggs are an ideal food as a substitute to meat

~Eggs are very cost-effective and exceedingly nutritious

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LIFE LESSON: Ask not what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive… then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. – Howard Thurman

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QUIP OF THE DAY: When one of my plants dies, I die a little inside, too. – Linda Solegato

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not. – Vaclav Havel