Jokes and Trivia for August 13, 2013

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

TODAY – AUGUST 13th – TUESDAY

225th day of 2013 with 140 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Filet Mignon Day

*Left Hander’s Day

*National Smile Week

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1625 Rasmus Bartholin, Danish physician, mathematician & physicist (known for double refraction of a light ray)
  • 1814 Anders Jonas Ångström, Swedish physicist (known for Spectroscopy)
  • 1818 Lucy Stone, West Brookfield, Massachusetts, abolitionist and suffragist (1st woman from Massachusetts to earn college degree; spoke for women’s rights, 1st recorded American woman to retain own last name after marriage)
  • 1819 George Gabriel Stokes, Irish physicist (made important contributions to fluid dynamics)
  • 1860 Annie Oakley, North Star, Ohio, sharpshooter (Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show)
  • 1899 Alfred Hitchcock, British-American film director & producer (suspense & psychological thrillers; Sabotage, Jamaica Inn, Notorious, Strangers on a Train, Vertigo, Psycho, The Birds, Family Plot)
  • 1902 Felix Wankel, German engineer and inventor (developed seals and rotary valves for German air force aircraft and navy torpedoes, for BMW and Daimler-Benz)
  • 1912 Ben Hogan, Stephenville, Texas, Professional golfer (noted for influence on golf swing theory & legendary ball-striking ability)
  • 1912 Salvador Luria, Italian-American microbiologist (Nobel / showed bacterial resistance to viruses is genetically inherited)
  • 1918 Frederick Sanger, English chemist (Nobel/ structure of proteins, especially that of insulin)
  • 1919 Rex Humbard, Little Rock, Arkansas, television evangelist (Cathedral of Tomorrow)
  • 1944 Kevin Tighe, Los Angeles, California, actor (Roy DeSoto on Emergency; Lost, Escape to Witch Mountain, School Ties)
  • 1951 Dan Fogelberg, Peoria, Illinois, singer-songwriter (Longer, Leader of the Band)
  • 1959 Danny Bonaduce, Broomall, Pennsylvania, actor (The Partridge Family, Corvette Summer, ChiPs)
  • 1961 Dawnn Lewis, Brooklyn, New York City, actress (Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper)
  • 1961 Tom Perrotta, Garwood, New Jersey, author / screenwriter (Election, Little Children)
  • 1962 John Slattery Jr., Boston, Massachusetts, actor (Ed, Mad Men, Desperate Housewives, Iron Man 2)
  • 1972 Kevin Plank, Kensington, Maryland, CEO (founder of Under Armour, Inc.)
  • 1974 Sam Endicott, Washington, D.C., American singer (The Bravery)
  • 2000 Piper Reese, American webshow reporter (Piper’s Picks TV and Piper’s QUICK Picks)

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“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1831 Nat Turner sees a solar eclipse, which he believes is a sign from God. Eight days later he and 70 other slaves kill approximately 55 whites in Southampton County, Virginia.
  • 1906 The all black infantrymen of the U.S. Army’s 25th Infantry Regiment are accused of killing a white bartender and wounding a white police officer in Brownsville, Texas, despite exculpatory evidence; all are later dishonorably discharged.
  • 1913 Otto Witte, an acrobat, is purportedly crowned King of Albania.
  • 1913 First production in the UK of stainless steel by Harry Brearley.
  • 1918 Women enlist in the United States Marine Corps for the first time. Opha Mae Johnson is the first woman to enlist.
  • 1942 Major General Eugene Reybold of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers authorizes the construction of facilities that would house the “Development of Substitute Materials” project, better known as the Manhattan Project.
  • 1965 Peter Allen and Gwynne Evans are hanged for the Murder of John Alan West becoming the last people people executed in the United Kingdom.
  • 1968 Alexandros Panagoulis attempts to assassinate the Greek dictator Colonel Georgios Papadopoulos in Varkiza, Athens.
  • 1969 The Apollo 11 astronauts are released from a three-week quarantine to enjoy a ticker-tape parade in New York. That evening, at a state dinner in Los Angeles, they are awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by U.S. President Richard Nixon.
  • 1979 The roof of the uncompleted Rosemont Horizon near Chicago, Illinois collapses, killing 5 workers and injuring 16.
  • 2004 Hurricane Charley, a Category 4 storm, strikes Punta Gorda, Florida and devastates the surrounding area.
  • 2004 156 Congolese Tutsi refugees are massacred at the Gatumba refugee camp in Burundi.
  • 2008 South Ossetian War: Russian units occupy the Georgian city of Gori.
  • 2011 The main stage collapses at the Indiana State Fair in Indianapolis during a hurricane-force wind gust ahead of an approaching severe thunderstorm, killing 7 and injuring 45.

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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, “That’s it.”

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Trying to disprove the saying “You can’t take it with you,” a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that old fool!” she exclaimed. “I knew I should have put the money in the basement.”

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ONE-LINERS: You Know You Love Dogs When…

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.

The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you’re at work.

You can’t see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.

Your dog sleeps with you.

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.

Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don’t.

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.

You’d rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.

You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it’s one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.

You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.

You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.

You don’t think it’s the least bit strange to stand in the back yard yelling, “Emily, pee!” over and over again, while Emily tends to play and forget what she’s out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).

You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.

Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.

Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.

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During the ‘rush hour’ at Houston’s Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.

Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, ‘We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should ‘deplane’ at this time.’

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. ‘Sorry,’ he said, wrong plane.’

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pic of the day: Goldfinch

picture of goldfinch

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
Skate!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible!

What is a duck’s favorite dance?
The quackstep!

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This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, “Cat caught in machine, come quick!”

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

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Inner Wisdom Revealed

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things

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A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant’s head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: “Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.” – Kurt Vonnegut

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.” – Neil Gaiman

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