Jokes and Trivia for August 15, 2013

“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” ― Albert Einstein

TODAY – AUGUST 15th – THURSDAY

227th day of 2013 with 138 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Sit Back and Relax Day

*Lemon Meringue Pie Day

*Feast day of the Assumption of Mary

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1769 Napoleon Bonaparte, Emperor of France (1804-13, 1814-15)
  • 1771 Sir Walter Scott, Scottish novelist and poet (Rob Roy, The Lady of the Lake, Bonnie Dundee)
  • 1858 E. Nesbit, English author of children’s books (The Story of the Treasure Seekers, The Wouldbegoods, The Railway Children)
  • 1885 Edna Ferber, Kalamazoo, Michigan, novelist (Showboat, American Beauty)
  • 1892 Louis de Broglie, Dieppe, France, physicist (Wave nature of electrons, de Broglie wavelength)
  • 1893 Leslie Comrie, New Zealand, astronomer/computing pioneer (founded 1st computing bureau)
  • 1896 Gerty Cori, Prague, Austro-Hungarian Empire, biochemist (Extensive research on carbohydrate metabolism; described the Cori cycle; identified Glucose 1-phosphate)
  • 1896 Leon Theremin, Saint Petersburg, Russian Empire, inventor, most famous for his invention of the theremin, one of the first electronic musical instruments
  • 1896 Paul Outerbridge, American photographer (noted for early use of color photography)
  • 1904 George Klein, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, inventor (include key contributions to the first electric wheelchairs for quadriplegics, the first microsurgical staple gun, the ZEEP nuclear reactor, Canadarm)
  • 1905 Emile St. Godard, from Winnipeg, Canada, dog musher / dog sled racer (1932 Winter Olympics; 1956 only dogsled racer entered into Canada’s Sports Hall of Fame)
  • 1912 Julia Child, Pasadena, California, chef and tv personality (Mastering the Art of French Cooking)
  • 1923 Rose Marie, NYC, New York, actress (The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Doris Day Show, Hollywood Squares)
  • 1925 Mike Connors, Fresno, California, actor (Mannix, Tightrope, Island in the Sky, Today’s F.B.I.)
  • 1950 Princess Anne, England (daughter of Queen Elizabeth II)
  • 1951 Bobby Caldwell, Manhattan, New York, singer and musician (“What You Won’t Do for Love )
  • 1954 Mary Jo Salter, Grand Rapids, Michigan, poet/editor (A Kiss in Space, Norton Anthology of Poetry)
  • 1967 Peter Hermann, New York City, New York, actor (Edge of Darkness, Just Wright )
  • 1968 Debra Messing, Brooklyn, New York, actress (Will & Grace , The Starter Wife )
  • 1972 Ben Affleck, Berkeley, California, actor (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Changing Lanes, The Sum of All Fears , Daredevil , Good Will Hunting)
  • 1979 Carl Edwards, Columbia Missouri, NASCAR driver (Sprint All-Star Race XXVII winner, 2003 NASCAR Craftsman Truck series Rookie of the Year, 2005 NASCAR Busch Series Rookie of the Year, 2007 NASCAR Busch Series Champion)
  • 1980 Nathalie Press, North London, actress (My Summer of Love, Wasp )
  • 1989 Joe Jonas, Casa Grande, Arizona, actor and singer (Jonas Brothers )

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“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” ― Mark Twain

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1824 Freed American slaves found Liberia.
  • 1843 The Cathedral of Our Lady of Peace in Honolulu, Hawaii is dedicated. Now the cathedral of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Honolulu, it is the oldest Roman Catholic cathedral in continuous use in the United States.
  • 1843 Tivoli Gardens, one of the oldest still intact amusement parks in the world, opens in Copenhagen, Denmark.
  • 1891 San Sebastian Church in Manila, the first all-steel church in Asia, is officially inaugurated and blessed.
  • 1914 A male servant of American architect Frank Lloyd Wright sets fire to the living quarters of the architect’s Wisconsin home, Taliesin, murders seven people and burns the living quarters to the ground.
  • 1935 Will Rogers and Wiley Post are killed after their aircraft develops engine problems during takeoff in Barrow, Alaska.
  • 1947 India becomes independent, Islamic part becomes Pakistan.
  • 1948 The Republic of Korea is established south of the 38th Parallel.
  • 1960 Congo (Brazzaville) gains independence from France.
  • 1961 Conrad Schumann flees from East Germany while on duty guarding the construction of the Berlin Wall.
  • 1963 Execution of Henry John Burnett, the last man to be hanged in Scotland.
  • 1965 The Beatles play to nearly 60,000 fans at Shea Stadium in New York City, in an event later seen as marking the birth of stadium rock.
  • 1969 Woodstock Music & Art Fair opens in NY State (Max Yasgur’s Dairy Farm).
  • 1971 President Richard Nixon completes the break from the gold standard by ending convertibility of the United States dollar into gold by foreign investors.
  • 1977 The Big Ear, a radio telescope operated by Ohio State University as part of the SETI project, receives a radio signal from deep space; the event is named the “Wow! signal” from the notation made by a volunteer on the project.

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These two blondes rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They’re amazed at the number of fish that they catch, so one says to the other, “We’ll have to come back here tomorrow!”

The other asks, “But how will we remember where this spot is?”

The first blonde then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, “We’ll just look for this X tomorrow.”

The other blonde says, “You idiot! How do you know we’ll get the same boat?”

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do not think — therefore I am not.

Here is the illustration of this principle:

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, “Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?”.

Descartes replied, “I think not.”, and promptly vanished.

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ONE-LINERS: You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…
*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you

*You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

*You sleep with your eyes open

*You have to watch videos in fast-forward

*You lick your coffee pot clean

*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

*You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

*You can jump-start your car without cables

*Your only sources of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”

*You don’t sweat, you percolate

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Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish and….”

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pic of the day: Squirrel on Chair

 SQUIRREL-CHAIR_2653

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad!

Whats the world weakest animal?
A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole!

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?
Lily!

What do Scottish toads play?
Hop-scotch!

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It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and “pointier” parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, “Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”

“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”

(pause)

“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale, which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”

“That’s not why it’s there.”

(pause)

“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”

“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

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The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

“I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle,” he explained. “Now begin!”

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

“Why did you stop. Smith?” demanded the officer.

“If you please, sir,” said Smith, “I’m freewheeling for a while.”

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Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” ― Henry David Thoreau

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