Jokes and Trivia for August 20, 2013

“Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability.” — H.P. Lovecraft

TODAY – AUGUST 20th – TUESDAY

232nd day of 2013 with 133 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Radio Day

*National Chocolate Pecan Pie Day

*World Mosquito Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1779 Jöns Jakob Berzelius, Swedish chemist (worked out the modern technique of chemical formula notation)
  • 1833 Benjamin Harrison, North Bend, Ohio, 23rd President of the United States
  • 1881 Edgar Guest, English-born American poet (the People’s Poet)
  • 1890 H.P. (Howard Phillips) Lovecraft, Providence, Rhode Island, author (Cthulhu Mythos story cycle, Necronomicon)
  • 1907 Alan Reed, NYC, New York, voice actor (original voice of Fred Flinstone)
  • 1913 Roger Wolcott Sperry, Hartford, Connecticut, neurobiologist (Nobel / split-brain research)
  • 1918 Jacqueline Susann, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, author (Valley of the Dolls)
  • 1923 Jim Reeves (Gentleman Jim), Galloway, Texas, singer-songwriter (Four Walls, Blue Christmas, He’ll Have to Go)
  • 1931 Don King, Cleveland, Ohio, boxing promoter (The Rumble in the Jungle, Thrilla in Manila)
  • 1935 Ron Paul, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, physician, author & politician (U.S. Representative for Texas 14th congressional district; 3x Presidential candidate)
  • 1936 Hideki Shirakawa, Tokyo, Japanese chemist ( Nobel / discovery of conductive polymers)
  • 1937 Jim Bowen, Heswall, Cheshire, England, English comedian (Bullseye )
  • 1942 Isaac Hayes, Jr., Covington, Tennessee, singer-songwriter, actor (Soul Man, musical score for Shaft, voice of Chef on South Park)
  • 1943 Connie Chung, Washington, D.C., news anchor & reporter
  • 1943 Sylvester McCoy, Scottish actor (7th incarnation of Dr. Who – final doctor of the original program 1987-1989)
  • 1951 Greg Bear, San Diego, California, author (Series: Forge of God, The Way; Queen of Angels, Blood Music, Darwin’s Radio, Forerunner Trilogy (Halo universe), middle prequel novel to Foundation trilogy, Star Trek: Corona, Star Wars: Rogue Planet)
  • 1952 Doug Fieger, Oak Park, Michigan, musician (The Knack)
  • 1954 Al Roker, Queens, New York, television weatherman, actor, author (The Midnight Show Murders)
  • 1961 Greg Egan, Australian author (Quarantine, Diaspora, Our Lady of Chernobyl, Oceanic, Permutation City)
  • 1967 Colin Cunningham, Los Angeles, California, actor (Falling Skies)
  • 1970 Fred Durst, Gastonia, North Carolina, singer (Limp Bizkit)
  • 1971 Jonathan Ke Quan, Saigon, Vietnam, American actor (Short Round in Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom, The Goonies)
  • 1974 Amy Adams, Vicenza, Italy, American actress and singer (Drop Dead Gorgeous, Junebug, Enchanted, Doubt, The Fighter)
  • 1974 Misha Collins, Boston, Massachusetts, actor (Supernatural, The Grift, Stonehenge Apocalypse)
  • 1992 Demi Lovato, Albuquerque, New Mexico, actress and singer (Camp Rock)

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“It is easy to smile in the face of a challenge, when we believe in ourselves that we won’t back down.” ― Ellen J. Barrier

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1858 Charles Darwin first publishes his theory of evolution through natural selection in The Journal of the Proceedings of the Linnean Society of London, alongside Alfred Russel Wallace’s same theory.
  • 1866 President Andrew Johnson formally declares the American Civil War over.
  • 1882 Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture debuts in Moscow.
  • 1920 The first commercial radio station, 8MK (now WWJ), begins operations in Detroit, Michigan.
  • 1920 The National Football League, (NFL), is founded in the United States.
  • 1938 Lou Gehrig hits his 23rd career grand slam – a record that still stands.
  • 1940 British Prime Minister Winston Churchill makes the fourth of his famous wartime speeches, containing the line “Never was so much owed by so many to so few”.
  • 1975 NASA launches the Viking 1 planetary probe toward Mars.
  • 1977 NASA launches the Voyager 2 spacecraft.
  • 1986 In Edmond, Oklahoma, U.S. Postal employee Patrick Sherrill guns down 14 of his co-workers and then commits suicide.
  • 1988 “Black Saturday” of the Yellowstone fire in Yellowstone National Park
  • 1988 Peru becomes a member of the Berne Convention copyright treaty.
  • 1998 The Supreme Court of Canada rules that Quebec cannot legally secede from Canada without the federal government’s approval.
  • 1998 U.S. embassy bombings: the United States launches cruise missile attacks against alleged al-Qaida camps in Afghanistan and a suspected chemical plant in Sudan in retaliation for the August 7 bombings of American embassies in Kenya and Tanzania.

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked my wife, ‘Do you know him?’

‘Yes,’ she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My word!’ I said to my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started.

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And the thing about my jokes is, they don’t hurt anybody. You can take ’em or leave ’em – you can say they’re funny or they’re terrible or they’re good, or whatever, but you can just pass ’em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it’s a law! And every time they make a law, it’s a joke! – Will Rogers

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One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, “No, but I appreciate you asking.”

The child responded, “Well, I appreciate you saying no.”

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ONE-LINERS: Top 10 ways to brighten your day by annoying others.
1. Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go.”
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Practice making fax and modem noises.
4. Make beeping noises when you back up.
5. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
6. Yell out random numbers while someone is counting.
7. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?”….”What?…”Never mind, it’s gone now.”
8. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
10.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

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While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, “No, I also work … out of our home.”

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. “He was born at home,” I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, “Wow, you don’t get out much, do you?”

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pic of the day: Agastache Blooms

pic of agastache

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

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Places I’d Rather Not Live
– Paradox, New York
– Crapo, Maryland
– Boogertown, North Carolina
– Spasticville, Kansas
– Hellhole, Idaho
– Purgatory, Maine
– Girdletree, Maryland
– Rabbithash, Kentucky

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A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

“My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.

“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn using the teeth.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I think–therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“Before you condemn someone else for a wrongful act, check your behavior and see if you too, have committed an act similar or even worse than the act that person has done. Then you won’t be in a position to judge.” ― Ellen J. Barrier

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