Jokes and Trivia for August 22, 2013

“Everybody is worth your time.You never know. You may have been the last hope that person needed to renew their faith in people or God.” ― Shannon L. Alder

TODAY – AUGUST 22nd – THURSDAY

234th day of 2013 with 131 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Pecan Torte Day

*Eat a Peach Day

*Be an Angel Day

*National Tooth Fairy Day (and/or Feb. 28)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1647 Denis Papin, Chitenay, physicist and inventor , best known for his pioneering invention of the steam digester, the forerunner of the steam engine and of the pressure cooker
  • 1811 William Kelly, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, inventor (converting iron to steel, Kelly & Company)
  • 1834 Samuel Pierpont Langley, Roxbury, Maine, astronomer, physicist, inventor (bolometer), aviation pioneer
  • 1836 Archibald M Willard, Bedford, Ohio, artist (Spirit of ’76)
  • 1860 Paul Gottlieb Nipkow, Poland, German inventor, the “spiritual father” of the core element of first generation television technology(Nipkow disk)
  • 1867 Maximilian Bircher-Benner, Swiss physician and nutritionist (invented muesli cereal)
  • 1920 Dr Denton Cooley, Houston, Texas, heart surgeon (1st artificial heart transplant)
  • 1920 Ray Bradbury, Waukegan, Illinois, sci-fi author (Fahrenheit 451, Illustrated Man)
  • 1934 Norman Schwarzkopf, Trenton, New Jersey, US General (Liberated Kuwait from Iraq)
    1935 E. Annie Proulx, Norwich, Connecticut, author (Brokeback Mountain)
  • 1940 Valerie Harper, Suffern NY, actress (Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda, Valerie)
  • 1947 Cindy Williams, Van Nuys, California, actress (American Graffiti, Shirley in Laverne & Shirley )
  • 1947 Donna Godchaux, Florence, Alabama, singer (Grateful Dead)
  • 1965 Courtney Gains, Los Angeles, California, actor (Children of the Corn, Hardbodies, Lust in the Dust, Back to the Future, Can’t Buy Me Love, Colors, The ‘Burbs, Memphis Belle )
  • 1967 Ty Burrell, Grants Pass, Oregon, actor (Modern Family )
  • 1972 Paul Doucette, North Huntington, Pennsylvania, drummer (Matchbox 20)
  • 1973 Howie Dorough, Orlando, Florida, singer (Backstreet Boys)
  • 1978 Jeff Stinco, Montréal, Québec, Canada, musician (Simple Plan)
  • 1979 Brandon Quintin Adams, Topeka, Kansas, actor (Mighty Ducks, The Sandlot )

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“We’re all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?” ― The Doctor

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 565 St. Columba reported seeing monster in Loch Ness (first known written account of monster).
  • 1654 Jacob Barsimson arrives in New Amsterdam. He is the first known Jewish immigrant to America.
  • 1831 Nat Turner’s slave rebellion commences just after midnight in Southampton, Virginia, leading to the deaths of more than 50 whites and several hundred African Americans who are killed in retaliation for the uprising.
  • 1848 The United States annexes New Mexico.
  • 1851 The first America’s Cup is won by the yacht America.
  • 1864 12 nations sign the First Geneva Convention. The Red Cross is formed.
  • 1865 First patent for liquid soap issued to William Sheppard of New York City.
  • 1902 Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first President of the United States to ride in an automobile.
  • 1911 Mona Lisa is stolen.
  • 1926 Gold is discovered in Johannesburg, South Africa.
  • 1932 The BBC first experiments with television broadcasting.
  • 1950 Althea Gibson becomes the first black competitor in international tennis.
  • 1963 American Joe Walker in an X-15 test plane reaches an altitude of 106 km (66 mi).
  • 1985 Manchester Air Disaster sees 55 people killed when a fire breaks out on a commercial aircraft at Manchester Airport.
  • 1989 The first ring of Neptune is discovered.
  • 1996 Bill Clinton signs welfare reform into law, representing major shift in US welfare policy.
  • 2003 Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore was suspended after refusing to comply with a federal court order to remove a rock inscribed with the Ten Commandments from the lobby of the Alabama Supreme Court building.
  • 2004 A version of The Scream and Madonna, two paintings by Edvard Munch, are stolen at gunpoint from a museum in Oslo, Norway.

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So the guy goes in to his barber. He’s all excited, and says, “I’m going to go to Rome. I’m flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I’m going to see the Pope!”

The barber says, “Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you’ll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people.”

So the guy goes to Rome. When he comes back and the barber says, “How was it?”

“Great,” he says. “Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope!”

“You met the Pope?” asked the barber.

“I bent down to kiss the Pope’s ring.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said, ‘Where did you get that crummy haircut?'”

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This old rancher in Montana hates wearing a seat belt, but one day he’s driving on the highway with his wife and sees a state patrol car behind him.

He says to his wife, “Quick, take the wheel! I gotta put my seat belt on!”

So she does, and right then the patrolman pulls them over. He walks up to the car and says, “Say, I noticed you weren’t wearing your seat belt.”

The rancher says, “I was too, but you don’t have to take my word for it– my wife here is a good Christian woman, ask her; she’ll tell you the truth. She doesn’t lie about anything.”

The cop says to the wife, “So? How about it, ma’am?”

And the wife says: “I’ve been married to Buck for twenty years, officer, and one thing I’ve learned in all that time is this – you never argue with him when he’s drunk.”

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ONE-LINERS: It Doesn’t Surprise Me That There is a…

– Rudeville, New Jersey
– Boring, Oregon
– Hell, Michigan
– Hooker, California
– Virgin, Utah
– Dulls Corner, Maryland
– Bowlegs, Oklahoma
– Volcano, Hawaii
– Beersville, Pennsylvania
– Fleatown, Ohio
– Burnt Corn, Alabama
– Two Guns, Arizona
– Toad Suck, Arkansas

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Sam and George owned a store in the outskirts of San Francisco. It had been burglarized several times in the past year and Sam decided to buy a guard dog.

Shopping for one, Sam found himself in Chinatown, at a pet store whose sign boasted, The Best Guard Dogs That Money Will Buy. He entered the store, but much to his disappointment, all the dogs he could see were Pekingese.

“Excuse me”, Sam said to the manager, “But the sign outside says you sell guard dogs. Where are they?”

The manager, an elderly Chinese, replied, “Oh, but these are highly trained guard dogs. They all know karate.”

“Karate! No way.”

“I’ll show you”, said the shop owner. He took one of the Pekingese out to the backyard and put it in front of a brick. The dog stood absolutely still. The shopkeeper gave a command, “Karate! Brick!”

And with complete astonishment, Sam saw the little dog perform a perfect karate chop, splitting the brick in half. Totally amazed, he bought the dog. Back at his own store, he showed the guard dog Pekingese to George, who thought he was completely mad and told him to return the Pekingese immediately.

“But, he is a trained guard dog.”

“Yeah, sure!”

Sam put the Pekingese on the floor and said, “He knows karate!!”

With a sneer George retorted, “Karate! My Foot!”

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pic of the day: Abraham and Three Visiting Angels Painting

Abraham-And-The-Three-Angels

By Ludovico Carracci (1555–1619)

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
On the banks of a river sat three indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense indian woman, who weighed 300 pounds herself.

A native american mathemetician saw this and noted that the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

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His mother was now living in Miami Beach and the young man didn’t see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that Mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

“Ma, what do you think of the bird?”

“The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer.”

“You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!”

“Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn’t it say something when I put it in the oven?”

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At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word “service.”

“It’s the act of doing things for other people.” Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word “service.” This is not what I thought “service” meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to “service” a few of his cows. Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those “service” agencies are all about.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man’s milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: When I die, I want to go peacefully, like Gramps did. In his sleep. Not yelling and screaming, like the people in his car.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“Sometimes you only get one chance to rewrite the qualities of the character you played in a person’s life story. Always take it. Never let the world read the wrong version of you.” ― Shannon L. Alder

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