Jokes and Trivia for August 5, 2013

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain

TODAY – AUGUST 5th – MONDAY

217th day of 2013 with 148 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Oyster Day

*Work Like a Dog Day

*Civic Holiday in Canada

*National Simplify your Life Week

*Peach Month

*Romance Awareness Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1802 Niels Henrik Abel, Nedstrand, Norway, mathematician (proved the impossibility of solving the quintic equation in radicals)
  • 1862 Joseph Merrick, Leicester, England,  sideshow performer called the “Elephant Man” due to his deformities
  • 1866 Carl Harries, Luckenwalde, Germany, chemist (established experimental procedures for ozonolysis)
  • 1904 Kenneth V. Thimann, English-American plant physiologist (plant physiology; hormones that control the development of plants)
  • 1906 John Huston, Nevada, Missouri, director/writer (African Queen, Chinatown)
  • 1930 Neil Armstrong, Wapakoneta, Ohio, astronaut (first man to walk on the moon (20 Jul 1969, Apollo 11))
  • 1934 Wendell Berry, Henry Coounty, Kentucky, poet, writer and farmer
  • 1945 Loni Anderson, St. Paul, Minnesota, actress (Jennifer-WKRP in Cincinnati)
  • 1956 Maureen McCormick, Encinco, California, actress (Marcia-Brady Bunch, Outsider’s Inn)
  • 1960 David Baldacci, Richmond, Virginia, author (Stone Cold, Divine Justice, Zero Day, The Innocent, The Hit, Absolute Power, The Winner, Saving Faith)
  • 1975 Ami Foster, American actress (Punky Brewster, Cirucs of the Stars, Pound Puppies)
  • 1980 Sophie Winkleman, English actress (The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Shattered, Love Live Long, Two and a Half Men, Titanic TV series)
  • 1981 Cory Williams, Merced, California, internet celebrity (YouTube Mr. Safety of SMP Films / Mean Kitty Song)
  • 1982 Pete Sell, West Islip, New York, mixed martial artist (member of the Serra-Longo Fight Team)

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“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1858 Cyrus W Field completes 1st transatlantic telegraph cable.
  • 1861 US levies its 1st Income Tax (3% of incomes over $800).
  • 1864 Spectrum of a comet observed for 1st time, by Giovanni Donati.
  • 1864 Battle of Mobile Bay, Alabama; Admiral David Farragut orders “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”
  • 1884 Cornerstone for Statue of Liberty laid on Bedloe’s Island (NYC).
  • 1914 In Cleveland, Ohio, the first electric traffic light is installed.
  • 1925 Plaid Cymru is formed with the aim of disseminating knowledge of the Welsh language that was at the time in danger of dying out.
  • 1949 In Ecuador an earthquake destroys 50 towns and kills more than 6000.
  • 1957 American Bandstand, a show dedicated to the teenage “baby-boomers” by playing the songs and showing popular dances of the time, debuts on the ABC television network.
  • 1960 Burkina Faso, then known as Upper Volta, becomes independent from France.
  • 1962 1st quasar located by radio.
  • 1962 Nelson Mandela is jailed. He would not be released until 1990.
  • 1963 The United States, United Kingdom, and Soviet Union sign a nuclear test ban treaty.
  • 1964 Vietnam War: Operation Pierce Arrow – American aircraft from carriers USS Ticonderoga and USS Constellation bomb North Vietnam in retaliation for strikes attacked U.S. destroyers in the Gulf of Tonkin.
  • 1969 Mariner program: Mariner 7 makes its closest fly-by of Mars (3,524 kilometers).
  • 1995 The city of Knin, a significant Serb stronghold, is captured by Croatian forces during Operation Storm. The date is celebrated as the Victory Day (Croatia).
  • 2003 A car bomb explodes in the Indonesian capital of Jakarta outside the Marriott Hotel killing 12 and injuring 150.

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“Johnny,” said the teacher, “if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?”

“A little over three tons, ma’am,” said Johnny.

“Why, Johnny, that isn’t right,” said the teacher.

“No, ma’am, I know it isn’t,” said Johnny, “but they all do it.”

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There will be no nursing home in my future……..

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

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ONE-LINERS: Signs You’ve had too much of the 21st Century

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they’re ready to go to lunch.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven’t spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.

11. You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”

12. You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”

13. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

14. You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

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A couple was going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, “Sorry I took so long,” he says. “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

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pic of the day: Eastern Tiger Swallowtail

picture of Tiger Swallowtail butterfly

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

This guy wanted to get into a night club with a few friends. Unfortunately the dress code stated that without a tie he couldn’t get in.

His friends didn’t have a spare necktie between them but one of them said, ‘Hey,I’ve got an idea. I have a set of jumper cables in the back of my car. Tie them round your neck, tuck in the ends and you should pass by the doormen.

On re-entering the club, one bouncer was suspicious of his neckwear. On inspection, he relented as long as the guy behaved … and didn’t start anything!

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My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.

While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide. My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute. The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced,” LOOK , MOM, A GIANT BOY SCOUT.”

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A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, “This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all the gosh-darned day!”

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the red neck asks, “What’s that noise?

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Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” – Bill Cosby

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