Jokes and Trivia for August 6, 2013

“The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.” – John Green

TODAY – AUGUST 6 – TUESDAY

218th day of 2013 with 147 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Wiggle Your Toes Day

*National Root Beer Float Day

*Water Quality Month

*National Picnic Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1766 William Hyde Wollaston, East Dereham, Norfolk, chemist (famous for discovering two chemical elements and for developing a way to process platinum ore)
  • 1809 Alfred Tennyson, English poet (The Charge of the Light Brigade, Crossing the Bar)
  • 1861 Edith Roosevelt, Norwich, Connecticut, First Lady of the United States (1901-1909)
  • 1866 Matthew Henson, Nanjemoy, Maryland, Arctic explorer (possibly 1st person to reach geographic North Pole)
  • 1881 Sir Alexander Fleming, Lochfield, Ayrshire, scientist (Nobel / discovered penicillin)
  • 1911 Lucille Ball, Jamestown, New York, actress & comedienne (I Love Lucy)
  • 1917 Barbara Cooney, Brooklyn, New York, children’s book author and illustrator (Chanticleer and the Fox, Ox-Cart Man, Miss Rumphius, Basket Moon)
  • 1917 Robert Mitchum, Bridgeport, Connecticut, actor (Cape Fear, Scrooged, War and Remembrance, The winds of War, The Big Sleep)
  • 1925 Barbara Bates, Denver, Colorado, actress (Cheaper by the Dozen, All About Eve, The Caddy, Rhapsody, Apache Territory)
  • 1926 Elisabeth Beresford, British author (creator of The Wombles)
  • 1928 Andy Warhol, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, artist (pop art)
  • 1934 Piers Anthony, English writer (Series: Aton/Worlds of Chthon, Battle Circle, Xanth, Apprentice Adept, Geodyssey)
  • 1938 Peter Bonerz, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, actor (The Bob Newhart Show )
  • 1943 Jon Postel, computer scientist (Editor of the Request for Comment (RFC) document series, administered Internet Assigned Numbers Authority (IANA) until his death)
  • 1951 Catherine Hicks, New York, New York, actress (Dr. Gillian Taylor / Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home; Child’s Play, Ryan’s Hope, Marilyn: The Untold Story)
  • 1952 Vinnie Vincent, Bridgeport, Connecticut, musician (Kiss)
  • 1956 Stepfanie Kramer, Los Angeles, California, actress (Hunter )
  • 1972 Paolo Bacigalupi, Paonia, Colorado, author (The Windup Girl, Ship Breaker, The Alchemist, The Drowned Cities)
  • 1972 Geri Halliwell, Watford, Hertfordshire, England, singer (Spice Girls)
  • 1973 Vera Farmiga, Passaic County, New Jersey, actress (UC: Undercover )
  • 1974 Ever Carradine, Los Angeles, California, actress (Dead & Breakfast, Lucky 13, Once and Again, Commander in Chief, Eureka)
  • 1976 Soleil Moon Frye, Glendora, California, actress  (Punky Brewster; Sabrina, the Teenage Witch )
  • 1982 Adrianne Curry, Joliet, Illinois, model, actress, and producer (1st winner of America’s Next Top Model, Half & Half, Hot Properties, Fallen Angels, Jack Rio)
  • 1990 JonBenét Ramsey, Atlanta, Georgia, child model (murder victim)

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“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” – Audrey Hepburn

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1787 Sixty proof sheets of the Constitution of the United States are delivered to the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia.
  • 1819 The first private military school in the U.S., Norwich University, is founded in Vermont.
  • 1890 The first person to be executed by using an electric chair was murderer William Kemmler at Auburn Prison in New York.
  • 1901 The contiguous reservation of Kiowa land in Oklahoma is effectively dissolved as it is opened for white settlement.
  • 1926 In New York City, the Warner Brothers’ Vitaphone system premieres with the movie Don Juan starring John Barrymore.
  • 1942 Queen Wilhelmina of the Netherlands becomes the first reigning queen to address a joint session of the United States Congress.
  • 1945 World War II: Hiroshima is devastated when the atomic bomb “Little Boy” is dropped by the United States B-29 Enola Gay. Around 70,000 people are killed instantly, and some tens of thousands die in subsequent years from burns and radiation poisoning.
  • 1965 US President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Voting Rights Act of 1965 into law.
  • 1965 The largest swimming pool in Europe was opened in Fürstenfeld, Austria.
  • 1993 Heavy rains and debris kill 72 in the Kagoshima and Aira areas of Kyūshū, Japan.
  • 1996 NASA announces that the ALH 84001 meteorite, thought to originate from Mars, contains evidence of primitive life-forms.
  • 2012 NASA’s Curiosity rover lands on Mars.

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A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”

He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”

The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”

To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

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ONE-LINERS: Signs You’ve had too much of the 21st Century, Part II

15. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your College roommate used to play.

16. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

17. You checked your blow-dryer to see if it was Y2K compliant.

18. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

19. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

20. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

21. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

22. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

23. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

24. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

25. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

26. You’re reading this.

27. Even worse; you’re going to forward it to someone else.

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A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery.

“You’ll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away.”

The desk sergeant said, “Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?”

“What’s the difference?” asked the jeweller.

“Well,” said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears.”

“Come to think of it, I couldn’t see his ears,” said the jeweller. “He had a stocking over his head.”

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pic of the day: 5 Squirrels

picture of 5 squirrels

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WARNING! CHICKEN PUN ZONE!

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!

Q: How long do chickens work?
A: Around the cluck!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To cockadoodle dooo something!

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In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!”

The wife responded calmly, “Allow me to explain…the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

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My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits…and their bulging stomachs.

Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, “I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.”

She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, “You’re the only one who has to.”

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My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, “Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” – Thomas Stephen Szasz

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – Bible: New International Version

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