Jokes and Trivia for August 7, 2013

“You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.” – Nicholas Sparks, The Rescue

TODAY – AUGUST 7th – WEDNESDAY

219th day of 2013 with 146 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Raspberries ‘n Cream Day (Fresh Fruit or Raspberry Ice Cream)

*National Lighthouse Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1868 Ladislaus Bortkiewicz, Russian mathematician (known for Poisson distribution, Transformation problem)
  • 1876 Mata Hari, Dutch exotic dancer, convicted as spy for Germany during WWI
  • 1903 Louis Leakey, British archaeologist & author (major role in creating organizations for future research in Africa)
  • 1925 M. S. Swaminathan, Kumbakonam, Tamil Nadu, Indian scientist (Father of the Green Revolution in India)
  • 1928 Betsy Byars, Charlotte, North Carolina, author (Summer of the Swans, The Night Swimmers, Wanted… Mud Blossom)
  • 1933 Jerry Pournelle, Shreveport, Louisiana, author (Exiles to Glory, Starswarm / with Larry Niven: The Mote in God’s Eye, Lucifer’s Hammer)
  • 1939 Anjanette Comer, Dawson, Texas, actress (The Loved One, The Appaloosa, Banning)
  • 1942 B.J. Thomas, Hugo, Oklahoma, singer (Hooked on a Feeling, Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head, Rock and Roll Lullaby)
  • 1942 Garrison Keillor, Anoka, Minnesota, author and radio host (A Prairie Home Companion)
  • 1955 Wayne Knight, NYC, New York, actor (Seinfeld, 3rd Rock from the Sun, Jurassic Park, Space Jam, Tarzan, Rat Race)
  • 1960 David Duchovny, NYC, New York, actor (Fox Mulder on The X-Files, Californication)
  • 1963 Harold Perrineau, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Lost, The Matrix, The Unusuals, Sons of Anarchy, Oz, The Edge)
  • 1966 Jimmy Wales, Huntsville, Alabama, internet entrepreneur (co-founder & promoter of Wikipedia)
  • 1971 Rachel York, Orlando, Florida, actress and singer (City of Angels, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Les Misérables)
  • 1978 Cirroc Lofton, Los Angeles, California, actor (Jake Sisko on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine; The Hoop Life)
  • 1979 Eric Johnson, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, American actor (Smallville )

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“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.” – Albert Einstein

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1679 The brigantine Le Griffon, commissioned by René Robert Cavelier, Sieur de La Salle, is towed to the south-eastern end of the Niagara River, to become the first ship to sail the upper Great Lakes of North America.
  • 1782 George Washington orders the creation of the Badge of Military Merit to honor soldiers wounded in battle. It is later renamed to the more poetic Purple Heart.
  • 1789 The United States War Department is established.
  • 1791 United States troops destroy the Miami town of Kenapacomaqua near the site of present-day Logansport, Indiana in the Northwest Indian War.
  • 1794 U.S. President George Washington invokes the Militia Law of 1792 to suppress the Whiskey Rebellion in western Pennsylvania.
  • 1909 Alice Huyler Ramsey and three friends become the first women to complete a transcontinental auto trip, taking 59 days to travel from New York City to San Francisco.
  • 1927 The Peace Bridge opens between Fort Erie, Ontario and Buffalo, New York.
  • 1947 Thor Heyerdahl’s balsa wood raft the Kon-Tiki, smashes into the reef at Raroia in the Tuamotu Islands after a 101-day, 7,000 kilometres (4,300 mi) journey across the Pacific Ocean in an attempt to prove that pre-historic peoples could have traveled from South America.
  • 1959 The Lincoln Memorial design on the U.S. penny goes into circulation. It replaces the “sheaves of wheat” design, and was minted until 2008.
  • 1967 Vietnam War: the People’s Republic of China agrees to give North Vietnam an undisclosed amount of aid in the form of a grant.
  • 1970 California judge Harold Haley is taken hostage in his courtroom and killed during in an effort to free George Jackson from police custody.
  • 1976 Viking program: Viking 2 enters orbit around Mars.
  • 1978 U.S. President Jimmy Carter declares a federal emergency at Love Canal due to toxic waste that had been negligently disposed of.
  • 1979 Several tornadoes struck the city of Woodstock, Ontario, Canada and the surrounding communities.
  • 1981 The Washington Star ceases all operations after 128 years of publication.
  • 1985 Takao Doi, Mamoru Mohri and Chiaki Mukai are chosen to be Japan’s first astronauts.
  • 1989 U.S. Congressman Mickey Leland (D-TX) and 15 others die in a plane crash in Ethiopia.
  • 1998 The United States embassy bombings in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania and Nairobi, Kenya kill approximately 212 people.

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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

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An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

“My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?”

“Yes,” said the Navy brat.

“My dad has built them.”

Then the naval kid spoke: “And do you know the Dead Sea?”

“Yes.”

“It’s my dad who’s killed it!”

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ONE-LINERS: Top Reasons for Joining the Church Choir. . .

– You’re running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.

– The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.

– You’ve just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.

– The collection plate is never passed to the choir.

– There’s a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.

– For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.

– You’ve been known to nod off during the service and don’t want the minister/priest to catch you.

– The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.

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I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.

I said “Hi Jack.”

He shot me.

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Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.
One turns to the other and says, “Boy, you’ll never get ME up in one of those things.”

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pic of the day: Two Turkey Toms & 1 Chicken Rooster

picture of turkeys and rooster

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, “Are you all right?”

“No, I lost an electron.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m positive.”

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Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She’d bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2 minutes.

I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, “Why have bumpers if you’re not going to use them once in a while?”

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More One Liners: Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work

1. You’ve read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3. You’ve definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

4. You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5. People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

6. The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

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Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.

Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.

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On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, “There’s plenty of time left!”

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QUIP OF THE DAY:“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” – Mahatma Gandhi

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