Jokes and Trivia for July 17, 2013

Preserve your conscience always soft and sensitive. If but one sin force its way into that tender part of the soul and dwell there, the road is paved for a thousand iniquities. – Isaac Watts

TODAY – JULY 17th – WEDNESDAY

198th day of 2013 with 167 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*International Justice Day

*National Peach Ice Cream Day

*Yellow Pig Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1674 Isaac Watts, English hymnwriter (Father of English Hymnody, 650 hymns including Joy to the World and When I Survey the Wondrous Cross)
  • 1839 Ephraim Shay, Huron County, Ohio,  inventor (designed the first Shay locomotive and patented the type)
  • 1889 Erle Stanley Gardner, Malden, Massachusetts, lawyer and author (Perry Mason series)
  • 1899 James Cagney, NYC, New York, actor (Penny Arcade, The Public Enemy, Angels with Dirty Faces, Yankee Doodle Dandy)
  • 1917 Phyllis Diller, Lima, Ohio, comedian and actress (Boy Did I Get a Wrong Number!, Eight on the Lam, The Private Navy of Sgt. O’Farrell)
  • 1920 Gordon Gould, New York City, New York, physicist (inventor of the laser)
  • 1921 Louis Lachenal, Annecy, Haute-Savoie, alpinist, one of the first two mountaineers to climb a summit of more than 8,000 meters.
  • 1935 Donald Sutherland, Candian actor (The Dirty Dozen, MASH, Klute, JFK, Commander in Chief, The Hunger Games)
  • 1952 David Hasselhoff,  Baltimore, Maryland, actor and musician (Knight Rider, Baywatch, 11th season Dancing w/the Stars)
  • 1954 Joseph Straczynski, Paterson, New Jersey, author & television producer (creator of Babylon 5, Cursade, Jeremiah, Changeling)
  • 1973 Tony Dovolani, Albanian-American ballroom dancer (Dancing with the Stars, Shall We Dance?)
  • 1976 Eric Winter, La Mirada, California,  ambassador for Operation Smile, actor (Days of Our Lives, Single with Parents)
  • 1978 Katharine Towne, Hollywood, California, actress (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
  • 1979 Mike Vogel, Abington Township, Pennsylvania, actor (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants )
  • 1986 Brando Eaton, Los Angeles, California,  actor (Dexter)
  • 1987 Jeremih Felton, Sherman, Texas, R&B singer
  • 2000 Maria Aragon, Winnipeg, Manitoba, singer (YouTube video of her performing Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”)

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When general observations are drawn from so many particulars as to become certain and indisputable, these are jewels of knowledge. – Isaac Watts

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1717 King George I of Great Britain sails down the River Thames with a barge of 50 musicians, where George Frideric Handel’s Water Music is premiered.
  • 1856 The Great Train Wreck of 1856 in Fort Washington, Pennsylvania, kills over 60 people.
  • 1867 Harvard School of Dental Medicine was established in Boston. It was the first dental school in the U.S.
  • 1938 Douglas Corrigan takes off from Brooklyn to fly the “wrong way” to Ireland and becomes known as “Wrong Way” Corrigan.
  • 1944 Port Chicago disaster: Near the San Francisco Bay, two ships laden with ammunition for the war explode in Port Chicago, California, killing 320.
  • 1955 Disneyland is dedicated and opened by Walt Disney in Anaheim, California.
  • 1975 Apollo-Soyuz Test Project: An American Apollo and a Soviet Soyuz spacecraft dock with each other in orbit marking the first such link-up between spacecraft from the two nations.
  • 1996 TWA Flight 800: Off the coast of Long Island, New York, a Paris-bound TWA Boeing 747 explodes, killing all 230 on board.
  • 1998 A diplomatic conference adopts the Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court, establishing a permanent international court to prosecute individuals for genocide, crime against humanity, war crimes, and the crime of aggression.
  • 2007 TAM Airlines (TAM Linhas Aéreas) Flight 3054 crashes upon landing during rain in São Paulo. This is Brazil’s deadliest aviation accident to date with an estimated 199 deaths.

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Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make “Flies on a Log” which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana’s mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

“Oh,” said Diana’s father. “I had that stuff for breakfast.”

Diana’s faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

“Gee,” said Diana’s teacher, “that’s a first — ‘My dad ate my homework.'”

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A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

“Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.

When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

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ONE-LINERS: Stupid Warnings

~ ‘Do not iron while wearing shirt’

~ Warning label on a letter opener that says:  ‘Caution: Safety goggles recommended.’

~ Fuel Tank Cap: ‘Never use a lit match or open flame to check the fuel level’

~ A cartridge for a laser printer warns, ‘Do not eat toner’

~ A label on a hair dryer reads: ‘Never use hair dryer while sleeping’

~ A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: ‘This product not intended for use as a dental drill.’

~ On a child’s stroller: ‘Remove Child Before Folding’

~ A label on a baby-stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: ‘Do not put child in bag.’

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Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time. Hugh?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Hugh sighed and said, “Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn’t turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office.”

“You’ll have to do better than that. Hugh,” replied the boss, disappointed. “No woman can be ready in ten minutes.”

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pic of the day: Black & White Cat

picture of black cat with white paws

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Hyperbole is a billion times worse than exaggerating.
~ I tried to contain myself once, but I escaped.
~ I used to carry two handkerchiefs; one for my glasses and one for my nose. I got them switched once and had a snotty outlook on life for the rest of the day.
~ I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
~ The batteries were given out free of charge.
~People came from miles around to witness the miracle. After seeing the beautiful waterfall, they turned to the little boy.
     “How,” they asked, “how did you know to toss the kosher pickle into the river?”
       The little boy smiled and answered, “I just thought of that old adage–you know, that dill waters run steep!”

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One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost?”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!”

But, God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt.”

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After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend’s new telephone number, I dialed him — and got a woman.

“Is Mike there?” I asked.

“He’s in the shower,” she responded.

“Please tell him his girlfriend called,” I said and hung up.

When he didn’t return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. “This is Mike,” he said.

“You’re not my boyfriend!” I exclaimed.

“I know,” he replied. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour.”

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A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he actually felt worse. “Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?” the Doc asked.

“No,” replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Yellow Pig Trivia!

If you’ve never heard of Yellow Pig Day, you’re probably wondering what in the world it is. 

Well, this strange holiday started back in the 1960s when two math students at Princeton were given the assignment to analyze the properties of the number 17.

After a while they went a little crazy thinking about the number 17, so they dreamed up the idea of a make-believe yellow pig.

To go with their assignment of learning about the number 17, this mythical yellow pig had seventeen toes, seventeen teeth, seventeen eyelashes, 17 everything!

The idea took hold, and today mathematicians in universities and colleges all over the country celebrate Yellow Pig Day by eating Yellow Pig Cake and singing Yellow Pig Carols .

These celebrations always take place on the 17th day of July.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If you strap a slice of buttered bread (butter side up) to the back of a cat and drop the cat from a ladder, what would happen?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Some persons believe everything that their kindred, their parents, and their tutors believe. The veneration and the love which they have for their ancestors incline them to swallow down all their opinions at once, without examining what truth or falsehood there is in them. Men take their principles by inheritance, and defend them as they would their estates, because they are born heirs to them. – Isaac Watts

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