Jokes and Trivia for July 26, 2103

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

TODAY – JULY 26th – FRIDAY

207th day of 2013 with 158 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*All or Nothing Day

*Aunt and Uncle Day

*Curacaco Day

*National Coffee Milkshake Day

*Bagelfest Day in Mattoon, Illinois 

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1796 George Catlin, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, author/painter of American Indian scenes
  • 1799 Isaac Babbitt, Taunton, Massachusetts, invented babbitt’s metal for bearings
  • 1856 George Bernard Shaw, Ireland, dramatist (Pygmalion-Nobel 1925)
  • 1875 Dr Carl Gustav Jung, Switzerland,  psychiatrist (founded analytic psychology)
  • 1894 Aldous Huxley, England, author (Brave New World)
  • 1895 Gracie Allen, San Franciso, California, Mrs. George Burns/comedienne (Burns & Allen)
  • 1909 Vivian Vance, Cherryvale, Kansas, actress (Ethel Mertz / I Love Lucy)
  • 1922 Jason Robards Jr, Chicago, Illinois, actor (A Thousand Clowns, Inherit the Wind, All the Presidents Men)
  • 1923 Jan Berenstain, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, author / illustrator (Berenstain Bears children’s books)
  • 1928 Stanley Kubrick, NYC, New York, director (2001, Dr Strangelove, Lolita)
  • 1943 Mick Jagger, English musician (The Rolling Stones)
  • 1956 Dorothy Hamill, CT, ice figure skater (Olympic-gold-1976)
  • 1957 Nana Visitor, NYC, New York, actress (Kira Nerys / Star Trek: DS9, Wildfire)
  • 1959 Kevin Spacey, South Orange, New Jersey, actor (LA Confidential, Lex Luthor/Superman Returns, Pay it Forward, The Usual Suspects)
  • 1964 Sandra Bullock, Arlington, Virginia, actress (Speed, The Net, Miss Congeniality, Forces of Nature, 28 Days, Crash)
  • 1965 Jeremy Piven, NYC, New York, actor (Black Hawk Down, Entourage, Smokin’ Aces, PCU, Old School, Heat, Runaway Jury, Cars, The Kingdom)

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“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” – William Shakespeare

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1775 Benjamin Franklin becomes 1st Postmaster General.
  • 1788 New York becomes 11th state to ratify constitution.
  • 1847 Liberia declares independence from American Colonization Society.
  • 1908 Federal Bureau of Investigation established (Office of the Chief Examiner at first).
  • 1947 President Harry S. Truman signs the National Security Act into United States law creating the Central Intelligence Agency, Department of Defense, Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the National Security Council.
  • 1948 U.S. President Harry S. Truman signs Executive Order 9981 desegregating the military of the United States.
  • 1951 Walt Disney’s 13th animated film, Alice in Wonderland, premieres in London, England, United Kingdom.
  • 1956 Egypt seizes Suez Canal
  • 1971 Apollo 15 launched to the Moon
  • 1989 A federal grand jury indicts Cornell University student Robert T. Morris, Jr. for releasing the Morris worm, thus becoming the first person to be prosecuted under the 1986 Computer Fraud and Abuse Act.
  • 1990  The Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 is signed into law by President George Bush.
  • 2005 Space Shuttle program: STS-114 Mission – Launch of Discovery, NASA’s first scheduled flight mission after the Columbia Disaster in 2003.

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

“Now listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you.”

“In that case,” said the boy, “I’ll kiss it on the forehead and let it go.”

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There is an old story about the data center of the future.

This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.

The man’s job is to feed the dog.

The dog’s job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

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ONE-LINERS: Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously

– Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

– A day without sunshine is like…night.

– On the other hand, you have different fingers.

– 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

– 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

– Remember, half the people you know are below average.

– He who laughs last thinks slowest.

– Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

– The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.  

– Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

– A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

– Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

– If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

– How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

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“I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your class,” said the father to his son.

“Don’t worry Dad,” he replied. “They still teach the same thing at both ends.”

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pic of the day: Bob-Tailed Squirrel

picture of squirrel with short tail

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again.

They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load until suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door.

The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door ‘You can’t leave that lyin’ ‘ere!’

The man replies, ‘Its not a lion its a giraffe!

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“I’m really too tired and unable to do my home work,” the son protested to his father.  

“Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least your age.”

“Yes, but I don’t want to run the risk of being the first!”

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Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.   “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”   Five small voices answered in unison:

“Okay, Dad, you get the toy.”

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A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.  

“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?”  

“Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.”

“OK,” said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand, “I’ll pick it up in about a week.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Bagels!

~A bagel, or beigel, is a ring-shaped form of bread. It is traditionally shaped by hand.

~Bagel dough is boiled in water for a short time, then baked, makin a product that is brown and crisp on the outside, and dense on the inside.

~The bagel is the only baked food that is boiled in water before it is baked.

~Bagels were brought to the United States by Polish-Jew immigrants, starting mainly in New York City.

~Lender’s Bagels Company was started by Harry Lender, who immigrated to the U.S. in 1927 from Lublin, Poland.

~Lender founded one of the first bagel bakeries outside of New York City in New Haven, Connecticut.

~Starting in 1955, Lender packaged six bagels in a plastic bag and sold them in supermarkets.

~Lenders started producing frozen bagels in 1962.

~There are no preservatives in Lender’s Frozen bagels.

~Lender’s Bagel plant is now located in Mattoon, Illinois.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.” –  Albert Einstein

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” –  Mother Teresa

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