Jokes and Trivia for June 14, 2013

Rest satisfied with doing well, and leave others to talk of you as they please. – Pythagoras

TODAY – JUNE 14th – FRIDAY

165th day of 2013 with 200 follow. 

Holidays for Today:

*Flag Day (US)

* Pop Goes the Weasel Day

* National Strawberry Shortcake Day

* World Blood Donor Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  •  1811 Harriet Beecher Stowe, Litchfield, Connecticut, author (Uncle Tom’s Cabin)
  •  1820 John Bartlett, Plymouth, Maine, editor (compiled Familiar Quotations)
  •  1864 Alois Alzheimer, Germany, psychiatrist/pathologist (Alzheimer Disease)
  •  1906 Margaret Bourke-White, Bronx, New York, photojournalist (1st Western photographer allowed in Soviet Union, 1st female photojournalist for Life magazine, 1st female war correspondent allow to work in combat zones)
  •  1909 Burl Ives, Hunt, Illinois, folk singer/actor (Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; voice of snowman on Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer classic)
  • 1916 Dorothy McGuire, Omaha, Nebraska, actress (A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, Gentleman’s Agreement, Old Yeller, Swiss Family Robinson)
  •   1921 Gene Barry, New York City, New York, actor (Bat Masterson, Name of the Game, Burke’s Law)
  •  1931 Marla Gibbs, Chicago, Illinoia, actress (Florence-Jeffersons, Mary-227)
  • 1946 Donald Trump, Queens, New York, The Apprentice/ master builder (Trump Towers/Plaza/Castle)
  • 1948 Laurence Yep, San Francisco, California, author (Dragon’s Gate, Dragonwings, The Chinatown Mysteries, Child of the Owl, The Rainbow People)
  • 1949 Harry Turtledove, Los Angeles, California, author (SciFi/Alternate History series: World War, Colonization, Southern Victory; Darkness, Hellenic Traders)
  • 1954 Will Patton, Charleston, South Carolina, actor (A Mighty Heart, Remember the Titans, No Way Out, Ballzaire the Cajun)
  • 1966 Traylor Howard, Orlando, Florida, actress (Monk, Two Guys & A Girl)
  • 1969 Steffi Graf, West Germany, tennis player (Grand Slam 1988)
  • 1982 Lang Lang, Chinese pianist (1999, at age 17, played Tchaikovsky’s Piano Concerto No. 1 with the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.  Played with many orchestras including Boston Symphony, Houston Symphony; in London, Berlin, Sweden Israel, Australia, etc.  Also a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador.)

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It still holds true that man is most uniquely human when he turns obstacles into opportunities. – Eric Hoffer

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1775 The United States Army was founded by the Continental Congress.
  • 1777 The Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the “Stars and Stripes” as the national flag of the United States.
  • 1834 Cyrus Hall McCormick received a patent for his reaping machine.
  • 1893 Philadelphia observed the first Flag Day
  • 1900 Hawaii became a U.S. territory.
  • 1922 Warren G. Harding became the first U.S. president to be heard on radio. The event was the dedication of the Francis Scott Key memorial at Fort McHenry.
  • 1937 Pennsylvania becomes the first (and only) state of the United States to celebrate Flag Day officially as a state holiday.
  • 1938 Action Comics issues the first Superman comic.
  • 1940 A group of 728 Polish political prisoners from Tarn�w become the first residents of the Auschwitz concentration camp.
  • 1951 “Univac I” was unveiled. It was a computer designed for the U.S. Census Bureau and billed as the world’s first commercial computer.
  • 1952 The Nautilus was dedicated. It was the first nuclear powered submarine.
  • 1967 Mariner 5 was launched from Cape Kennedy, FL. The space probe’s flight took it past Venus.
  • 2002 Twelve are killed and 50 injured by a car bomb explosion in front of the U.S. consulate in Karachi, Pakistan.

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A pastor was in the mountains for a well-needed getaway and decided to go for a hike. He was enjoying the scenery until he heard a loud rustling from some bushes behind him.  He turned around just in time to see a huge grizzly bear bounding out of the bush and running straight toward him.  He knew immediately that he was in trouble and started running and praying as fast as he could.  Inevitably, the bear caught up and knocked him down and just as he was about to go for the kill the pastor threw up one final, desperate prayer.

“Lord, please make this bear a Christian!”

All of a sudden the bear stopped and looked toward the sky. The pastor, lying there in fear, can’t believe that it worked!  His joy is confirmed when he sees the bear put his front paws together and start to pray.

“Dear God, please bless this food which I am about to eat. Amen!”

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During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn’t get home for Christmas.

So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: “Dear Dad, This is not much, but it’s all you could afford.”

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My husband David’s colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, “Get me out!”

“Don’t worry,” David replied, “Maintenance should be sending somebody.”

“They did,” said the voice.

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ONE-LINERS: Only in America. . .

 … can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

 … are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

 … do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 … do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

 … do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put, our useless junk in the garage.

 … do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we will not miss a call from someone we did not want to talk to in the first place.

 … do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

 … do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: “Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $65,000 a year, and it’s not enough.”

He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, “Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $49,000 a year, and it’s not enough.”

The minister of education continues with his chant, “Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $38,000 a year, and it’s not enough.”

The youth minister has her turn next: “Lord, I’ve just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $25,000 a year and it’s not enough.”

At last it’s time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: “Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and … ‘there’s no business like show business!'”

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pic of the day: Red Barn in the Country

red barn

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro – what a rip off !

Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !

Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.

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 Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to get married so he could share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million.”

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

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“One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.” – Jack Handy

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More One-Liners: Ten Common Full-Time Employee Ailments

1. The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.

2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

4. The I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

5. The My Boyfriend’s Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

7. The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

8. The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.

9. The I’ve Messed Up Royally and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

10. The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: U.S. Flag Trivia!

~ What we know fondly as the “Stars and Stripes” was adopted by the Continental Congress as the official American flag on June 14, 1777, in the midst of the Revolutionary War. Colonial troops fought under many different flags with various symbols and slogans—rattlesnakes, pine trees, eagles, “Don’t Tread on Me,” “Liberty or Death,” and “Conquer or Die,” to name a few.

~ The first flag had 13 stars on a blue field and 13 alternating red and white stripes for the 13 original colonies. Now there are 50 stars, one for each state in the Union, but the 13 stripes remain.

~ Flag Day was first celebrated in 1877, on the flag’s 100th birthday.

~ When the flag is hung vertically on a wall, window or door the Union (blue) should be to the observer’s left. When the flag is hung either horizontally or vertically against a wall, the Union (blue field) should be to the observer’s left.

~ When displayed from a staff in a church or auditorium, the flag should occupy the position of honor and be placed at the speaker’s right as he faces the audience.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. – Colin Powell

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