Jokes and Trivia for June 19, 2013

I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think. – Socrates

TODAY – JUNE 19th – WEDNESDAY

170th day of 2013 with 195 follow. 

Holidays for Today:

*World Sauntering Day

*Juneteenth

*World Sickle Cell Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1623 Blaise Pascal, Clermont-Ferrand, France,  mathematician and philosopher (study of fluids, clarified the concepts of pressure and vacuum by generalizing the work of Evangelista Torricelli)
  • 1795 James Braid, Scotland, physician and surgeon (pioneer of hypnotism and hypnotherapy)
  • 1834 Charles Spurgeon, preacher and author (called “Prince of Preachers”, special collection of Spurgeon’s handwritten sermon notes from 1879–1891 located at Samford University in Birmingham, Alabama)
  • 1877 Charles Coburn, Macon, Georgia, actor (The More the Merrier, The Devil and Miss Jones, The Green Years, Kings Row, Heaven Can Wait, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes)
  • 1897 Cyril Norman Hinshelwood, London,  chemist (Nobel /  mechanism of chemical reactions)
  • 1897 Moe Howard, Brooklyn, New York, actor (leader of The Three Stooges)
  • 1902 Guy Lombardo, Ontario, Canada, bandleader and violinist (The Royal Canadians)
  • 1903 Lou Gehrig, baseball first basemen for the New York Yankees (nicknamed ‘The Iron Horse’, sticken with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis at age 36 – now commonly called Lou Gehrig’s disease)
  • 1906 Sir Ernst Boris Chain, Berlin, German-born biochemist (Nobel / work on penicillin)
  • 1910 Paul Flory, Sterling, Illinois,  chemist (Nobel / work in the field of polymers, or macromolecules)
  • 1914 Lester Flatt, Overton County, Tennessee, bluegrass musician (Flatt and Scruggs duo)
  • 1915 Pat Buttram, Addson, Alabama, actor (sidekick of Gene Autrey, Mr. Haney on Green Acres)
  • 1922 Aage Bohr, Copenhagen, Danish physicist (Nobel / Geometry of atomic nuclei )
  • 1930 Gena Rowlands, Madison, Wisconsin, actress (A Woman Under the Influence, Gloria, An Early Frost, The Betty Ford Story, Hope Floats, The Notebook, The Skeleton Key)
  • 1948 Phylicia Rashad, Houston, Texas, actress (Clair Huxtable on The Cosby Show, A Raisin in the Sun)
  • 1954 Kathleen Turner, Springfield, Missouri, actress (Body Heat, Peggy Sue Got Married, Romancing the Stone, Serial Mom, Prizzi’s Honor, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, V.I. Warshawski)
  • 1956 Doug Stone, Newnan, Georgia,  singer (“I’d Be Better Off (In a Pine Box))
  • 1962 Paula Abdul, San Fernando, California, singer, actress (American Idol, Live to Dance, The X Factor)
  • 1972 Robin Tunney, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Prison Break, The Mentalist)
  • 1976 Ryan Hurst, Santa Monica, California,  actor (Remember the Titans)
  • 1978 Zoe Saldana, Passaic, New Jersey, actress (Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl)
  • 1984 Paul Dano, New York, NY, actor (Too Young to Be a DadLittle Miss Sunshine, There Will Be Blood , and Gigantic)

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I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. – Confucius

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1306 The Earl of Pembroke’s army defeats Bruce’s Scottish army at the Battle of Methven.
  • 1586 English colonists leave Roanoke Island, after failing to establish England’s first permanent settlement in North America.
  • 1770 Emanuel Swedenborg reports the completion of the Second Coming of Christ in his work True Christian Religion.
  • 1846 First officially recorded, organized baseball match is played under Alexander Cartwright’s rules on Hoboken, New Jersey’s Elysian Fields with the New York Base Ball Club defeating the Knickerbockers 23-1. Cartwright umpired.
  • 1850 Princess Louise of the Netherlands marries Crown Prince Karl of Sweden-Norway.
  • 1862 The U.S. Congress prohibits slavery in United States territories, nullifying Dred Scott v. Sandford.
  • 1865 Over two years after the Emancipation Proclamation, slaves in Galveston, Texas, finally informed of their freedom. The anniversary is still officially celebrated in Texas and 13 other contiguous states as Juneteenth.
  •  1910 The first Father’s Day is celebrated in Spokane, Washington.
  • 1913 Natives’ Land Act in South Africa implemented.
  • 1953 Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are executed at Sing Sing, in New York.
  • 1978 Garfield comic strip makes it debut, ends up, holder of the Guinness World Record for the world’s most widely syndicated comic strip.
  • 1990 The current international law defending indigenous peoples, Indigenous and Tribal Peoples Convention, 1989, is ratified for the first time by Norway.
  • 1991 The Soviet occupation of Hungary ends.
  • 1999 Wedding of Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex and Sophie Rhys-Jones.

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An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “yes”.

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

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Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about “the good old days,” when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?”

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?”

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?”

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey, where are you going?”

Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”

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ONE-LINERS: Things You Should Know By Now. . .

~ A balanced diet is a beer in each hand.

~ Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

~ Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

~ Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

~ There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

~ Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

~ By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

~ Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

~ Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

~ It’s not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

~ There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.

~ If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.

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Last week a little girl came home from school and approached her mother: “Mom, some of the kids at school today said that you were the Easter Bunny. Is that true?”

The mom kneeled down by her daughter and said, “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes” the girl replied.

The mother sighed, thinking of the end of the innocence of childhood, “Yes, dear, I am the Easter Bunny.”

The little girl looked at her in amazement, “How do you get to ALL of those houses???”

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pic of the day: Country Church

country-church

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o’clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

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Kids talk about astronomy:

~ When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.  When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star.  But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Kids talk about Meteorology:

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it you got hit, so never mind.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed.  But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

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If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. “Remember,” said the Lord, “you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. “Noah!” He shouted. “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord, please forgive me,” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational water craft’.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it’s a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years.”

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”

“No,” He said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government already has.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Juneteenth!

~Juneteenth is also known as Freedom Day or Emancipation Day.

~This holiday commemorates when the announcement of the abolition of slavery was made in Texas by General Gordon Granger in Galveston.

~The announcement was made on in 1856, and is now celebrated every June 19th.

~42 states observe this holiday.

 ~Juneteenth is the oldest nationally celebrated commemoration of the ending of slavery in the United States.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: For more peace and quiet, how about a phoneless cord?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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