Jokes and Trivia for June 25, 2012

It is true that I have had heartache and tragedy in my life. These are things none of us avoids. Suffering is the price of being alive. – Judy Collins

TODAY – JUNE 25th – MONDAY

177th day of 2012 with 189 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Strawberry Parfait Day

*Log Cabin Day

*National Catfish Day

*Virginia Statehood Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1864 Walther Nernst, Briesen, West Prussia/Pomerania,  chemist (Nobel / calculation of chemical affinity as embodied in the third law of thermodynamics)
  • 1903 George Orwell, British India, English author (Animal Farm, Nineteen Eighty-Four)
  • 1907 J. Hans D. Jensen, Hamburg,  physicist (Nobel / contributions to the separation of uranium isotopes)
  • 1911 William Howard Stein, New York City,  chemist, developed the first automated amino acid analyzer
  • 1925 June Lockhart, NYC, New York, actress (Lassie, Lost in Space, Petticoat Junction)
  • 1930 George Murdock, Salina, Kansas, actor (Barney Miller, Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier)
  • 1945 Carly Simon, NYC, New York, singer-songwriter (You’re So Vain, Nobody Does It Better, Coming Around Again)
  • 1947 Jimmie Walker, The Bronx, New York,  actor (Good Times )
  • 1954 David Paich, Los Angeles, California,  keyboardist, singer and songwriter (Toto)
  • 1963 John Benjamin Hickey, Plano, Texas, actor (The Normal Heart, Finding North, Infamous, It’s All Relative)
  • 1971 Angela Kinsey, Lafayette, Louisiana,  actress (The Office )
  • 1979 Busy Philipps, Oak Park, Illinois,  actress (Freaks and Geeks, Dawson’s Creek)
  • 2002 Mason Vale Cotton, San Diego, California,  actor (Desperate Housewives )

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The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You don’t blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the President. You realize that you control your own destiny. – Albert Ellis

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1788 Virginia becomes the 10th state to ratify the United States Constitution.
  • 1876 Battle of the Little Bighorn and the death of Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer.
  • 1906 Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania millionaire Harry Thaw shoots and kills prominent architect Stanford White.
  • 1910 The United States Congress passes the Mann Act, which prohibits interstate transport of females for “immoral purposes”; the ambiguous language would be used to selectively prosecute people for years to come.
  • 1913 American Civil War veterans begin arriving at the Great Reunion of 1913.
  • 1935 Diplomatic relations between the Soviet Union and Colombia are established.
  • 1947 The Diary of a Young Girl (better known as The Diary of Anne Frank) is published.
  • 1948 The Berlin airlift begins.
  • 1949 Long-Haired Hare, starring Bugs Bunny, is released in theaters.
  • 1978 The rainbow flag representing gay pride is flown for the first time in the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day Parade.
  • 1981 Microsoft is restructured to become an incorporated business in its home state of Washington.
  • 1982 Greece abolishes the head shaving of recruits in the military.
  • 1998 In Clinton v. City of New York, the United States Supreme Court decides that the Line Item Veto Act of 1996 is unconstitutional.
  • 2006 Gilad Shalit, an Israeli soldier, is kidnapped by Palestinian militants in a cross-border raid from the Israeli territory.

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A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren’t used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.

The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we’d be sure to hear him.

Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” my friend asked nervously.

“Honey,” a woman on the other side yelled, “you left your key in the door.”
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ONE-LINERS:

Many of us “Old Folks” (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We’re unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo’s and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least… my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded,” which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

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pic of the day: Cat walking through sunshine

Cat walking through grass in sunshine

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Midas!
Midas who?
Midas well open the door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey won’t fit in this lock!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Minerva!
Minerva who?
Minerva-s wreck from all these questions!

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Golden Oldie…. As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. “My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, well that’s the money I’ve made selling the doilies.”

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One morning, Arnie went to see his doctor and told him that he hadn’t been feeling at all well. The doctor examined Arnie, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
Looking at Arnie he says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “My word, Doc!  Exactly what is my problem?”

The doctor replied, “Arnie, you’re not drinking enough water.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: CATFISH

~Catfish are found nearly everywhere in the United States and in much of Mexico and Canada.

~Catfish live on the bottom of lakes, rivers and ponds – often in areas with hard sand bottoms, though flatheads are known to prefer muddier locales.

~Catfish are immediately recognizable by where they are found and their scaleless skin.

~The smallest are about 1 inch long and the largest, the European Wels (Silurus glanis), can exceed 15 feet in length and weigh over 650 pounds.

~June 25 was proclaimed as National Catfish Day by President Ronald Reagan in 1987.

~The record size for a blue catfish is 124 pounds, caught in Illinois.

~Belzoni, Mississippi is known as the Catfish Capital of the World.

~Paris, Tennessee is home to an event that claims to be the “world’s biggest fish fry.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A friendship is one soul living in two bodies.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

 

Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them. – Bill Kelly