Jokes and Trivia for June 25, 2013

“Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. ” ― George Orwell

TODAY – JUNE 25th – TUESDAY

176th day of 2013 with 189 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Strawberry Parfait Day

*Log Cabin Day

*National Catfish Day

*Virginia Statehood Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1864 Walther Nernst, Briesen, West Prussia/Pomerania,  chemist (Nobel / calculation of chemical affinity as embodied in the third law of thermodynamics)
  • 1903 George Orwell, British India, English author (Animal Farm, Nineteen Eighty-Four)
  • 1907 J. Hans D. Jensen, Hamburg,  physicist (Nobel / contributions to the separation of uranium isotopes)
  • 1911 William Howard Stein, New York City,  chemist, developed the first automated amino acid analyzer
  • 1923 Dorothy Gilman, New Brunswick, New Jersey, author (Mrs. Pollifax series)
  • 1925 June Lockhart, NYC, New York, actress (Lassie, Lost in Space, Petticoat Junction)
  • 1930 George Murdock, Salina, Kansas, actor (Barney Miller, Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier)
  • 1945 Carly Simon, NYC, New York, singer-songwriter (You’re So Vain, Nobody Does It Better, Coming Around Again)
  • 1947 Jimmie Walker, The Bronx, New York,  actor (Good Times )
  • 1954 Sonia Sotomayor, New York City, NY, jurist (Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of U.S.; 111th justice, 1st Hispanic justice, 3rd female justice)
  • 1956 Anthony Bourdain, New York City, NY, chef and author (Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly)
  • 1963 John Benjamin Hickey, Plano, Texas, actor (The Normal Heart, Finding North, Infamous, It’s All Relative)
  • 1969 Matt Gallant, Syracuse, New York, television host (The Planet’s Funniest Animals, American Inventor, The List)
  • 1971 Angela Kinsey, Lafayette, Louisiana,  actress (The Office )
  • 1979 Busy Philipps, Oak Park, Illinois,  actress (Freaks and Geeks, Dawson’s Creek)
  • 2002 Mason Vale Cotton, San Diego, California,  actor (Desperate Housewives )

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“Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness.” ― George Orwell

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1788 Virginia becomes the 10th state to ratify the United States Constitution.
  • 1876 Battle of the Little Bighorn and the death of Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer.
  • 1906 Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania millionaire Harry Thaw shoots and kills prominent architect Stanford White.
  • 1910 The United States Congress passes the Mann Act, which prohibits interstate transport of females for “immoral purposes”; the ambiguous language would be used to selectively prosecute people for years to come.
  • 1913 American Civil War veterans begin arriving at the Great Reunion of 1913.
  • 1935 Diplomatic relations between the Soviet Union and Colombia are established.
  • 1947 The Diary of a Young Girl (better known as The Diary of Anne Frank) is published.
  • 1948 The Berlin airlift begins.
  • 1949 Long-Haired Hare, starring Bugs Bunny, is released in theaters.
  • 1978 The rainbow flag representing gay pride is flown for the first time in the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day Parade.
  • 1981 Microsoft is restructured to become an incorporated business in its home state of Washington.
  • 1982 Greece abolishes the head shaving of recruits in the military.
  • 1998 In Clinton v. City of New York, the United States Supreme Court decides that the Line Item Veto Act of 1996 is unconstitutional.
  • 2012 A ceremony is held to lift the final steel beam of 4 World Trade Center into place

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“You look terrible. What happened?”

“I was up nearly all night. My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became quite historical.”

“You mean hysterical.”

“No. Historical. She went over absolutely everything I’ve done wrong over the last twenty-five years.”

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Mother to sobbing six-year-old: “What’s the matter”?

“I’ve just figured out how to tie my shoes.”

“Well, honey, that’s wonderful. You’re growing up! But why are you crying?”

“Because now I’ll have to do it every day for the rest of my life.”

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ONE-LINERS: ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

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While I was driving along a remote country road I saw a sign that said, “Watch for Fallen Rocks”. A few miles down the road I spotted some small rocks. I picked a few up and put them in my car.

When I reached the next town, I found the highway maintenance office. I placed them on the counter and said to the clerk, “Here are your fallen rocks. Now where’s my watch?”

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In honor of National Catfish Day: Spotted Catfish

from US Fish and Wildlife Service

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Yesterday I got stung by a bee. The next day I had hives.

~ I’ve always felt that my body is a prison. Turns out I’m right: in biology I learned that I’m made of cells.

~ Q: What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
       A: Morse toad

~Q: What’s the difference among a king’s son, a monkey’s mother, a bald head, and an orphan?
       A: A king’s son is an heir apparent, a monkey’s mother is a hairy parent, a bald head has no hair apparent, and an orphan has nary a parent.

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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

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7 General Put Downs:
1) Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
3) I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
4) How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
5) Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?
6) She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them: Joan Rivers on Bo Derek.
7) Is it time for your medication or mine?

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A certain private school was faced with a unique problem: A number of junior high girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.   That was fine but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the janitor would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, the principal asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet water, and cleaned the mirror with it.
 
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Virginia!

~ Virginia is officially named the Commonwealth of Virginia.  It was named for England’s “Virgin Queen,” Elizabeth I.

~ It is nicknamed the “Old Dominion” and the “Mother of Presidents” after the eight U.S. presidents born there: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, William Harrison, John Tyler, Zachary Taylor, and Woodrow Wilson.

~The capital of the Commonwealth is Richmond; and Virginia Beach is the most populous city.

~The Virginia General Assembly is the oldest continuous law-making body in the New World.

~Jamestown 2007 marked Virginia’s quadricentennial year, celebrating 400 years since the establishment of the Jamestown Colony.

~Jamestown, the first of the original 13 Colonies was founded for the purpose of silk cultivation. Silk to be traded with the Court of King James. After blight fungus destroyed the mulberry trees (silkworm food), sericulturist planted tobacco as a cash crop.

~Virginia is divided into 95 counties and 39 independent cities, which both operate the same way since independent cities are considered to be county-equivalent.

~The first peanuts grown in the United States were grown in Virginia.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Half of Americans can’t do math, and the other two-thirds don’t care.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“. . . to every life there eventually came a moment when one had to accept the fact that the shape, the pattern, the direction of the future was entirely out of one’s hands, to be decided unalterably by chance, by fate or by God. There was nothing to do but accept, and from this to proceed, doing the very best that could be done.” – Dorothy Gilman

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