Jokes and Trivia for June 28, 2013

“Though we cannot think alike, may we not love alike? May we not be of one heart, though we are not of one opinion? Without all doubt, we may. Herein all the children of God may unite, notwithstanding these smaller differences.” –  John Wesley

TODAY – JUNE 28th – FRIDAY

179th day of 2013 with 186 follow. 

Holidays for Today:

*Paul Bunyan Day

*Insurance Awareness Day

*National Ceviche Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1577 Peter Paul Rubens, Flemish painter (Baroque style painting)
  • 1703 John Wesley, English founder of Methodism
  • 1873 Alexis Carrel, French surgeon and biologist (Nobel / Perfusion pump)
  • 1902 Richard Rodgers, NYC, New York, composer (Rodgers & Hammerstein)
  • 1906 Maria Goeppert Mayer, German/American, atomic physicist (Nobel 1963 / nuclear shell model)
  • 1926 Mel Brooks, Brooklyn, New York, comedian/actor/director (Blazing Saddles, Spaceballs, Robin Hood)
  • 1927 Frank Sherwood Rowland, Delaware, Ohio, chemist (Nobel / discovered chlorofluorocarbons contribute to ozone depletion)
  • 1931 Junior Johnson, Wilkes County, North Carolina, NASCAR (one of 50 greatest drivers, credited with discovery of drafting)
  • 1932 Pat Morita, Isletown, California, actor (M*A*S*H, Karate Kid)
  • 1941 Joseph Goguen, American computer scientist (OBJ family of programming languages. Standard implication in product fuzzy logic often called “Goguen implication”)
  • 1946 Gilda Radner, Detroit, Michigan, comedienne (SNL-Baba Wawa)
  • 1948 Kathy Bates, Memphis, Tennessee, actress (Misery, Fried Green Tomatoes, Dolores Claiborne)
  • 1954 Alice Krige, South Africa, actress (The Borg Queen, ST: FC, ST: VOY)
  • 1960 John Elway, Port Angeles, Washington, NFL Quarterback (Denver Broncos)
  • 1966 John Cusack, Evanston, Illinois, actor (Stand By Me, Sure Thing, Better Off Dead, Con Air)
  • 1966 Mary Stuart Masterson, NYC, New York, actress (Some Kind of Wonderful, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit as Dr. Rebecca Hendrix)
  • 1970 Steve Burton, Indianapolis, Indiana, actor (General Hospital, voice Cloud Strife/Final Fantasy & Kindom Hearts)
  • 1979 Felicia Day, Huntsville, Alabama, actress, writer, director, violinist, and singer (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bring It On Again, June)
  • 1988 Lacey Schwimmer, Redlands, California, competitive ballroom dancer (4th place finalist of 3rd season of “So You Think You Can Dance”; on Dancing with the Stars – 7/ partnered with Lance Bass, 8/ Steve-O, 9/ Mark Dacascos, 11/ Kyle Massey, 12/ Mike Catherwood)

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I’ve experienced the highest of highs and lowest of lows. I think to really appreciate anything you have to be at both ends of the spectrum. – John Elway

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1846 Adolphe Sax was awarded a patent for the saxophone. He had invented the instrument in the mid 1840′s by combining the clarinet’s single reed and mouthpiece with a widened oboe’s conical bore.
  • 1859 First conformation dog show is held in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, England.
  • 1894 Labor Day established as a federal employees holiday.
  • 1919 The Treaty of Versailles is signed in Paris, formally ending World War I between Britain, France, Italy, the United States and allies on the one side and Germany and Austria Hungary on the other side.
  • 1958 The Mackinac Bridge, the world’s longest suspension bridge was dedicated. It joins the upper and lower peninsulas of the state of Michigan.
  • 1965 First commerical telephone conversation over a satellite took place over Early Bird I between America and Europe.
  • 1969 Stonewall riots in New York city mark the beginning of the modern gay rights era.
  • 1975 Golfer Lee Trevino is struck by lightning at Western Open.
  • 1990 Paperback Software International Ltd. is found liable by a U.S. court for copyright violation for copying the appearance and menu system of Lotus 1-2-3 in its competing spreadsheet program.
  • 1992  At the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center Dr. John Fung with colleagues Drs. Andreas Tzakis and Satoru Todo performed the world’s baboon liver transplant.
  • 1997 Boxer Mike Tyson is disqualified from WBA title re-match, for biting off part of the ear of his opponent Evander Holyfield.

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Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense.

“You can take your choice, private – one month’s restriction or twenty day’s pay,” said the officer.

“All right, sir,” said the bright soldier, “I’ll take the money.”

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Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you kin be so much bigger ‘n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” said the big ‘gator, What you been eatin’ boy?”

“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small ‘gator.

“Hmm. Well, where do y’all catch ’em?”

“Down ‘tother side of the swamp near the parkin’ lot by the capitol.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ’em?”

“Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ’em on the leg, shake the manure out of ’em, and eat ’em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the manure out of a Politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but the hind quarters and a briefcase.”

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ONE-LINERS: TRUTHS AND WISDOM ABOUT THE GAME OF FOOTBALL

~”I never graduated from Iowa. I was only there for two terms — Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.” (Alex Karras / Iowa)

~”My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” (Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee)

~”I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” (Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State)

~”Always remember: Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” (Shug Jordan / Auburn)

~”They cut us up like boarding house pie, and that’s real small pieces.” (Darrell Royal / Texas)

~”I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me. He said, ‘Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.'” (Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State)

~”Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” (Bobby Bowden / Florida State)

~”Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.” (Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State)

~”If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” (Murray Warmath / Minnesota)

~”The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” (Knute Rockne / Notre Dame)

~”Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke.” Spike Dykes / Texas Tech)

~”We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” (John McKay / USC)

~”I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” (Knute Rockne / Notre Dame)

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A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!”

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pic of the day: Hosta in bloom at night. . .

picture of hosta

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WARNING! PUNNY ENGLISH SHOP NAMES!

~ There’s a mobile snack caravan on Dartmoor named : ‘The Hound of the Basket Meals’.

~ There is a bakery in Sutton called ‘Agatha Crustie’.

~ In Turnham Green, Chiswick we find a dry cleaner called ‘Turn ’em Clean’.

~ ‘A Pane in the Glass’ is the name of a glazier’s in New York State, USA.

~ ”The Vinyl Frontier’; a shop which sells second hand records.

~Teddy bear shop in Penge called ‘Bearly Trading’.

~Fish and chip shop in Santa Ponsa, Mallorca named ‘Oh My Cod’.

~ A bakery in Albert Road, Southsea called ‘Upper Crustie’.

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When a physician remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.”

“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” I asked.

“Neither,” he replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.”

“Oh, come now,” I said. “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”

He sighed. “You oughta meet ’em sometime, Doc!”

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Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
     A: I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
     A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party?
     A: Moo

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One of the company’s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Mackinac Bridge!

~ The Mackinac Bridge is located in northern Michigan at the Straits of Mackinac. It connects Michigan’s upper and lower peninsulas. Mackinaw City is located at the south end of the bridge and St. Ignace is located at the north end.

~The five-mile bridge, including approaches, is the world’s longest suspension bridge between cable anchorages.  It was designed by the great engineer Dr. David B. Steinman.

~The height of the main towers is 552-feet above water.  There is a 155-foot underclearance at midspan for ships.

~The Mackinac Bridge has 42,000 miles of wire in the main cables, with 12,580 wires in each cable.

~The bridge was officially begun amid proper ceremonies on May 7 & 8, 1954, at St. Ignace and Mackinaw City.

~The bridge opened to traffic on November 1, 1957 according to schedule, despite the many hazards of marine construction over the turbulent Straits of Mackinac.

~The 100 millionth crossing of the bridge occured on June 25, 1998.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: “If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”
― John Wesley

 

 

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