Jokes and Trivia for June 3, 2013

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust. – Samuel Johnson

TODAY – JUNE 3rd – MONDAY

154th day of 2013 with 211 follow.

Holidays for Today:

* Repeat Day (Could you repeat that please?)

* Love Conquers All Day

* Confederate Memorial Day (Kentucky, Louisiana, and Tennessee)

* National Zoo and Aquarium Month

* National Fishing and Boating Week

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1808 Jefferson F Davis, Christian Co,. Kentucky, President of Confederate States of America (1861-5)
  • 1864 Ransom Eli Olds, Lansing, Michigan, auto (Oldsmobile) and truck (Reo) manufacturer
  • 1878 Barney Oldfield, Wauseon, Ohio, race car driver (1st to drive car 60mh)
  • 1879 Raymond Pearl, New England, biologist (one of the founders of biometry, the application of statistics to medicine and biology)
  • 1904 Charles Richard Drew, Washington D.C., pioneer of blood plasma research
  • 1924 Colleen Dewhurst, Canadian actress (The Crucible, Anne of Green Gables, Sword of Gideon)
  • 1925 Tony Curtis, [Bernard Schwartz], Bronx, New York, actor (Some Like It Hot, The Outsider)
  • 1929 Chuck Barris, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, TV game show producer/host (Gong Show)
  • 1930 Marion Zimmer Bradley, Albany, New York, sci-fi author (Mists of Avalon, Darkover series)
  • 1931 John Norman, Chicago, Illinois, author (Chronicles of Gor series)
  • 1936 Larry McMurtry, Wichita Falls, Texas, writer (Lonesome Dove, Pulitzer 1986)
  • 1937 Edward Winter, Ventura, California, actor (Colonel Flagg/M*A*S*H, Cabaret, Soap)
  • 1939 Kathleen E. Woodiwiss, Alexandria, Louisiana, novelist (historical romance pioneer, The Flame & The Flower)
  • 1952 Billy Powell, Corpus Christi, Texas, keyboardist (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
  • 1961 Lawrence Lessig, Rapid City, South Dakota, lawyer and author (Founder, Creative Commons)
  • 1976 Jamie McMurray,  Joplin, Missouri, NASCAR driver #1 Bass Pro Shops/McDonald’s Chevrolet Impala in the Sprint Cup Series for Earnhardt Ganassi Racing)
  • 1987 Lalaine, Burbank, California, actress (Miranda Sanchez/Lizzie McGuire; Annie, You Wish!, Royal Kill)
  • 1989 Katie Hoff, Palo Alto, California, swimmer (silver & 2 bronze, 2004 & 2008 Summer Olympics)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“Good health and good sense are two of life’s greatest blessings.” – Publius Syrius

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1770 Mission San Carlos Borromeo de Carmelo is founded in Carmel-by-the-Sea, California.
  • 1800 U.S. President John Adams takes up residence in Washington, D.C. (in a tavern because the White House was not yet completed).
  • 1850 The traditional founding date of Kansas City, Missouri. This was the date on which it was first incorporated by Jackson County, Missouri, as the “City of Kansas”.
  • 1861 American Civil War: Battle of Philippi (also called the Philippi Races) – Union forces rout Confederate troops in Barbour County, Virginia, now West Virginia, in first land battle of the War.
  • 1864 American Civil War: Battle of Cold Harbor – Union forces attack Confederate troops in Hanover County, Virginia.
  • 1866 The Fenians are driven out of Fort Erie, Ontario, into the United States.
  • 1888 The poem “Casey at the Bat”, by Ernest Lawrence Thayer, is published in the San Francisco Examiner.
  • 1916 The Reserve Officer Training Corps or ROTC is established by the U.S. Congress.
  • 1965 Launch of Gemini 4, the first multi-day space mission by a NASA crew. Crew-member Ed White performs the first American spacewalk.
  • 1969 Melbourne-Evans collision: Off the coast of South Vietnam, the Australian aircraft carrier HMAS Melbourne cuts the U.S. Navy destroyer USS Frank E. Evans in half.
  • 1992 Aboriginal Land Rights are granted in Australia in Mabo v Queensland (1988), a case brought by Eddie Mabo.
  • 1998 Eschede train disaster: an ICE high speed train derails in Lower Saxony, Germany, causing 101 deaths.
  • 2006 The union of Serbia and Montenegro comes to an end with Montenegro’s formal declaration of independence.
  • 2007 USS Carter Hall engages pirates after they board the Danish ship Danica White off the coast of Somalia.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, “I need to borrow two hundred dollars.”

At the other end, his father says, “Sorry, I can’t hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line.”

The boy shouts, “Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!”

“Sorry, I still can’t hear you clearly,” says his father.

The operator cuts in, “Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly.”

The father says, “Oh, good. YOU send him the money!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious about this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’

The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.’

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: Analogies and Metaphors Part II:
These came from the annual “Dark and Stormy Night” competition. Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
 
~ They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

~ John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

~ He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

~ Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

 ~ The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

~ The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

~ He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

~ The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

~ It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

~ He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

~ Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

~ She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Stonefish at Ripley’s Aquarium of the Smokies

stonefish

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day.

Father1: Whew! It’s getting rather warm in here, isn’t it?

Father2: Shall I open the window?

Father1: No, that’s alright. I’ll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves.

Father2: Hey, that’s a good idea. Why don’t we include that in the constitution?

Father1: What? That we’re allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?

Father2: Yeah, but that doesn’t sound very smooth. How about “Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.

An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

“How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against me?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.

Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?”, the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

The retiree replied, “Oh great! NOW you tell me!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “yes”.

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Public Aquariums!

~An aquarium (plural aquariums or aquaria) is a vivarium consisting of at least one transparent side in which water-dwelling plants or animals are kept.

~A public aquarium is the aquatic counterpart of a zoo, which houses living aquatic animal and plant specimens for public viewing.

~The first public aquarium was known as The Fish House, and opened at the London Zoo in May 1853.  It was constructed much like a greenhouse.

~In the United States, P.T. Barnum establish a public aquarium in 1856 as part of his established Barnum’s American Museum, which was located on Broadway in New York before it burned down.

~The oldest American aquarium still open to the public is the National Aquarium in Washington, D.C., founded in 1873.

~The Shedd Aquarium in Chicago was the largest aquarium in the United States for many years, until the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta opened in 2005.

~The Georgia Aquarium has more than 8 million U.S. gallons (6.7 million imp gal; 30 million L) of marine and fresh water, and more than 100,000 animals of 500 different species in Atlanta, Georgia. The aquarium’s notable specimens include whale sharks and beluga whales.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: People who stay in the middle of the road get run over.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. – Seneca

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *