Jokes and Trivia for June 4th, 2013

You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do. – A. J. Kitt

TODAY – JUNE 4th – TUESDAY

155th day of 2013 with 210 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression

*Hug Your Cat Day

*Adopt A Cat Month

*Old Maid’s Day

*National Candy Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1704 Benjamin Huntsman, Epworth, Lincolnshire, English inventor and manufacturer (crucible steel)
  • 1877 Heinrich Wieland, Pforzheim, Baden, Germany, biochemist (Bile acids research)
  • 1907 Rosalind Russell, Waterbury, Connecticut, actress (His Girl Friday, Aunti Mame, Mrs. Pollifax Spy)
  • 1916 Robert F. Furchgott, Charleston, South Carolina, chemist (discovered substance in endothelial cells that relaxes blood vessels, endothelium-derived relaxing factor)
  • 1924 Dennis Weaver, Joplin, Missouri, actor (Gunsmoke, McCloud, Gentle Ben, Duel, Stone, Buck James, Centennial)
  • 1926 Robert Earl Hughes, American man who became the heaviest known human (1,041 pounds)
  • 1928 Ruth Westheimer, German-born American sex therapist and author
  • 1930 Morgana King, Pleasantville, New York, actress (The Godfather Part II)
  • 1936 Bruce Dern, Kenilworth, Illinios, actor (Marnie, They Shoot Horses Don’t They?, The Cowboys, Silent Running, The Great Gatsby, Black Sunday, Coming Home)
  • 1937 Freddy Fender, San Benito, Texas, musician (Before the Next Teardrop Falls, Wasted Days and Wasted Nights)
  • 1937 Robert Fulghum, Waco, Texas, author (All I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten)
  • 1943 Joyce Meyer, St. Louis, Missouri, charismatic Christian author & speaker (The Secret Power of Speaking God’s Word, Approval Addiction, The Power of Simple Prayer)
  • 1944 Michelle Phillips, Long Beach, California, singer (The Mamas & the Papas) and actress (Dillinger, Valentino, 7th Heaven)
  • 1952 Parker Stevenson, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor and director (A Separate Peace, Stroker Ace, The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries, North and South )
  • 1956 Keith David, Harlem, New York, actor (Crash, There’s Something About Mary, Barbershop, Men at Work, The Thing, Pitch Black, voice – Gargoyles, Halo 2 & 3, Saints Row, The Princess & the Frog, Final Fantasy)
  • 1967 Robert Shane Kimbrough, Kileen, Texas, Apache helicopter pilot, astronaut (STS-126)
  • 1971 Noah Wyle, Hollywood, California, actor (ER, Falling Skies, Pirates of Silicon Valley)
  • 1975 Angelina Jolie, Los Angeles, California, actress (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Cradle of Life; Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Wanted, Changeling )
  • 1981 T. J. Miller, Denver, Colorado,actor and comedian (Gulliver’s Travels )

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If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself. – Spanish Proverb

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1783 The Montgolfier brothers publicly demonstrate their montgolfière (hot air balloon).
  • 1812 Following Louisiana’s admittance as a U.S. state, the Louisiana Territory is renamed the Missouri Territory.
  • 1862 Confederate troops evacuate Fort Pillow on the Mississippi River during the Civil War, leaving the way clear for Union troops to take Memphis, Tennessee.
  • 1876 An express train called the Transcontinental Express arrives in San Francisco, California, via the First Transcontinental Railroad only 83 hours and 39 minutes after leaving New York City.
  • 1896 Henry Ford completes the Ford Quadricycle, his first gasoline-powered automobile, and gives it a successful test run.
  • 1912 Massachusetts becomes the first state of the United States to set a minimum wage.
  • 1913 Emily Davison, a suffragette, runs out in front of King George V’s horse, Anmer, at the Epsom Derby. She is trampled, never regains consciousness and dies a few days later.
  • 1917 The first Pulitzer Prizes are awarded: Laura E. Richards, Maude H. Elliott, and Florence Hall receive the first Pulitzer for biography (for Julia Ward Howe). Jean Jules Jusserand receives the first Pulitzer for history for his work With Americans of Past and Present Days. Herbert B. Swope receives the first Pulitzer for journalism for his work for the New York World.
  • 1919 U.S. Congress approves the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guarantees suffrage to women, and sends it to the U.S. states for ratification.
  • 1939 The MS St. Louis, a ship carrying 963 Jewish refugees, is denied permission to land in Florida, United States, after already being turned away from Cuba. Forced to return to Europe, more than 200 of its passengers later die in Nazi concentration camps.
  • 1957 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his famous Power of Nonviolence speech at the University of California, Berkeley.
  • 1974 During Ten Cent Beer Night, inebriated Cleveland Indians fans start a riot, causing the game to be forfeited to the Texas Rangers.
  • 1998 Terry Nichols is sentenced to life in prison for his role in the Oklahoma City bombing.
  • 2001 Gyanendra, the last King of Nepal, ascends to the throne after the massacre in the Royal Palace.
  • 2004 Marvin Heemeyer’s (eventually suicidal) protest rampage with an improvised bulletproofed bulldozer destroys 13 Granby, Colorado buildings including the town hall.
  • 2010 Falcon 9 Flight 1 was the maiden flight of the SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket, which launched from Cape Canaveral Air Force Station Space Launch Complex 40

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My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from “Josh” at the bank regarding my account.

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh’s last name was. I explained that he hadn’t left his last name.

Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn’t know that either.

“There are 1500 employees in this building, ma’am,” she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name.

“Danielle,” she said.

“And your last name?” I asked.

“Sorry,” she replied, “we’re not allowed to give last names.”

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A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and then watched helplessly as the cup failed to appear — a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.

“Now that’s automation!” he exclaimed. “It even drinks for you!”

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My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, “You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel.”

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, “Yes, darling, I know. That’s why I married a college graduate.”

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ONE-LINERS: The Life of a Dog

8:00 am – Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 am – Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 am – Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 am – Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

11:30 am – Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

12:00 noon – Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

1:00 pm – Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 pm – Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

5:00 pm – Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 pm – Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

6:00 pm – Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30 pm – Oh Boy! Sleeping in master’s bed! My favorite!

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pic of the day: Barges on the Ohio River

Two Barges

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.  
~ There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
~ No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
~ I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
~ A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. 
~ The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
~ Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.  
~ Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
~ I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.  
~ A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

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7-year-old Bethany was placing nouns under the correct heading in class. All the words were from a list.

The teacher came over and looked at her lists. There where five: Persons, Places, Things, Ideas, and … Other?

The teacher asked Bethany, “Why are there five lists?”

Bethany answered, “Because my brother didn’t fit any of the categories.”

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Dumb Criminals. . .

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

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A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: “Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep!”

The judge replied: “You put him to sleep; you wake him up.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are thunder and lightning.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

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