Jokes and Trivia for June 5, 2013

“So many people spend their health gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain their health.” – A.J. Materi

TODAY – JUNE 5th – WEDNESDAY

156th day of 2013 with 209 follow. 

Holidays for Today:

*World Environment Day

*National Gingerbread Day

*Dairy Month

*Fight the Filthy Fly Month

*Rose Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1760 Johan Gadolin, Finnish scientist ( discovered element yttrium. considered  founder of Finnish chemistry research)
  • 1850 Pat Garrett, Chambers County, Alabama, Western lawman (sheriff of Lincoln County, NM, best known for killing Billy the Kid)
  • 1878 Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary (prominent Mexican Revolutionary general)
  • 1895 William Boyd, Belmont County, Ohio, actor (Hopalong Cassidy)
  • 1919 Richard Scarry, Boston, Massachusetts, children’s book author/illustrator (Best Bedtime Book Ever, Silly Stories, Tinker and Tanker)
  • 1934 Bill Moyers, Hugo, Oklahoma, journalist & public commentator
  • 1943 Matthew Lesko, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, author (reference books on how to get “free” money from U.S. government)
  • 1949 Ken Follett, Welsh author (Eye of the Needle, Pillars of the Earth, Whiteout)
  • 1951 Suze Orman, Chicago, Illinois, financial advisor, writer, and television personality (The Road to Wealth)
  • 1954 Nancy Stafford, Wilton Manors, Florida, actress (Matlock, Judging Amy )
  • 1960 Leslie Hendrix, San Francisco, California, actress (Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent and Law & Order: Trial by Jury)
  • 1962 Jeff Garlin, Chicago, Illinois, comedian (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
  • 1964 Rick Riordan, San Antonio, Texas, author (Percy Jackson & the Olympians series, Tres Navarre mystery series)
  • 1967 Ron Livingston, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, actor (Office Space, Band of Brothers, Standoff, Defying Gravity)
  • 1977 Christian Martucci, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,  musician
  • 1977 Liza Weil, New Jersey, actress (Gilmore Girls, Scandal)
  • 1979 Pete Wentz, Wilmette, Illinois, musician (Fall Out Boy)
  • 1981 Sebastien Lefebvre, Montréal, Québec, Canada, musician (Simple Plan)

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The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give. – Walt Whitman

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1817 The first Great Lakes steamer, the Frontenac, is launched.
  • 1837 Houston, Texas is incorporated by the Republic of Texas.
  • 1851 Harriet Beecher Stowe’s anti-slavery serial, Uncle Tom’s Cabin or, Life Among the Lowly starts a ten-month run in the National Era abolitionist newspaper.
  • 1917 Conscription begins in the United States as “Army registration day” during World War I.
  • 1933 The U.S. Congress abrogates the United States’ use of the gold standard by enacting a joint resolution (48 Stat. 112) nullifying the right of creditors to demand payment in gold.
  • 1942 World War II: United States declares war on Bulgaria, Hungary, and Romania.
  • 1956 Elvis Presley introduces his new single, “Hound Dog”, on The Milton Berle Show, scandalizing the audience with his suggestive hip movements.
  • 1967 Six-Day War begins: The Israeli air force launches simultaneous pre-emptive attacks on the air forces of Egypt and Syria.
  • 1968 U.S. presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy is shot at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles, California by Palestinian Sirhan Sirhan. Kennedy dies the next day.
  • 1969 The International communist conference begins in Moscow.
  • 1975 The Suez Canal opens for the first time since the Six-Day War.
  • 1975 The United Kingdom holds its first country-wide referendum, on remaining in the European Economic Community (EEC).
  • 1976 Collapse of the Teton Dam in Idaho, United States.
  • 1977 The Apple II, one of the first personal computers, goes on sale.
  • 1981 The Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that five people in Los Angeles, California have a rare form of pneumonia seen only in patients with weakened immune systems, in what turns out to be the first recognized cases of AIDS.
  • 2001 Tropical Storm Allison makes landfall on the upper-Texas coastline as a strong tropical storm and dumps large amounts of rain over Houston. The storm caused $5.5 billion in damages, making Allison the costliest tropical storm in U.S. history.

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For forty years we have studied bird calls . There are so many different species , and to make it more difficult they have territorial accents just like people do.

The really amazing thing is, we have translated all of their calls. And the message is always the same. No matter the breed or the location, the message is always the same:

“Yah! Yah! Yah! Cats can’t fly!”

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Anxious to ‘include’ as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

[This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.]

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When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

“Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.

“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

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ONE-LINERS: Real Signs and Advertisements

– Signs In a clothing store:
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

– In the window of an Oregon general store:
“Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?”

– In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

– On a Tennessee highway:
“Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

– From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:
“If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member.”

– On a Maine shop:
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

– On a delicatessen wall:
“Our best is none too good.”

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pic of the day: Paul’s Himalayan Musk Rambling Rose

Pauls-Himalayan-Musk

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WARNING! PUN & Short Joke ZONE!

What is Cheddar Gorge?
A large cheese sandwich!

What happens when you throw a green stone in the red sea?
It gets wet!

Why did the woman take a loaf of bread to bed with her?
To feed her nightmare!

What city cheats at exams?
Peking!

What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
It doesn’t eat much!

Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA?
Because it has 4 A’s and one B!

Who invented fire?
Some bright spark!

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Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of “Show and Tell” that day had been parents’ occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.”

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.”

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Golden Oldie…  The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

Tonto is silent for a moment, then he says, “Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo dung. Someone has stolen tent.”

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Managers’ Quotes . . . Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

– As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

– What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

– E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

– This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Roses!

~A rose is a woody perennial of the genus Rosa, within the family Rosaceae.

~ Roses were one of the first flowers to be domesticated.

~Plant explorers and botanists have discovered and named more than 200 species, all naturally occurring in the northern hemisphere.

~There are now many thousands of varied cultivars.

~Roses require a minimum of 6 hours of sun per day to grow & bloom well.

~Roses are widely available in two main forms: those that are growing on their own roots, and those that have been propagated by grafting a bud of one cultivar onto a stock or stem of another.  The most commonly-used root stocks are ‘Dr. Huey”, a red-flowering climber, Rosa multiflora which is a white species, and for warm climates, the cultivar ‘Fortuniana’ is also used. It is a white-flowered climber.

~The point where the bud of one rose is attached to the root stock of another is called the bud union.

~There are 10 classes of Modern Roses, and 15 classes of Old Garden Roses.  Hybrid tea, miniature, climbing and shrub roses are part of the Modern Roses.  Gallica, Damask, China, Tea, Bourbon and Portland are some of the old Old Garden Roses.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

In an industrial society which confuses work and productivity, the necessity of producing has always been an enemy of the desire to create. – Raoul Vaneigem

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