Jokes and Trivia for March 22, 2013

Patience is the companion of wisdom. – Saint Augustine

TODAY – MARCH 22nd – FRIDAY

81st day of 2013 with 284 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Water Day

*National Goof Off Day

*National Bavarian Crepes Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1868 Robert Millikan, Morrison, Illinois, physicist, Nobel Prize laureate , for his measurement of the charge on the electron and for his work on the photoelectric effect
  • 1887 Chico [Leonard] Marx, New York, New York, comedian (Marx Brothers)
  • 1908 Louis D L’Amour, Jamestown, North Dakota, author (Hondo, Jubal Sackett)
  • 1913 Karl Malden, Chicago, Illinois, actor (A Streetcar Named Desire, How The West Was One, Omar Bradeley/ Patton; Mike-Streets of San Francisco)
  • 1917 Irving Kaplansky, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, American mathematician (major contributions to group theory, ring theory, the theory of operator algebras and field theory)
  • 1923 Marcel Marceau, France, mime artist (Barbarella, Silent Movie)
  • 1931 Burton Richter, Brooklyn, New York City, physicist, Nobel laureate, known for J/ψ meson
  • 1931 William Shatner, Montréal Canada, American actor / author (Captain Kirk in Star Trek, T J Hooker, The Practice, Boston Legal, $#*! My Dad Says / Tek Wars)
  • 1935 M[ichael] Emmet Walsh, Ogdensburg, New York, actor (Wildcats, War Party, Blade Runner, Blood Simple, Home Improvement, Killer Image, Christmas with the Kranks)
  • 1947 James Patterson, Newburgh, New York, author (Women’s Murder Club, Maximum Ride, Daniel X, and Witch & Wizard series )
  • 1959 Matthew Modine, Loma Linda, California, actor (Full Metal Jacket, Vision Quest, Pacific Heights)
  • 1976 Kellie Shanygne Williams, Washington, D.C., actress (Family Matters )
  • 1976 Reese Witherspoon, New Orleans, Louisiana, actress (Legally Blonde, Walk the Line, Sweet Home Alabama, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, Monsters vs. Aliens )
  • 1980 Shannon Bex, Gresham, Oregon,  singer (Danity Kane)
  • 1988 Tania Raymonde, Los Angeles, California, actress (Lost )

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There are three great events in our lives: birth, life and death. Of birth we have no conscience; with death, we suffer; and, concerning life, we forget to live it. – Jean de La Bruyère

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1630 The Massachusetts Bay Colony outlaws the possession of cards, dice, and gaming tables.
  • 1638 Anne Hutchinson is expelled from Massachusetts Bay Colony for religious dissent.
  • 1739 Nadir Shah occupies Delhi in India and sacks the city, stealing the jewels of the Peacock Throne.
  • 1765 Stamp Act passed: 1st direct British tax on colonists.
  • 1871 In North Carolina, William Woods Holden becomes the first governor of a U.S. state to be removed from office by impeachment.
  • 1895 First display (a private screening) of motion pictures by Auguste and Louis Lumière.
  • 1906 First Anglo-French rugby union match at Parc des Princes in Paris
  • 1941 The Grand Coulee Dam in Washington, United States, begins to generate electricity.
  • 1960 Arthur Leonard Schawlow and Charles Hard Townes receive the first patent for a laser.
  • 1975 A fire at the Browns Ferry Nuclear Power Plant in Decatur, Alabama causes a dangerous reduction in cooling water levels.
  • 1978 Karl Wallenda of The Flying Wallendas dies after falling off a tight-rope between two hotels in San Juan, Puerto Rico.
  • 1981 1st class postage raised from 15¢ to 18¢.
  • 1982 NASA’s Space Shuttle Columbia, is launched from the Kennedy Space Center on its third mission, STS-3.
  • 1984 Teachers at the McMartin preschool in Manhattan Beach, California are charged with satanic ritual abuse of the children in the school. The charges are later dropped as completely unfounded.
  • 1992 USAir Flight 405 crashes shortly after liftoff from New York City’s LaGuardia Airport, leading to a number of studies into the effect that ice has on aircraft.
  • 1997 Comet Hale-Bopp Closest Approach to Earth (1.315 AU).
  • 2006 Three Christian Peacemaker Team hostages are freed by British forces in Baghdad after 118 days of captivity and the death of their colleague, American Tom Fox.
  • 2009 Mount Redoubt, a volcano in Alaska begins erupting after a prolonged period of unrest.

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A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said “Acts 2:38,” and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn’t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

“What did you say to him that kept him from moving?” they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. “Why did the woman’s quoting scripture scare you so much?” they asked.

“Scripture?” said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

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It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.

“Why so many?” I asked.

“My son is overseas,” she said. “He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base.”

“You shouldn’t have to do this,” I told her. “It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”

“I know,” she said, ” I’m the base commander’s mother.”

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ONE-LINERS: More Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

– The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

– There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

– They were too close to the door to close it.

– The buck does funny things when the does are present.

– A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

– To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

– The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

– After a number of injections my jaw got number.

– Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

– I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

– How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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pic of the day: Creek in Early Spring

creek

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Jimmy: ‘Hey, Mike! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.’

Mike: ‘To tell the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.’

Jimmy: ‘What? Let me get this straight… You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?’

Mike: ‘Well, yeah. After all, you know, he’s a parrot fish.’

Jimmy: ‘Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.’

Mike: ‘That’s what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he’s terribly off-key and it’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?’

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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”

They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”

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Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner.

Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said; “Why that’s great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Amazing Facts about Water

~Water boils quicker in Denver, Colorado than in New York City.

~Approximately 400 billion gallons of water are used in the United States per day.

~Americans use more water each day by flushing the toilet than they do by showering or any other activity.

~Residents of sub-Saharan Africa use only 2-5 gallons of water per day.

~Taking a bath requires up to 70 gallons of water.  A five-minute shower uses only 10 to 25 gallons.

~Juice that has ‘all natural’ written on the label even if it has less than 20% or 10% of juice… the water is natural, so the contents are ‘all natural’.

~The Catholic Herald, published in Great Britain, warms about the dangers of drinking holy water from religious shrines. While it may have curative powers in a religious sense, it seems that it also is a breeding ground for germs.

~There are almost 800 different brands of bottled water for sale in the United States.

~Hot water weighs more than cold.

~Imagine this? The average person can live about a month without eating any food, but can only live about a week without water.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. – Oscar Wilde

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Our daily thoughts should be elevated above the ceiling. – W. W. Loflin