Jokes and Trivia for May 16, 2013

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” ― Robert Frost

TODAY – MAY 16th – THURSDAY

135th day of 2013 with 229 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Love a Tree Day

*National Sea Monkey Day

*Wear Purple for Peace Day

*National Coquilles St. Jacques Day

*Biographers Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1718 Maria Gaetana Agnesi, Milan, mathematician
  • 1801 William Henry Seward, Florida, New York, Secretary of State (1861-69, buys Alaska at 2¢/acre, then called “Sewards Folly”)
  • 1831 David E. Hughes, London, inventor and musician, co-inventor of the microphone, a harpist and a professor of music
  • 1845 Ilya Ilyich Mechnikov, Kupiansk Raion, Kharkiv Oblast, Ukraine, Russian microbiologist, Nobel laureate
  • 1905 Henry Fonda, Grand Island, Nebraska, actor (Mr Roberts, On Golden Pond)
  • 1919 Liberace, West Allis, Wisconsin, pianist (Liberace Show, Evil Chandell-Batman)
  • 1919 Ramon Margalef, Barcelona, scientist, his most important work includes the application of Information Theory to ecological studies and the creation of mathematical models for the study of populations
  • 1947 Bill Smitrovich, Bridgeport, Connecticut, actor (Millennium, A Nero Wolfe Mystery, The Practice)
  • 1953 Pierce Brosnan, Ireland, actor (Remington Steele, 5th James Bond)
  • 1955 Debra Winger, Cleveland Heights, Ohio, actress (Terms of Endearment, for which she won the National Society of Film Critics Award for Best Actress in 1983, A Dangerous Woman )
  • 1966 Janet Jackson, Gary, Indiana, singer (“Nasty”, “Rhythm Nation”, “That’s the Way Love Goes”, “Together Again” , “All for You” )
  • 1966 Scott Reeves, Delight, Arkansas, actor and singer (The Young and the Restless , General Hospital )
  • 1969 David Boreanaz, Buffalo, New York, actor (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Bones)
  • 1972 Khary Payton, Augusta, Georgia, actor (best known for playing Cyborg in the Teen Titans )
  • 1986 Megan Fox, Oak Ridge, Tennessee, actress (Hope & Faith, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Transformers ,Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Jennifer’s Body )

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“A room without books is like a body without a soul.” ― Marcus Tullius Cicero

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1771 The Battle of Alamance, a pre-American Revolutionary War battle between local militia and a group of rebels called “The Regulators”, occurs in present-day Alamance County, North Carolina.
  • 1777 Lachlan McIntosh and Button Gwinnett shoot each other during a duel near Savannah, Georgia. Gwinnett, a signatory to the United States Declaration of Independence, dies three days later.
  • 1815 The Governor of New South Wales, Lachlan Macquarie, officially names the town of Blackheath in the upper Blue Mountains.
  • 1836 Edgar Allan Poe marries his 13-year-old cousin Virginia.
  • 1866 The U.S. Congress eliminates the half dime coin and replaces it with the five cent piece, or nickel.
  • 1866 Charles Elmer Hires invents root beer.
  • 1868 President Andrew Johnson is acquitted in his impeachment trial by one vote in the United States Senate.
  • 1874 A flood on the Mill River in Massachusetts destroys much of four villages and kills 139 people.
  • 1910 The United States Congress authorizes the creation of the United States Bureau of Mines.
  • 1929 In Hollywood, California, the first Academy Awards are handed out.
  • 1975 Junko Tabei becomes the first woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
  • 1983 Sudan People’s Liberation Army/Movement rebels against the Sudanese government.
  • 1986 The Seville Statement on Violence is adopted by an international meeting of scientists, convened by the Spanish National Commission for UNESCO, in Seville, Spain.
  • 1988 A report by United States’ Surgeon General C. Everett Koop states that the addictive properties of nicotine are similar to those of heroin and cocaine.
  • 1991 Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland addressed a joint session of the United States Congress. She is the first British monarch to address the U.S. Congress.
  • 1992 STS-49: Space Shuttle Endeavour lands safely after a successful maiden voyage.
  • 2003 In Casablanca, Morocco, 33 civilians are killed and more than 100 people are injured in the Casablanca terrorist attacks.

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Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.

“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”

“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

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On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest Sympathy”.

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

“Oh, it’s alright.” said the storekeeper. “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.”

“But,” added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.”

“Well, what did it say?” ask the storekeeper.

“‘Congratulations on your new location’.” was the reply.

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Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she’d have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn’t heard from anyone else.

It read: “Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.”

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ONE-LINERS:

 More About the Bible According to Kids:

– Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

– The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

– David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

– Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

– When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

– Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

– Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

– St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

– Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

– He also explained that “Man does not live by sweat alone”.

– It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

– The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

– The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

– One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

– St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

– A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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pic of the day: Sea-Monkeys in Aquarium

Sea-Monkies In Aquarium

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king’s palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn’t sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king’s loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story?
WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk, and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”

The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!”

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”

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The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”

“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

“You’re not there, sir,” he reported.

“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA:

Biographers Day –  The 16 May is the anniversary of the first meeting between Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), the author of the ‘Dictionary of the English Language’, and his biographer James Boswell (1740-1795). The two men met in Davies’s London bookshop in 1763, and established a relationship that would allow Boswell to produce what is recognized as the greatest biography ever written: ‘The Life of Samuel Johnson’, published in 1791.

Why is Samuel Johnson famous? – The Dictionary of the English Language, published 15 April 1755, was the first most important to that date. All other dictionaries since have been based on it and it was not superseded until the publication in 1928 of the Oxford English Dictionary.  (from ProjectBritian.com)

~What are sea-monkeys?  Sea-Monkeys is a brand name for brine shrimp – a group of crustaceans that undergo cryptobiosis – often sold in hatching kits as novelty aquarium pets. Invented in 1957 by Harold von Braunhut, the product was heavily marketed, especially in comic books, and remains a presence in popular culture.

~The animals sold as Sea-Monkeys are an artificial breed known as “Artemia NYOS” (NYOS being short for New York Ocean Science), formed by hybridising different species of Artemia. They undergo cryptobiosis or anhydrobiosis, a condition of apparent lifelessness which allows them to survive the desiccation of the temporary pools they live in.

~Sea-monkeys in space!  The astronaut John Glenn took Sea-Monkeys into space on October 29, 1998 aboard Space Shuttle Discovery during mission STS-95. After nine days in space, they were returned to Earth, and hatched eight weeks later apparently unaffected by their travels.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”  ― Mahatma Gandhi

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