Jokes and Trivia for May 21, 2013

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.” – Ernest Benn

TODAY –  MAY 21st – TUESDAY

141st day of 2013 with 224 follow. 

Holidays for Today:

*National Strawberries and Cream Day

*National Memo Day

*National Waiters and Waitresses Day

*World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development

*Saint Helena Day (celebrates discovery of the island of Saint Helena in 1502)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1688 Alexander Pope, British poet, translator of Homer (known for use of heroic couplet)
  • 1792 Gaspard-Gustave Coriolis, Paris, scientist (supplementary forces that are detected in a rotating frame of reference)
  • 1873 Hans Berger, German neuroscientist ( first to record human electroencephalograms (EEGs or “brain waves”) in 1924, for which he invented the electroencephalogram (giving the device its name), and the discoverer of the alpha wave rhythm known as “Berger’s wave”)
  • 1878 Glenn Curtiss, Hammondsport, New York, aviation engineer (founder of U.S. aircraft industry, made first officially witnessed flight in North America, pioneer naval aviation)
  • 1904 Robert Montgomery, Beacon, New York, actor (Night Must Fall, Here Comes Mr. Jordan, They Were Expendable)
  • 1916 Harold Robbins, NYC, New York, author (The Dream Merchants, The Carpetbaggers, Descent from Xanadu, Tycoon, Sin City)
  • 1917 Raymond Burr, Canadian actor (Perry Mason, Ironside, Godzilla 1985)
  • 1921 A.S. Douglas, London, England, computer scientist (credited with creating the first graphical Computer game OXO)
  • 1934 Bengt I. Samuelsson, Halmstad, biochemist, known for prostaglandins
  • 1941 Ronald Isley, Cincinnati, Ohio, singer (The Isley Brothers)
  • 1952 Mr. T (Laurence Tureaud),  Chicago, Illinois, actor and professional wrestler (The A-Team, Rocky III, I Pity the Fool)
  • 1957 Judge Reinhold, Wilmington, Delaware, actor (Dr. Dolittle Million Dollar Mutts, Beverly Hills Cop, Ruthless People, Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
  • 1964 Carolyn Lawrence, Baltimore, Maryland, actress, voice (Sandy Cheeks on SpongeBob SquarePants, Cindy Vortex on The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Morel Orel, Resident Evil 4)
  • 1967 Lisa Edelstein, Boston, Massachusetts, actress (Dr. Lisa Cuddy on House, Relativity)
  • 1973 Stewart Cink, Huntsville, Alabama, golfer (won 2009 Open championship)
  • 1985 Mutya Buena, Kingsbury, London, England,  singer (Sugababes)
  • 1992 Olivia Olson, Los Angeles, California, singer and actress (voice of Vanessa in Phineas and Ferb, and Marceline in Adventure Time with Finn and Jake)

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“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.” – Andy Rooney

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1758 Ten-year-old Mary Campbell is abducted in Pennsylvania by Lenape during the French and Indian War (returned some six and a half years later).
  • 1856 Lawrence, Kansas is captured and burned by pro-slavery forces.
  • 1881 The American Red Cross is established by Clara Barton in Washington, D.C..
  • 1894 The Manchester Ship Canal in England is officially opened by Queen Victoria, who later knights its designer Sir Edward Leader Williams.
  • 1904 The Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) is founded in Paris.
  • 1917 The Great Atlanta fire of 1917 causes $5.5 million in damages, destroying some 300 acres including 2,000 homes, businesses and churches, displacing about 10,000 people and leading to only fatality (due to heart attack).
  • 1924 University of Chicago students Richard Loeb and Nathan Leopold, Jr. murder 14-year-old Bobby Franks in a “thrill killing”.
  • 1927 Charles Lindbergh touches down at Le Bourget Field in Paris, completing the world’s first solo nonstop flight across the Atlantic Ocean.
  • 1932 Bad weather forces Amelia Earhart to land in a pasture in Derry, Northern Ireland, and she thereby becomes the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean.
  • 1934 Oskaloosa, Iowa, becomes the first municipality in the United States to fingerprint all of its citizens.
  • 1937 A Soviet station, North Pole-1, becomes the first scientific research settlement to operate on the drift ice of the Arctic Ocean.
  • 1946 Physicist Louis Slotin is fatally irradiated in a criticality incident during an experiment with the Demon core at Los Alamos National Laboratory.
  • 1951 The opening of the Ninth Street Show, otherwise known as the 9th Street Art Exhibition – a gathering of a number of notable artists, and the stepping-out of the post war New York avant-garde, collectively known as the New York School.
  • 1961 Alabama Governor John Malcolm Patterson declares martial law in an attempt to restore order after race riots break out.
  • 1990 The Democratic Republic of Yemen and North Yemen agree to merge into the Republic of Yemen.
  • 1991 Former Indian prime minister Rajiv Gandhi is assassinated by a female suicide bomber near Madras.
  • 1998 In Miami, Florida, five abortion clinics are hit by a butyric acid attacker.
  • 2001 French Taubira law is enacted, officially recognizing the Atlantic slave trade and slavery as crimes against humanity.
  • 2003 An earthquake hits northern Algeria killing more than 2,000 people.
  • 2005 The tallest roller coaster in the world, Kingda Ka opens at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson Township, New Jersey.
  • 2006 The Republic of Montenegro holds a referendum proposing independence from the State Union of Serbia and Montenegro. The Montenegrin people choose independence with a majority of 55%.
  • 2010 JAXA, the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency, launches the solar-sail spacecraft IKAROS aboard an H-IIA rocket. The vessel would make a Venus flyby late in the year.

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Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!”

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“There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.” – Will Rogers

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A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: “Where did you go???”

The husband calmly replied, “Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn’t have money that time and I said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day’?”

Wife, with a smile blushing, said, “Yes, I remember that, my love.”

“Well, I’m at the Home Depot next to that shop.”

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ONE-LINERS:

~ Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
~ Since God and the angels are always watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
~ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.
~ Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
~ Sooner or later, everybody gets old, right? I vote for later.
~ Spring allergies and a full-face motorcycle helmet are not a pleasant combination.
~ The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.
~ The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
~ The economy has gotten so bad that yesterday I received in the mail a pre-declined credit card application.
~ The first rule of holes: If you’re in one, stop digging.
~ The greatest thing about Grace is that it makes life not fair.
~ The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn’t getting enough sleep.

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pic of the day: Flag of Saint Helena

Flag_of_Saint_Helena

From Wiki Commons

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

“I’m really hungry,” said the first one.

“Me, too,” said the second.

“Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms.

They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.

“I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up into the tree,” said the first one.

“Me neither. Let’s just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,” said the second.

“O.K.,”said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought …

“I just love baskin’ robins.”

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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, “I’m toast.”
  A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.”
  So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.
  Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
  The voice booms out again: “Okay…NOW you’re toast!”

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Actual questions asked of reference librarians:

~ Do you have books here?

~ Do you have that book by Rushdie, ‘Satanic Nurses’? [Actual title: “Satanic Verses”]

~ I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.

~ Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?

~ Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?

~ Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?

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Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon.

Later he came home with the pizza, and the coupon.

When asked to explain, he replied, “Mom, I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: The Island of Saint Helena

~ Saint Helena is an island of volcanic origin in the South Atlantic Ocean named after Saint Helena of Constantinople. 

~ It is part of the British Overseas Territory of St Helena, Ascension and Tristan da Cunha.

~ The island presently has a population of about 4,250 inhabitants (2008 census), mainly descended from people from Britain – settlers (“planters”) and soldiers – and slaves who were brought there from the beginning of settlement.

~ The island was uninhabited when discovered by the Portuguese in 1502. One of the most isolated islands in the world, it was for centuries an important stopover for ships sailing to Europe from Asia and South Africa.

~ Saint Helena has been used by the British as a place of exile in the past, most notably for Napoleon I, Dinuzulu kaCetshwayo and more than 5,000 Boer prisoners.

~ Saint Helena is Britain’s second oldest remaining colony (now termed overseas territory), after Bermuda.

~  There are two National Parks. One helps protect some of the rare flora on the central ridges. Several of these species can only be found on St Helena. The second, at Sandy Bay on the southern coast, protects further rare native species and the spectacular geological structures which are a legacy of St Helena’s volcanic origins.

~ Scenic views of Saint Helena can be see at a tourism site here.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I bought a dog once. Named him ‘Stay’. “Come here, Stay.” He’s insane now.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . 

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat. – Theodore Roosevelt

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