Jokes and Trivia for May 28, 2013

“Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive and not as good as it was yesterday.”- Andy Rooney

TODAY – MAY 28th – TUESDAY

148th day of 2013 with 217 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Hamburger Day

*Amnesty International Day

*121st anniversary of the Sierra Club

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1836 Alexander Mitscherlich, Oberstdorf, chemist (processing wood to create cellulose)
  • 1858 Carl Rickard Nyberg, Arboga, Sweden, inventor (known for Blowtorch, aeroplanes)
  • 1888 Jim Thorpe/Wa-Tho-Huk, Prague, Oklahoma, pentathlete, decathlete, fotball, baseball and basketball player (considered one of the most versatile athletes of modern sports)
  • 1908 Ian Fleming, English author and Naval intelligence officer (James Bond books & stories)
  • 1931 Carroll Baker, Johnstown, Pennsylvania, actress (Jackpot, Kindergarten Cop, Ironweed, How the West Was Won, The Big Country)
  • 1933 John Karlen, New York City, New York, actor (Dark Shadows )
  • 1941 Beth Howland, Boston, Massachusetts, actress  (Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore)
  • 1942 Stanley B. Prusiner, Des Moines, Iowas, neurologist & biochemist (Nobel / discovered prions)
  • 1944 Gladys Knight, Atlanta, Georgia, R&B and soul singer and actress (14th season of Dancing with the Stars)
  • 1944 Rudy Giuliani, Brooklyn, New York, 107th Mayor of New York City
  • 1947 Sondra Locke, Shelbyville, Tennessee, actress (The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Sudden Impact )
  • 1962 Brandon Cruz, Bakersfield, California, actor (The Courtship of Eddie’s Father)
  • 1962 James Michael Tyler, Winona, Mississippi, actor (Friends )
  • 1970 Glenn Quinn, Irish actor (Roseanne, Angel)
  • 1977 Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Cranston, Rhode Island, contestant on Survivor: The Australian Outback, talk show host (The View)
  • 1979 Jesse Bradford, Norwalk, Connecticut, actor (Presumed Innocent, Bring It On, Swimfan, Flags of Our Fathers)
  • 1985 Colbie Caillat, Newbury Park, California, singer-songwriter

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 “In health there is freedom. Health is the first of all liberties.” – Henri Frederic Amiel

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 585 BC A solar eclipse occurs, as predicted by Greek philosopher and scientist Thales, while Alyattes is battling Cyaxares in the Battle of the Eclipse, leading to a truce. This is one of the cardinal dates from which other dates can be calculated.
  • 1588 The Spanish Armada, with 130 ships and 30,000 men, sets sail from Lisbon heading for the English Channel. (took until May 30 for all ships to leave port).
  • 1830 President Andrew Jackson signs the Indian Removal Act which relocates Native Americans.
  • 1892 In San Francisco, California, John Muir organizes the Sierra Club.
  • 1930 The Chrysler Building in New York City officially opens.
  • 1934 Near Callander, Ontario, the Dionne quintuplets are born to Oliva and Elzire Dionne; they will be the first quintuplets to survive infancy.
  • 1936 Alan Turing submits On Computable Numbers for publication.
  • 1937 The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, California, is officially opened by President Franklin D. Roosevelt in Washington, D.C., who pushes a button signaling the start of vehicle traffic over the span.
  • 1951 British radio comedy programme The Goon Show was broadcast on BBC for the first time.
  • 1952 The women of Greece are given the right to vote.
  • 1961 Peter Benenson’s article The Forgotten Prisoners is published in several internationally read newspapers. This will later be thought of as the founding of the human rights organization Amnesty International.
  • 1964 The Palestine Liberation Organization is formed.
  • 1975 Fifteen West African countries sign the Treaty of Lagos, creating the Economic Community of West African States.
  • 1996 U.S. President Bill Clinton’s former business partners in the Whitewater land deal, James McDougal and Susan McDougal, and the Governor of Arkansas Jim Guy Tucker, are convicted of fraud.
  • 1998 Nuclear testing: Pakistan responds to a series of nuclear tests by India with five of its own codenamed Chagai-I, prompting the United States, Japan, and other nations to impose economic sanctions. Pakistan celebrates Youm-e-Takbir annually.
  • 1999 In Milan, Italy, after 22 years of restoration work, Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece The Last Supper is put back on display.
  • 2002 The Mars Odyssey finds signs of large ice deposits on the planet Mars.
  • 2003 Peter Hollingworth becomes the first Governor-General of Australia to resign his office as a result of criticism of his conduct.
  • 2008 The first meeting of the Constituent Assembly of Nepal formally declares Nepal a republic, ending the 240-year reign of the Shah dynasty.
  • 2010 In West Bengal, India, a train derailment and subsequent collision kills 141 passengers.

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* Call to a Travel Centre

Customer: “I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?”.

Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?”

Customer: “It was on the door to the Travel Centre”.

Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours”.

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* Call to Samsung Electronics

Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”

Operator: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about”.

Caller: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”

Operator: “I think you mean the telephone point on the wall”.

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* Call to RAC Motoring Services

Caller: “Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?”

Operator: ” Doesn’t the product give you a clue?”

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* Call to AAA Motoring Services

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
“If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?”

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ONE-LINERS: Things that you should know by now. . .

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

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pic of the day: Turkeys Roosting at Night

turkeys-roost-at-night

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~  I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me. 

~ I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

~ I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn’t have much of a plot.

~ Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

~ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

~ Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

~ Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.

~ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 

~ I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

~ The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

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A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”

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A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment.  I am in apartment 301.  There is a big panel at the front door.  With your elbow, push button 301.  I will buzz you in.  Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow push 3.  When you get out, I’m on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma,that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

“What?! You coming empty handed?”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

It is unwise to be too sure of one’s own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err. – Mahatma Gandhi

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