Jokes and Trivia for May 3, 2013

When a thing is done, it’s done. Don’t look back. Look forward to your next objective. – George C. Marshall

TODAY – MAY 3rd – FRIDAY

123rd day of 2013 with 242 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* World Press Freedom Day (UN)

* Lumpy Rug Day

* National Raspberry Popover Day

* Space Day (first Friday in May)

* International Tuba Day (first Friday in May)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1844 Wilbur Olin Atwater, Johnsburg, New York, developed agricultural chemistry, studied human nutrition and metabolism
  • 1857 George Gore, Saccarappa, Maine, baseball player (center fielder, “Piano Legs”, records for stealing 7 bases and for collecting five extra-base hits)
  • 1859 Andy Adams, Indiana, cowboy/ author of western fiction (Great Western Cattle Trail)
  • 1903 Bing Crosby, Tacoma, Washington, singer / actor / golfer (White Christmas)
  • 1906 Mary Astor, Quincy, Illinois, actress (The Maltese Falcon, The Great Lie)
  • 1919 John Cullen Murphy, NYC, comic strip artist (Prince Valiant)
  • 1921 Sugar Ray Robinson, Detroit, Michigan, boxer (world welterweight & middleweight titles)
  • 1933 Alex Cord, Floral Park, New York, actor (Archangel/Airwolf; Mission Impossible; Genesis II)
  • 1933 Steven Weinberg, New York City, New York, nuclear physicist (shared Nobel / electroweak theory)
  • 1934 Frankie Valli, Newark, New Jersey, singer (The Four Seasons)
  • 1946 Greg Gumbel, New Orleans, Louisana, sports broadcaster (CBS/ NFL & NCAA)
  • 1948 Chris Mulkey, Viroqua, Wisconsin, actor (Cloverfield, Knight Rider, Col. Jacob “Hawk” Manley/ Wing Commander)
  • 1952 Caitlin Clarke. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, actress (Crocodile Dundee, Dragonslayer; Titanic/Broadway)
  • 1975 Christina Hendricks, Knoxville, Tennessee, actress (Madmen, Saffron/Firefly)
  • 1980 Marcel Vigneron, Bainbridge Island, Washington, chef (runner-up 2nd season of Top Chef)
  • 1984 Cheryl Burke, San Francisco, California, dancer (Dancing w/the Stars first champion 2-times consecutively)

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Creativity is…seeing something that doesn’t exist already. You need to find out how you can bring it into being and that way be a playmate with God. – Michele Shea

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1802 Washington, D.C. is incorporated as a city.
  • 1867 The Hudson’s Bay Company gives up all claims to Vancouver Island.
  • 1901 The Great Fire of 1901 begins in Jacksonville, Florida.
  • 1915 The poem In Flanders Fields is written by Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae.
  • 1921 West Virginia imposes the first state sales tax.
  • 1933 Nellie Tayloe Ross becomes the first woman to head the United States Mint.
  • 1937 Gone with the Wind, a novel by Margaret Mitchell, wins the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.
  • 1951 The Kentucky Derby is televised for the first time.
  • 1952 Lieutenant Colonels Joseph O. Fletcher and William P. Benedict of the United States land a plane at the North Pole.
  • 1957 Walter O’Malley, the owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers, agrees to move the team from Brooklyn, New York, to Los Angeles, California.
  • 1973 The Sears Tower in Chicago is topped out as the world’s tallest building.
  • 1978 The first unsolicited bulk commercial e-mail (which would later become known as “spam”) is sent by a Digital Equipment Corporation marketing representative to every ARPANET address on the west coast of the United States.
  • 1987 A crash by Bobby Allison at the Talladega Superspeedway, Alabama fencing at the start-finish line would lead NASCAR to develop restrictor plate racing the following season both at Daytona International Speedway and Talladega.
  • 2000 The sport of geocaching begins, with the first cache placed and the coordinates from a GPS posted on Usenet.
  • 2003 New Hampshire’s famous Old Man of the Mountain collapses.

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“Doctor! Doctor! You’ve gotta help me! People keep calling me crazy!”

“Perhaps you ought to start at the beginning.”

“Okay. In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form and void ..”

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I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn’t tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

“Didn’t you have a nice time?” I asked.

“Well, it was okay,” she responded. “But I thought it would be more like a circus.”

Confused, I asked, “Whatever do you mean?”

She said, “Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!”

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ONE-LINERS:

When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, “Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.” But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.

Accountants don’t die, they just lose their balance.

Bank managers don’t die, they just lose interest.

Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

Teachers don’t retire, they just mark time.

Roofers don’t retire, they just wipe the slate clean.

Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.

Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.

Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.

Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue and lose their circulation.

Old crossword puzzlers never die, they just go across and — hopefully — up.

Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.

Old plumbers never die, they just get out of sink and go down the drain.

Old teachers never die, they just grade away and lose their principals, their faculties and their class.

Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.

Old mimes never die, they’re just never heard from again.

Old housemaids never die, they just return to dust.

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pic of the day: Lunar Landing

Lunar Landing

as depicted at the National Naval Aviation Museum in Pensacola Beach, Florida

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap.

~ I sat up all night thinking about the sun. Then it dawned on me.

~ I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

~ If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

~ Two jumper cables walk into a bar.  The bartender says, “I’ll serve you guys, but don’t start anything.”

~ What is a forum?  Two-um plus two-um!

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The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked, “Do you know what caused you
to faint?”

“It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!”

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About 200 dead crows have been found near Topeka. There was considerable concern that they may have died from avian flu. They had a bird pathologist from Harvard examine the remains of all the crows. To everyone’s relief, he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT avian flu.

He determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by cars. He was asked, “Can you account for the disproportionate percentages for truck- versus car-kill?”

The Harvard man responded, “When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. All the lookout crows could say “Cah,” but none could say “Truck.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA

~ World Press Freedom Day  celebrates the fundamental principles of press freedom; to evaluate press freedom around the world, to defend the media from attacks on their independence and to pay tribute to journalists who have lost their lives in the exercise of their profession.

~ Lumpy Rug Day: While some people think the day is all about carpet, its original tongue-in-cheek intent is more global than homey. Its purpose, according to “Chase’s Calendar of Annual Events,” is to tease “bigots and trigots for shoving unwelcome facts under the rug.”

~ National Raspberry Popover Day: The popover is an American version of the hollow English rolls called Yorkshire Pudding. Since raspberries are plentiful in most parts of the US, they make an abundant and fresh addition to many recipes for these light, buttery rolls, as a filling or batter ingredient.

~ About Space Day: Since its launch in 1997, the Space Day educational initiative has grown into a huge grassroots effort dedicated to the extraordinary achievements, benefits and opportunities in the exploration and use of space. The ultimate goal is to promote math, science, technology and engineering education by nurturing young peoples’ enthusiasm for the wonders of the universe and inspiring them to continue the stellar work of today’s space explorers.

~  International Tuba Day was created to recognize tubists in musical organizations around the world who have to go through the hassle of handling a tuba. What hassles? Tuba players obviously have hassles due to the size and weight of their instruments, but what is actually more of a hassle for tuba players is the stereotyped attitudes among people towards tubists and their instrument.   The tuba is too often thought of as  just being one of those big, loud instruments that go “oompah” in the back of parades.  The tuba player is actually a talented musician.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. – Anonymous

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Life is a series of surprises, and would not be worth taking or keeping if it were not. – Ralph Waldo Emerson