Jokes and Trivia for May 6, 2013

We spend most of our lives conjugating three verbs: to want, to have, and to do. – Evelyn Underhill

TODAY – MAY 6th – MONDAY

126th day of 2013 with 239 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Beverage Day

*International No Diet Day

*National Crepes Suzette Day

*National Photography Month

*National Tourist Appreciation Day

*National Nurses Day & National Nurses Week

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1742 Jean Senebier, Geneva, pastor/ botanist (discovered plants consume carbon dioxide, release oxygen under the influence of light)
  • 1806 Chapin Aaron Harris, Pompey, New York, dentist who was one of the founders of dentistry as a profession
  • 1856 Sigmund Freud, Austrian Austrian neurologist & psychiatrist (founding father of psychoanalysis)
  • 1856 Robert Peary, Cresson, Pennsylvania, explorer (led first expedition that claimed to readh geographic North Pole)
  • 1895 Rudolph Valentino, Italian-American actor (The Sheik, Blood and Sand, The Eagle)
  • 1904 Raymond Bailey, Irvine, California, actor (banker Drysdale/Beverly Hillbillies)
  • 1915 Orson Welles, Kenosha, Wisconsin, director and actor (The War of the Worlds, Citizen Kane)
  • 1915 Theodore White, Boston, Massachusetts, writer (Making of the President series)
  • 1929 Paul Lauterbur, Sidney, Ohio, chemist (Nobel/magnetic resonance imaging
  • 1931 Willie Mays, Westfield, Alabama, considered greatest all-around baseball player
  • 1945 Bob Seger, Detroit, Michigan, singer/songwriter (Night Moves)
  • 1947 Alan Dale, New Zealand, actor (Neighbours, The O.C., Ugly Betty, Lost)
  • 1952 Michael O’Hare, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Sinclair/Babylon 5; play “Shades of Brown”)
  • 1953 Tony Blair, former British prime minister (1997-2007)
  • 1953 Lynn Whitfield,Baton Rouge, Louisiana, actress (Josephine Baker Story, The Wedding, Head of State, Cheetah Girls)
  • 1955 Tom Bergeron, Haverhill, Massachusetts, emcee/game show host (Funniest Home Videos, Hollywood Squares, Dancing w/the Stars)
  • 1961 George Clooney, Lexington, Kentucky, actor (ER, Oh Brother Where Art Thou?, Ocean’s Eleven, Syriana, Up in the Air)
  • 1996 Dominic Scott Kay, Los Angeles, California, actor (Pirates of the Caribbean World’s End, Wilbur/Charlotte’s Web, Buddha/Air Buddies)

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When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on. – Franklin D Roosevelt

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1536 King Henry VIII orders English language Bibles be placed in every church.
  • 1816 The American Bible Society is founded in New York City.
  • 1840 Adhesive postage stamp was first sold in Great Britain. The “penny black” and “twopenny blue” stamps showed the profile of Queen Victoria.
  • 1851 U.S. patent was issued to Linus Yale, Jr. for his invention of his “Self-Detaching and Attaching Key-Lock”.
  • 1861 Arkansas secedes from the Union.
  • 1877 Chief Crazy Horse of the Oglala Sioux surrenders to United States troops in Nebraska.
  • 1889 Eiffel Tower is officially opened to the public at the Universal Exposition in Paris.
  • 1935 New Deal: Executive Order 7034 creates the Works Progress Administration.
  • 1937 German zeppelin Hindenburg catches fire and is destroyed within a minute while attempting to dock at Lakehurst, New Jersey. Thirty-six people are killed.
  • 1940 John Steinbeck is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his novel The Grapes of Wrath.
  • 1941 At California’s March Field, Bob Hope performs his first USO show.
  • 1953 A heart-lung machine designed by Dr. John Heysham Gibbon was used to successfully complete the first open-heart surgery.
  • 1954 Roger Bannister becomes the first person to run the mile in under four minutes.
  • 1960 More than 20 million viewers watch the first televised royal wedding when Princess Margaret marries Anthony Armstrong-Jones at Westminster Abbey.
  • 1981 A jury of architects and sculptors unanimously selects Maya Ying Lin’s design for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial from 1,421 other entries.
  • 1989 Cedar Point opens Magnum XL-200, the first roller coaster to break the 200 ft height barrier, therefore spawning what is considered to be the coaster wars.
  • 1994 Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom and French President Fran�ois Mitterrand officiate at the opening of the Channel Tunnel.
  • 1998 Kerry Wood strikes out 20 Houston Astros to tie the major league record held by Roger Clemens. He threw a one-hitter and did not walk a batter in his 5th career start.
  • 2008 Chaiten Volcano erupts in Chile, forcing the evacuation of more than 4,500 people.

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A client brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the local veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the experienced vet realized it would be difficult to tell which had been treated and which hadn’t. The Vet turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers and moistened each dog’s head as she finished giving each one the necessary shots.

After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed her hitherto talkative client had grown silent and was looking rather reverent.

As the animal doctor sprinkled the last pup’s head, the owner leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized, too.”

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A homeless man, down on his luck and shabbily dressed, went into a church that was known for its rather “upper class” social reputation. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked, “Can we help you?”

“I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and he might get a different answer.

The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a
different answer?” they asked.

“Yes, I did. I told the Lord that you don’t want me here, but the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, son. I’ve been trying to
get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.'”

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ONE-LINERS: Proofreading is a Dying Art
(allegedly actual newspaper headlines)

MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
Can ghosts shoot people?

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
Really? Ya think?

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
What a guy!

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
Good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
I can see where it might have that effect!

IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE
Ya think?!

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
Who would have thought!

ENFIELD [London] COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
They may be on to something!

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
News flash! There’s something stronger than duct tape!

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE
He probably IS the battery charge!

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
That’s what he gets for eating that bean burrito!

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
Do they taste like chicken?

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
Must all be on the medical center’s basketball team.

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
Did I read that right?

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pic of the day: Warbler Amid Cherry Blossoms
(from National Geographic Wallpapers section)

PHOTOGRAPHER: Raymond K. Gehman

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

What do Scotsmen eat?
Tart’n’pie!

What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it’s lighter!

What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?
Oldham!

What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!

What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!

What did you get for christmas?
A mouth organ, its the best present I’ve ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!

Where do tadpoles change?
In a croakroom!

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“Doctor, I’m sorry for calling you at 3 AM, but my wife has appendicitis.”

“That’s impossible! I took her appendix out five years ago. Only a moron would wake me up in the middle of the night for something this idiotic. Have you ever heard of anybody with a second appendix?”

“Have you ever heard of anybody with a second wife?”

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I went to my doctor because I had the flu. The doctor wrote out a prescription in his usual illegible writing. I put it in my pocket, but never went to get the tablets from the pharmacy.

Every morning for two years I showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice it got me into the movies, once into Yankee Stadium, and once into the New York Philharmonic. I got a raise at work by showing it as a note from my boss.

One day I mislaid it.

My daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to Juliard.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: International No Diet Day (INDD) is an annual celebration of body acceptance, including fat acceptance and body shape diversity. This day is also dedicated to promoting a healthy life style with a focus on health at any size and in raising awareness of the potential dangers of dieting and the unlikelihood of success; the Institute of Medicine summarises: “those who complete weight loss programs lose approximately 10 percent of their body weight only to regain two-thirds within a year and almost all of it within five years. (Wikipedia

~ Crepes Suzette: Crêpes are essentially a thinner, wider version of a pancake. There’s no leavening agent in crêpe batter, and they cook much faster.  A good crêpe batter usually sticks to (or is close to) the following ratio: 1 cup of flour to 2 eggs and 2 cups of milk or water. Some recipes call for a mix of water and milk, and the amount of liquid will also vary on the amount of moisture in the air. Some recipes also add sugar or vanilla for a sweeter crêpe. (from Eatocracy)

~ National Photography Month (NPM) was officially recognized by Congress in 1987. Celebrate by taking lots of pictures and learning more about photography!

~National Nurses Week is celebrated annually from May 6, also known as National Nurses Day, through May 12, the birthday of Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria! – Calvin

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. – Ralph Waldo Emerson