Jokes & Trivia for July 2, 2013

“History teaches that grave threats to liberty often come in times of urgency, when constitutional rights seem too extravagant to endure.” ― Thurgood Marshall

TODAY – JULY 2nd – TUESDAY

183rd day of 2013 with 182 follow. (We are now over halfway through the year!)

Holidays for Today:

*I Forgot Day

*World UFO Day

*National Anisette Day

*National Blueberry Month

*National Anti-Boredom Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1906 Hans Bethe, German nuclear physicist (Nobel / quantum electrodynamics, nuclear physics, solid-state physics and astrophysics)
  • 1908 Thurgood Marshall, Baltimore, Maryland, 96th justice of U.S. Supreme Court (argued more cases before Supreme Court than anyone else in history)
  • 1917 Murry Wilson, Hutchinson, Kansas,  songwriter and record producer (The Beach Boys)
  • 1932 Dave Thomas, Atlantic City, New Jersey, fast-food tycoon (founder of Wendy’s)
  • 1934 Tom Springfield, Hampstead, London, British singer and songwriter (The Springfields)
  • 1937 Polly Holliday, Jasper, Alabama, actress (waitress Flo on Alice, Flo – “Kiss My Grits!”)
  • 1937 Richard Petty, Level Cross, North Carolina, former NASCAR driver (“The King” / won NASCAR championship 7 times)
  • 1946 Richard Axel, Brooklyn, New York City, neuroscientist (Nobel /olfactory system)
  • 1946 Ron Silver, NYC, New York, actor (Tunnel Vision, Rhoda, Blue Steel, Enemies: A Love Story, Best Friends, Timecop)
  • 1948 Saul Rubinek, Canadian actor (Unforgiven, True Romance, Stargate SG-1, Frasier, Jesse Stone TV movies, Warehouse 13)
  • 1970 Yancy Butler, Greenwich Village, New York, actress (Hard Target, Witchblade)
  • 1974 Rocky Gray, Jacksonville, Arkansas, drummer and guitarist (Evanescence, Living Sacrifice)
  • 1979 Sam Hornish, Jr., Defiance, Ohio, NASCAR race driver (Penske Racing)
  • 1984 Vanessa Lee Chester, Hollywood, California, actress (Switched at Birth )
  • 1986 Lindsay Lohan, New York City, actress (Just My Luck )
  • 1989 Dev Tailes, Tracey, California, singer and recording artist (Like a G6, Bass Down Low)

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“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” ― Benjamin Franklin

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1613 The first English expedition from Massachusetts against Acadia led by Samuel Argall takes place.
  • 1679 In an expedition led by Daniel Greysolon de Du Luth Europeans first went to Minnesota and first saw headwaters of Mississippi
  • 1698 Thomas Savery patents the first steam engine.
  • 1776 Continental Congress adopts a resolution severing ties with the Kingdom of Great Britain although the wording of the formal Declaration of Independence is not approved until July 4.
  • 1777 Vermont becomes the first American territory to abolish slavery.
  • 1881 Charles J. Guiteau shoots and fatally wounds U.S. President James Garfield, who eventually dies from an infection on September 19.
  • 1890 The U.S. Congress passes the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.
  • 1897 Italian scientist Guglielmo Marconi obtains a patent for radio in London.
  • 1900 The first Zeppelin flight takes place on Lake Constance near Friedrichshafen, Germany.
  • 1937 Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan are last heard from over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first equatorial round-the-world flight.
  • 1962 First Wal-Mart store opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas.
  • 1964 President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act of 1964 meant to prohibit segregation in public places.
  • 1993 37 participants in an Alevi cultural and literary festival are killed when a mob of demonstrators set fire to their hotel in Sivas during a violent protest.
  • 2000 Vicente Fox Quesada is elected the first President of México from an opposition party, the Partido Acción Nacional, after more than 70 years of continuous rule by the Partido Revolucionario Institucional.
  • 2001 The AbioCor self contained artificial heart is first implanted.
  • 2002 Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly solo around the world nonstop in a balloon.
  • 2010 The South Kivu tank truck explosion in the Democratic Republic of the Congo kills at least 230 people.

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Work Equations

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

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My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

“Would you like to go out, girl?” he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes, I’d love to!”

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn’t until the end of it that Dad confessed.

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom’s feet on the kitchen floor.

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ONE-LINERS: Places I’d Rather Not Live

– Paradox, New York
– Crapo, Maryland
– Boogertown, North Carolina
– Spasticville, Kansas
– Hellhole, Idaho
– Purgatory, Maine
– Girdletree, Maryland
– Rabbithash, Kentucky

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A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against …. get this …. fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued … and won!!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested… on 24 counts of arson!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

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pic of the day: Fireworks

picture of fireworks

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.
Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “You can cook me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks!”

——-

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, “If you wish to save your marriage, you’d better be a little boulder.”

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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Nearing the final curtain, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those!” she said, “They’re for after the funeral.”

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For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I’m tired because I’m overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you’re sitting there reading jokes on the web.

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Lecturer speaking about whales: “For instance, some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles.”

“What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?”

“I’m not absolutely sure, but I bet it sounds something like ‘Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww?'”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Blueberries!

~July is national blueberry month because that is the peak of the harvest season.

~There are 85 calories in one cup of blueberries.

~Native Americans once called them “star berries,” because the five points of blueberry blossoms make a star shape.

~Blueberries were commonly used by Native Americans to make pemmican, a jerky type of dried food packed for sustenance on long journeys.

~Early colonists made gray paint out of blueberries by boiling them in milk.  The traditional blue paint used in the homes of Shakers was made from blueberry skins, sage blossoms, indigo, and milk.

~During the Civil War of the 1860s, blueberries were collected, packaged, and sent to Union troops for use as a food staple.

~Minnesota has the blueberry muffin as its official state muffin and New Jersey has the berry as its official state fruit.  Blueberries are also the official berries of Nova Scotia, Canada.   (from FunFacts)

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “There is no doubt about precisely when folks began racing each other in automobiles. It was the day they built the second automobile.” ― Richard Petty

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“None of us got where we are solely by pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. We got here because somebody – a parent, a teacher, an Ivy League crony or a few nuns – bent down and helped us pick up our boots.” ― Thurgood Marshall

 

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