Jokes & Trivia for September 11, 2013

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 11th – WEDNESDAY

254th day of 2013 with 111 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Patriot Day

*National Hot Cross Bun Day

*9/11 Remembrance

*Emergency Number Day

*Make Your Bed Day

*No News is Good News Day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1816 Carl Zeiss, German optical instrument maker (Founder of Zeiss company to make optical scopes & binoculars & camera lens)
  • 1862 O. Henry (William Sydney Porter), Greensboro, North Carolina, author (The Gift of the Magi, The Ransom of Red Chief, A Retrieved Reformation)
  • 1877 James Hopwood Jeans, Ormskirk, Lancashire, England, scientist (Rayleigh–Jeans law, Astronomer Royal)
  • 1865 D. H. Lawrence, English author (The Lost Girl, Lady Chatterley’s Lover, Twilight in Italy & Other Essays, Sea & Sardinia)
  • 1900 D. W. Brooks, Royston, Georgia, farmer and businessman (founded Gold Kist chicken producing company)
  • 1913 Paul “Bear” Bryant, Fordyce Arkansas, football player and head coach of University of Alabama for 25 years (6 national championships, 13 conference championships)
  • 1924 Tom Landry, Mission, Texas, football player and coach for Dallas Cowboys (2 Super Bowl titles, 5 NFC titles, 13 Divisional titles)
  • 1928 Earl Holliman, Delhi, Louisiana, actor (The Big Combo, The Sons of Katie Elder )
  • 1928 William X. Kienzle, Detroit, Michigan, Catholic priest and author (The Rosary Murders, Bishop as Pawn, The Gathering)
  • 1937 Robert Crippen, Beaumont, Texas, retired USN Captain, astronaut (4 Space Shuttle missions/ 3 as commander / STS-1, STS-7, STS-41-C, STS-41-G)
  • 1939 Charles Geschke, Cleveland, Ohio, inventor and businessman (co-founder w/ John Warnock of Adobe Systems Inc)
  • 1940 Robert Palmer, American businessman (co-founded Mostek, integrated circuit manufacturer)
  • 1950 Amy Madigan, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Field of Dreams, Carnivale, Twice in a Lifetime)
  • 1958 Roxann Dawson, Los Angeles, California, actress (B’Elanna Torres on Star Trek: Voyager)
  • 1959 Andre Dubus III, Oceanside, California, author (House of Sand and Fog, Townie, The Garden of Last Days)
  • 1960 Anne Ramsay, Los Angeles County, California, actress (Mad About You )
  • 1962 Kristy McNichol, Los Angeles, actress (Apple’s Way, Family, Little Darlings, The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia)
  • 1970 Taraji P. Henson, Washington, D.C., actress and singer (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button)
  • 1979 Ariana Richards, Healdsburg, California, actress (Prancer, Tremors, Jurassic Park)
  • 1987 Tyler Hoechlin, Corona, California, actor (Road to Perdition, 7th Heaven, Teen Wolf)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” – Theodore Roosevelt

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1609 Manhattan Island and the indigenous people living there are discovered by Henry Hudson.
  • 1786 The Beginning of the Annapolis Convention.
  • 1789 Alexander Hamilton is appointed the first United States Secretary of the Treasury.
  • 1792 The Hope Diamond is stolen along with other French crown jewels when six men break into the house used to store them.
  • 1847 Stephen Foster’s well-known song, Oh! Susanna, is first performed at a saloon in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
  • 1857 Mormon settlers and Paiutes massacre 120 pioneers at Mountain Meadows, Utah, in what became known as The Mountain Meadows massacre.
  • 1919 U.S. Marines invade Honduras.
  • 1940 The first remote operation of a computer is done by George Stibitz.
  • 1941 Ground is broken for the construction of The Pentagon.
  • 1961 Foundation of the World Wildlife Fund.
  • 1978 U.S. President Jimmy Carter, President Anwar Sadat of Egypt, and Prime Minister Menachem Begin of Israel meet at Camp David and agree on the Camp David Accords a framework for peace between Israel and Egypt and a comprehensive peace in the Middle East.
  • 1978 Janet Parker is the last person to die of smallpox, in a laboratory-associated outbreak.
  • 1985 Pete Rose breaks Ty Cobb’s baseball record for most career hits with his 4,192nd hit.
  • 1997 NASA’s Mars Global Surveyor reaches Mars.
  • 2001 Three hijacked aircraft are deliberately crashed into the twin World Trade Center towers in New York City and the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, in a co-ordinated attack which became known as “9/11”. Another hijacked airliner in the same attack crashes in a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Nearly 3,000 people are killed.
  • 2012  The U.S. embassy in Benghazi, Libya is attacked, resulting in four deaths, including J. Christopher Stevens, the United States Ambassador to Libya.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Tech Support Funny

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and as I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, “Who’s there?”

“UPS, ma’am. I have a package that needs a signature.”

“Where’s the package?” I asked suspiciously.

The delivery man held it up.

“Could I see some ID?” I said, still not convinced.

“Lady,” he replied wearily, “if I wanted to break into your house, I’d probably just use these.” And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: Signs

~ On a Scientist’s door: “Gone Fission”.

~ On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

~ Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

~ At a Music Store: “Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.”

~ On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”

~ On the door of a Music Library: “Bach in a min-u-et.”

~ In a Podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”

~ On another Butcher’s window: “Pleased to meat you.”

~ Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

~ In a Beauty Shop: “Dye now!”

~ On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”

~ In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. For years, I’ve been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where I work.”

“How much did you take?”

“Enough to build my own house and my son’s house. And houses for my two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”

“This is very serious. I’ll have to think of a far-reaching penance for you. Have you ever done a retreat?”

“No, Father, I haven’t. But if you have the blueprints, I can get the lumber.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Original World Trade Center

World_Trade_Center-March_2001

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them.

The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him — and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers.

Yep! That’s what he gets for snorting quack.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Irate customer to Post Office clerk: “I went out this morning and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I’ll have you know my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!”

“I’m terribly sorry, madam. Here’s your package.”

“Oh good! We’ve been waiting for this for ages!”

“What is it, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“It’s my husband’s new hearing aid.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The trooper stops a car that’s swerving all over the road. “Step out of the car. I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t. You see, I have very bad asthma, and blowing into that thing can set off an attack.”

“All right. Then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“I can’t do that either. I’m a hemophiliac. If a wound is opened I could bleed to death.”

“Okay. I will need a urine sample.”

“Sorry, I also have diabetes. That could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine. So just get out of the car and walk a straight line for me.”

“I can’t do that either.”

“Why in the world not??!”

“Because I’m drunk!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A old snake goes to see his doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes. Can’t see well these days.” The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.

The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem — didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I’ve been married to a water hose the past two years!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: “Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.” – Joey Bishop

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” – Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *