July 14, 2014

Gratitude is the least of the virtues, but ingratitude is the worst of vices. – Thomas Fuller

TODAY – JULY 14th – MONDAY

195th day of 2014 with 170 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* Bastille Day

* Pandemonium Day

* National Nude Day

* National Macaroni Day

* National Grand Marnier Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1857 Frederick L. Maytag, Elgin, Illinois, founded Maytag washing machine company
  • 1903 Irving Stone, San Francisco, California, author (Love is Eternal, Lust for Life)
  • 1906 Tom Carvel, Greek-born American businessman and inventor (invention of soft ice cream; founder of Carvel brand and franchise; considered father of modern franchising in the U.S.)
  • 1910 William Hanna, Melrose, New Mexico, animator (Hanna-Barbera)
  • 1912 “Woodie” Guthrie, Okemah, Oklahoma, folk singer (This Land Is Your Land)
  • 1913 Gerald R Ford [Leslie King], Omaha, Nebraska, 41st VP (1973-74), 38th president (1974-77)
  • 1918 Jay Wright Forrester, Anselmo, Nebraska, computer pioneer (invented random-access magnetic core memory)
  • 1921 Geoffrey Wilkinson, English chemist (Nobel; pioneered inorganic chemistry and homogeneous transition metal catalysis)
  • 1930 Polly Bergen, Knoxville, Tennessee, actress / singer / entrepreneur (Cape Fear, Kisses for My President, The Winds of War, War and Remembrance, Commander-in-Chief; Polly Bergen cosmetics)
  • 1932 Roosevelt “Rosie” Grier, Cuthbert, Georgia, football player and actor (PA State University/National Collegiate Athletic Association 100th anniversary list of 100 most influential student athletes. Pro/ member of Fearsome Foursome of the Los Angeles Rams, Pro Bowl twice. Bodyguard during 1968 presidential campaign for Ethel Kennedy. Unable to prevent Robert F. Kennedy assassination, but took control of the gun and subdued the shooter, Sirhan Sirhan.)
  • 1939 Sid Haig, Fresno, California,actor (Batman, Star Trek, Mission: Impossible, Gunsmoke, The Rockford Files, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Fantasy Island, Sledge Hammer!, The A-Team, The Fall Guy, and MacGyver )
  • 1952 Franklin Graham, Asheville, North Carolina, evangelist (president/CEO Billy Graham Evangelistic Association (BGEA) & Samaritan’s Purse)
  • 1960 Jane Lynch, Dolton, Illinois, actress, comedian and singer (Glee, Rio, Wreck-It Ralph, Escape from Planet Earth)
  • 1961 Jackie Earle Haley, Northridge, California, actor (Breaking Away, The Bad News Bears, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Human Target)
  • 1966 Juliet Cesario, actress (You’re Under Arrest, Oh! My Goddess )
  • 1966 Brian Selznick, East Brunswick, New Jersey, author and illustrator for children’s books (The Invention of Hugo Cabret, The Dinosaurs of Waterhouse Hawkins)
  • 1966 Matthew Fox, Crowheart, Wyoming, actor (Party of Five, Lost )
  • 1970 Nina Siemaszko, Chicago, Illinois, actress (More Tales of the City, The West Wing)
  • 1979 Scott Porter, Omaha, Nebraska, actor and singer (Friday Night Lights, Bandslam, The Good Wife, Hart of Dixie)
  • 1989 Sean Flynn, Los Angeles, California, actor (Zoey 101 )

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The only way to do great work is to love what you do. – Steve Jobs

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1769 An expedition led by Gaspar de Portolà establishes a base in California and sets out to find the Port of Monterey (now Monterey, California).
  • 1789 Bastille Day: citizens of Paris storm Bastille prison.
  • 1850 First public demonstration of ice made by refrigeration.
  • 1867 Alfred Nobel demonstrated dynamite for the first time at a quarry in Redhill, Surrey.
  • 1868 Tape measure enclosed in a circular case patented in US by AJ Fellows of New Haven, Connecticut.
  • 1914 First patent for liquid-fueled rocket design granted to Dr. Robert H. Goddard. (His first rocket reached a height of 12.5 metres.)
  • 1943 In Joplin, Missouri, the George Washington Carver National Monument becomes the first United States National Monument in honor of an African American.
  • 1965 The Mariner 4 flyby of Mars takes the first close-up photos of another planet.
  • 1969 The United States $500, $1,000, $5,000 and $10,000 bills are officially withdrawn from circulation.
  • 1992 386BSD is released by Lynne Jolitz and William Jolitz beginning the Open Source Operating System Revolution. Linus Torvalds release his Linux soon afterwards.
  • 2000 A powerful solar flare, later named the Bastille Day event, causes a geomagnetic storm on Earth.
  • 2002 French President Jacques Chirac escapes an assassination attempt unscathed during Bastille Day celebrations.

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One day the zoo-keeper noticed that “Cheech” the orangatang was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked him, “Why are you reading both those books/’

”Well,” said the orangatang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

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A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning”.

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, “Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister”.

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ONE-LINERS: Signs You’re Part of the Modern Age

– You try to enter your password on the microwave.

– You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”

– You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

– You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

– You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back “What’s for dinner?”

– Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

– You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

– You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

– Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

– You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

– The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

– Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

– You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

– Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

– You hear most of your jokes via ezines instead of in person.

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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?”

The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.”

She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?”

Again he went through his tables.

“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

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pic of the day: Turtle, Opossum, and Frog On the Porch


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

It was Ferdinand Feghoot who, in 3312, first proved that fish were highly intelligent and that men could converse with them. He was accorded the honor of signing the ensuing Treaty of Peace, Amity, Commerce, and Navigation, which was also endorsed by an imposing elderly shark.

“I spent seventeen months eavesdropping on fish conversations and analyzing their language,” he told reporters after the ceremony. “Then I slipped overboard with my SCUBA gear, and asked for their leader. They took me to the Generalissimo here, and I’ll never forget my first sight of him, completely at ease in the lovely blue water, with that busy little fish hovering right by his head all the time. He received me most courteously in spite of my abominable accent. Why, he was so polite and so tactful that it was almost a week before I realized that he is as deaf as a post.”

“But, how could he understand you?” asked the reporters.

“That’s simple,” said Ferdinand Feghoot. “The little fish is his herring aide.”

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A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?”

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”

“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you a Christian?”

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, “Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.”

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, “Are you lost?”

“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.

“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.” Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days.”

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GOLDEN OLDIE… When the power mower broke and wouldn’t run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make my point.

When my husband arrived home the next day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush.
When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalks”

The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the casts come off.

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I asked my second grade students to write about something exciting they did that summer, then to draw a picture to
illustrate it. One student proudly presented his account of a ride on a roller coaster, but he hadn’t drawn a
picture.

When I asked why he hadn’t done this, he declared, “I couldn’t: I didn’t see anything because my eyes were closed.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money. – Abigail Van Buren

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