July 16, 2014

All that we behold is full of blessings. – William Wordsworth

TODAY – JULY 16th – WEDNESDAY

197th day of 2014 with 168 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Corn Fritters Day

*Fresh Spinach Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1722 Joseph Wilton, London, English sculptor (one of the founding members of the Royal Academy)
  • 1731 Samuel Huntington, Windham, Connecticut, patriot & politician (3rd Governor of Connecticut, signer of the Declaration of Independence)
  • 1821 Mary Baker Eddy, Bow, New Hampshire, author (Science & Health with Key to the Scriptures), founder of Christian Science religion
  • 1872 Roald Amundsen, Norwegian explorer (led Antarctic expedition to discover South Pole)
  • 1907 Barbara Stanwyck, Brooklyn, New York, actress (Night Nurse, Union Pacific, The Lady Eve, The Big Valley, The Thorn Birds)
  • 1907 Orville Redenbacher, Brazil, Indiana, businessman (popcorn!)
  • 1911 Ginger Rogers, Independence, Missouri, actress, dancer (Fred Astaire’s dancing partner in 10 films, Kitty Foyle, Lady in the Dark, Storm Warning)
  • 1926 Irwin Rose, Brooklyn, New York, biologist (Nobel / ubiquitin-mediated protein degradation)
  • 1936 Buddy Merrill, Torrey, Utah, musician (The Lawrence Welk Show)
  • 1943 Jimmy Johnson, Port Arthur, Texas, football coach (Oklahoma State University, University of Miami, Dallas Cowboys, Miami Dolphins), Fox NFL Sunday analyst
  • 1946 Richard LeParmentier, Pennsylvania, British actor (Admiral Motti in Star Wars IV: A New Hope; Santino in Who Framed Roger Rabbit; Superman II, Octopussy)
  • 1956 Jerry Doyle, Brooklyn, New York, talk radio host / actor (The Jerry Doyle Show / Michael Garibaldi on Babylon 5)
  • 1958 Michael Flatley, Irish-American dancer, choreographer, and actor (Riverdance, Lord of the Dance, Celtic Tiger)
  • 1967 Will Ferrell, Irvine, California, comedian (Elf, Anchorman, Talledega Nights, Blades of Glory, Megamind)
  • 1963 Phoebe Cates, NYC, New York, actress (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Gremlins)
  • 1968 Larry Sanger, Bellevue, Washington, philosopher, co-founder of Wikipedia, founder of Citizendium
  • 1969 Daryl Mitchell, The Bronx, New York, actor (The John Larroquette Show, Veronica’s Closet, Ed)
  • 1971 Corey Feldman, Los Angeles, California, actor (Friday the 13th, The Goonies, The Lost Bogs, Gremlins, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
  • 1979 Jayma Mays, Bristol, Tennessee, actress (Glee, Ugly Betty, Heroes, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, The Smurfs)
  • 1987 Andrew James Allen, Redmond, Washington, actor (The Lovely Bones, Hyena, Smiley)
  • 1990 James Maslow, New York City, New York, singer and actor (Big Time Rush, Big Time Movie)
  • 1991 Randall Bentley, Marietta, Georgia, actor (Heroes, Love’s Unfolding Dream)
  • 1994 Mark Indelicato, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, singer and actor (Ugly Betty )

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“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” ― Oscar Wilde

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1769 Father Junipero Serra founds California’s first mission, Mission San Diego de Alcalá. Over the following decades, it evolves into the city of San Diego.
  • 1779 American Revolutionary War: light infantry of the Continental Army seize a fortified British Army position in a midnight bayonet attack at the Battle of Stony Point.
  • 1790 District of Columbia established as the capital of the United States after signature of the Residence Act.
  • 1861 By order of President Abraham Lincoln, Union troops begin a 25 mile march into Virginia during the Civil War for what became The First Battle of Bull Run, the first major land battle of the war.
  • 1862 David Farragut is promoted to rear admiral during The Civil War, becoming the first officer in United States Navy to hold an admiral rank.
  • 1927 Augusto César Sandino leads a raid on U.S. Marines and Nicaraguan Guardia Nacional that had been sent to apprehend him in the village of Ocotal, but is repulsed by one of the first dive-bombing attacks in history.
  • 1931 Emperor Haile Selassie I signs the first constitution of Ethiopia.
  • 1935 The world’s first parking meter is installed in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
  • 1941 Joe DiMaggio hits safely for the 56th consecutive game, a streak that still stands as a MLB record.
  • 1956 Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus closes its very last “Big Tent” show in Pittsburgh, due to changing economics all subsequent circus shows will be held in arenas.
  • 1957 United States Marine major John Glenn flies a F8U Crusader supersonic jet from California to New York in 3 hours, 23 minutes and 8 seconds, setting a new transcontinental speed record.
  • 1960 USS George Washington a modified Skipjack class submarine successfully test fires the first ballistic missile while submerged.
  • 1965 The Mont Blanc Tunnel linking France and Italy opens.
  • 1969 Apollo 11, the first manned space mission to land on the Moon, is launched from the Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral, Florida.
  • 1973 Watergate Scandal: former White House aide Alexander P. Butterfield informs the United States Senate that President Richard Nixon had secretly recorded potentially incriminating conversations.
  • 1999 John F. Kennedy, Jr., piloting a Piper Saratoga aircraft, dies when his plane crashes into the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard. His wife Carolyn Bessette Kennedy and sister-in-law Lauren Bessette are also killed.
  • 2004 Millennium Park, considered Chicago’s first and most ambitious early 21st century architectural project, is opened to the public by Mayor Richard M. Daley.

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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched. (A little sarcasm perhaps?)

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A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4:00 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they got a verdict yet?”

The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”

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ONE-LINERS:
~ I am becoming increasingly worried and concerned that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life.
~ What you do today you’ve got to sleep with tonight.
~ As you climb the ladder of success, check occasionally to make sure it is leaning against the right wall.
~ Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
~ You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
~ Two things are hard on the heart: Running upstairs and running down people.
~ It’s not about then. It’s about now, now, now, now, and now. The more “nows” you have, the more “thens” you can look back on.
~ Enthusiasm is contagious, but hype is a disease.
~ A lot of people have heard opportunity knocking at the door, but by the time they unlocked the chain, pushed back the bolt, turned two locks, and shut off the burglar alarm, it was gone.

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The Sunday school teacher was explaining the story of the Prophet Elijah and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. “And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.”

“Now,” said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”

A girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. “To make the gravy!”

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Lawyer Jokes

Q: What do you get for a friend who is graduating from Law School?
A: A Lobotomy.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: How else do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
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pic of the day: Church sign – Just so you know..

picture of sign
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PUN ZONE! Van Gogh’s Family Tree . . .
– His dizzy aunt – Verti Gogh
– The brother who ate prunes – Gotta Gogh
– The brother who worked at a convenience store – Stop an Gogh
– The grandfather from Yugoslavia – U Gogh
– The cousin from Illinois – Chica Gogh
– His magician uncle – Where-diddy Gogh
– His Mexican cousin – A mee Gogh
– The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother – Ring Gogh
– The nephew who drove a stage coach – Wells-far Gogh
– The constipated uncle – Cant Gogh
– The ballroom dancing aunt – Tang Gogh
– The bird lover uncle – Flaming Gogh
– His nephew psychoanalyst – E Gogh
– The fruit loving cousin – Man Gogh
– An aunt who taught positive thinking – Way-to Gogh
– The little bouncy nephew – Poe Gogh
– A sister who loved disco – Go Gogh
– And his niece who traveled the country in a van – Winnie Bay Gogh
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NEWS FLASH: Friday evening. A notorious murderer has just escaped from Texas State Prison. Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs, but report any sightings to their nearest police station.

NEWS FLASH: Saturday afternoon. The convict who escaped from Texas State Prison late Friday evening is safely back in custody after surrendering himself to police early this morning.

When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, the con replied, “When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was, ‘Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago’.”

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How To Ask A Man To Do Something . . . Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use “would you” or “will you” instead of “you’d better” or “do as I say and no one will get hurt.”

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The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when his girl sent him a “Dear John” letter, breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: “Regret cannot remember which one is you – please keep your photo and return the others.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Whatever it is!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart. – Henry Clay

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