July 24, 2014

Either you run the day, or the day runs you. ­- Jim Rohn

TODAY – JULY 24th – THURSDAY

205th day of 2014 with 160 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Cousins Day

*Amelia Earhart Day

*National Tequila Day

*Tell an Old Joke Day

*Blow Your Mind Day

*Pioneer Day in Utah

*National Drive-Thru Day

* National Pop a Wheelie Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1783 Simon Bolivar, Venezuelan military and political leader (key in Hispanic-Spanish America’s struggle for independence from Spanish Empire)
  • 1802 Alexandre Dumas, French writer (Count of Monte Cristo, The Three Musketeers)
  • 1851 Friedrich Schottky, Breslau, Germany, German mathematician (Known for Schottky problem)
  • 1874 Oswald Chambers, Scottish minister, author (My Utmost for His Highest)
  • 1895 Robert Graves, English author (First World War, Goodbye to All That, The White Goddess, The Twelve Caesars, I Claudius)
  • 1897 Amelia Earhart, Atchison, Kansas, aviation pioneer (first aviatrix to fl solo across Atlantic Ocean)
  • 1916 Bob Eberly, Mechanicville, New York, singer with the Jimmy Dorsey Band and Helen O’Connell
  • 1916 John D. MacDonald, Sharon, Pennsylvania, author (Travis McGee series; The Executioners (movie title: Cape Fear), Ballroom of the Skies, A Flash of Green)
  • 1933 John Aniston, Chania, Crete, Greece, American actor, father of Jennifer Aniston (Days of our Lives)
  • 1936 Ruth Buzzi, Westerly, Rhode Island, actress / comedienne (Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In)
  • 1936 Mark Goddard, Lowell, Massachusetts, actor (Major Don West in Lost In Space; The Detectives)
  • 1944 Jim Armstrong, Belfast, Co Antrim, bassist and singer
  • 1945 Linda Harrison, Berlin, Maryland, Actress (Planet of the Apes franchise )
  • 1947 Robert Hays, Bethesda, Maryland, actor (Airplane!)
  • 1951 Lynda Carter, Phoenix, Arizona, actress (The New Original Wonder Woman)
  • 1957 Pam Tillis, Plant City, Florida, country music singer
  • 1963 Paul Geary, Medford, Massachusetts, musician (co-founder and drummer of the Funk metal band, Extreme )
  • 1968 Laura Leighton, Iowa City, Iowa, actress (Melrose Place)
  • 1969 Jennifer Lopez, The Bronx, New York, singer / actress (The Cell, The Wedding Planner, Maid in Manhattan, What to Expect When You’re Expecting)
  • 1975 Eric Szmanda, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, actor (Greg Sanders on CSI)
  • 1987 Mara Wilson, Los Angeles, California, actress (Mrs. Doubtfire, Miracle on 34th Street)

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“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1814 War of 1812: General Phineas Riall advances toward the Niagara River to halt Jacob Brown’s American invaders.
  • 1847 After 17 months of travel, Brigham Young leads 148 Mormon pioneers into Salt Lake Valley, resulting in the establishment of Salt Lake City. Celebrations of this event include the Pioneer Day Utah state holiday and the Days of ’47 Parade.
  • 1864 Battle of Kernstown during the American Civil War: Confederate General Jubal Anderson Early defeats Union troops led by General George Crook in an effort to keep them out of the Shenandoah Valley.
  • 1866 Tennessee becomes the first U.S. State to be readmitted to the Union following the American Civil War.
  • 1901 O. Henry is released from prison in Austin, Texas after serving three years for embezzlement from a bank.
  • 1910 The Ottoman Empire captures the city of Shkodër, putting down the Albanian Revolt of 1910.
  • 1929 The Kellogg-Briand Pact, renouncing war as an instrument of foreign policy, goes into effect (it is first signed in Paris on August 27, 1928 by most leading world powers).
  • 1950 Cape Canaveral Air Force Station begins operations with the launch of a Bumper rocket.
  • 1959 At the opening of the American National Exhibition in Moscow, U.S. Vice President Richard Nixon and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev have a “Kitchen Debate”.
  • 1969 Apollo 11 splashes down safely in the Pacific Ocean.
  • 1974 Watergate scandal: the United States Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon did not have the authority to withhold subpoenaed White House tapes and they order him to surrender the tapes to the Watergate special prosecutor.
  • 1977 End of a four day long Libyan-Egyptian War.
  • 2005 Lance Armstrong wins his seventh consecutive Tour de France.
  • 2009 The MV Arctic Sea, reportedly carrying a cargo of timber, is allegedly hijacked in the North Sea by pirates, but much speculation remains as to the actual cargo and events.

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Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: “Danger! Do Not Touch!”

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: “Danger! Do Not Touch!”

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Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They stopped in front of Flaherty’s house still singing. After a few minutes, the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, “Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else?!”

“Are you Mrs. Flaherty?” asks one of the drunks.

“You know I am,” she says.

“Well, can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two can go home?”

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ONE-LINERS: Cats & Dogs. . .

I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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A couple of young boys are fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumps out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys throws his rod down and takes off through the woods. The Game Warden is hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stops and stoops over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally catches up to him.

“Let’s see yer fishin’ license!” the Warden gasps triumphantly.

The boy pulls out his wallet and hands the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

“Son, you’re about as dumb as a box of rocks. You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”

“Yessir. But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”

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pic of the day: Horses in the Amish Countryside

picture of fields and horses
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“I have to go to the paint store.”

“Painting your house?”

“No, I’m on a diet.”

“What do they have at a paint store that’ll help with a diet?”

“I hear you can get thinner there.”

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When I arrived home from work, my wife told me to go check out our five-year-old son’s bed. When I entered his room I saw that his bed had collapsed and the mattress was sitting on the floor.

“What happened?” I asked him.

He responded, “God did it.”

I went back to tell my wife. She said that when she had heard the crash, she ran into his room saying, “Oh God, what have you done now?”

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I made up the signs for my mother’s yard sale. One of the posters read, “SENIOR CITIZENS’ SALE.”

A passing motorist stopped and said, “I’ll take two if they babysit.”
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Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea.”

Churchill’s retort: “Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.”
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “The greatest thing about the internet is that you can quote
something and just totally make up the source.” – Benjamin Franklin

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “Never forget that life can only be noble inspired and rightly lived if you take it bravely and gallantly, as a splendid adventure in which you are setting out into an unknown country, to face many a danger, to meet many a joy, to find many a comrade, to win and lose many a battle.” ­ – Annie Besant

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