July 7, 2014

It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. – Abraham Lincoln

TODAY – JUNE 7th – MONDAY

188th day of 2014 with 177 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Macaroni Day

*National Strawberry Sundae Day

*Chocolate Day

*National Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day

*National Cell Phone Courtesy Month

*National Ice Cream Month

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1752 Joseph-Marie Jacquard, France, merchant who invented programmable loom
  • 1843 Camillo Golgi, Italy, physician, cytologist (Nobel / staining nerve cells – Golgi’s stain)
  • 1861 Nettie Maria Stevens, Cavendish, Vermont, cell biologist and geneticist (one of 1st scientist to find sex is determined by presence or absence of X chromosome)
  • 1880 Otto Frederick Rohwedder,  Des Moines, Iowa, engineer (invented automatic bread-slicing machine)
  • 1906 Satchel Paige, Mobile, Alabama, right-handed pitcher & oldest rookie to play major league baseball (Baseball Hall of Fame 1971)
  • 1907 Robert A Heinlein, Butler, Missouri, sci-fi author (The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, Red Planet, Stranger in a Strange Land, Starship Troopers)
  • 1915 Margaret Walker, Birmingham, Alabama, author and poet (Jubilee, For My People)
  • 1919 Jon Pertwee, British actor (3rd incarnation of Dr. Who)
  • 1927 Carl (Doc) Severinson, composer/bandleader/trumpeter (Tonight Show w/Johnny Carson)
  • 1931 David Eddings, Spokane, Washington, author (The Belgariad, The Elenium, The Dreamers)
  • 1940 Ringo Starr, Beatles’ drummer/actor (The Magic Christian, Blindman, Son of Dracula, Caveman)
  • 1941 Nancy Farmer, Phoenix, Arizona, author (The Sea of Trolls trilogy, A Girl Named Disaster, The Land of Silver Apples)
  • 1944 Ian Wilmut, English embryologist (Supervised team that produced 1st mammal cloned from cell of an adult, Dolly the sheep)
  • 1946 Joe Spano, San Francisco, California, actor (Hill Street Blues, FBI Special Agent Tobias Fornell on NCIS)
  • 1949 Shelley Duvall, Houston, Texas, actress (Popeye, Rocketman, The Shining, Casper Meets Wendy)
  • 1961 Eric Jerome Dickey, Memphis, Tennessee, author (Gideon series, Liars Game, Thieves’ Paradise, Decadence)
  • 1968 Jeff VanderMeer, Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, author (City of Saints and Madmen, Shriek: An Afterword, Predator: South China Seas, Southern Reach Trilogy)
  • 1968 Jorja Fox, NYC, actress (ER,  CSI, Unity)
  • 1971 Christian Camargo, New York City, NY, actor (Dexter, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Haven)
  • 1972 Kirsten Vangsness, Pasadena, California, actress (Criminal Minds, Kill Me Deadly, Vampire Mob)
  • 1980 Michelle Kwan, Torrance, California, figure skater (Championships: 5 World, 9 U.S.; Olympics: 1998 silver, 2002 Bronze)

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Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never. – Winston Churchill

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1846 US begins annexation of California.
  • 1863 1st military draft by US (exemptions cost $100)
  • 1898 US annexes Hawaii.
  • 1930 Construction begins on Boulder (Hoover) Dam
  • 1941 US forces land in Iceland to forestall Nazi invasion
  • 1946 Mother Frances Xavier Cabrini canonized as 1st American saint
  • 1947 Downed UFO believed to be found in the Roswell UFO incident.
  • 1958 President Eisenhower signs Alaska statehood bill
  • 1978 Solomon Islands gains independence from Britain (National Day).
  • 1981 President Ronald Reagan appoints Sandra Day O’Connor to become the first female member of the Supreme Court of the United States.
  • 1985 Boris Becker becomes the youngest player ever to win Wimbledon at age 17.
  • 2003 NASA Opportunity rover, MER-B or Mars Exploration Rover – B, was launched into space aboard a Delta II rocket.

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Interviewer: “Tell me your choice. I can either ask you ten easy questions or ONE very difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind.”
“Ummm … I’d like one very difficult question.”
“You have made your own choice. Good luck to you. Tell me: Which comes first, Day or Night?”
“The day, sir.”
“And how did you reach that conclusion?” [thinking, “I got you!”]
“Sorry, sir, I can’t answer that. I only said I’d answer ONE difficult question.”

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One morning, Arnie went to see his doctor and told him that he hadn’t been feeling at all well. The doctor examined Arnie, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
Looking at Arnie he says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “My word, Doc!  Exactly what is my problem?”

The doctor replied, “Arnie, you’re not drinking enough water.”

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ONE-LINERS:

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

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Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, you’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence!” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins
baseball team.”

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You, sir, are the father of triplets.”

“Wow, that’s really an incredible coincidence” he answered. “I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.”

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

“Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”

After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

“I should have never taken that job at 7-Up.
I should have never taken that job at 7-Up.
I should have never taken that job at 7-Up…”

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pic of the day:


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place.
Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.
When he did, Winston complained bitterly, “Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in.”
The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, “Don’t worry, its just a bit of crackling.”

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A woman ordered a new stove from a retailer. However, the stove was delivered while the woman was at work one day.

When the woman got home, she noticed that the new stove had been installed and her old stove was missing. She frantically called the retailer and asked, “Where is my old stove?”

The retailer replied that she just had a new one delivered to her. The woman asked again “Where is my old stove?”

The retailer replied. “Your new stove has all the latest features” and he proceeded to list them all.

The woman interrupted “Where is my old stove?”

The retailer concerned and bewildered asked the woman why she wanted to know where her old stove was.

The woman replied in anguish ” My dinner is in the oven!”

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golden oldie… An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

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As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”
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An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.
“Flaps, check,” he says to the co-pilot, “Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we’re going in. Hold on.”
The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.
“Holy Cow!” exclaims the pilot, “This must be the shortest runway I’ve ever landed on!” The co-pilot looks left and right and says “Yeah, and about the widest, too…

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS! Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. – Dalai Lama

Thought for the day. . .

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