June 2, 2014

Do not take anything for granted ­ not one smile or one person or one rainbow or one breath, or one night in your cozy bed. – Terri Guillemets

TODAY – JUNE 2nd – MONDAY

153rd day of 2014 with 212 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Bubba Day

*National Rocky Road Ice Cream Day

*Yell “Fudge” At the Cobras in North America Day

*Aquarium Month
*Candy Month

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1731 Martha Washington, Williamsburg, Virginia, 1st American First Lady
  • 1840 Thomas Hardy, English writer (Tess of the d’Urbervilles, Far from the Madding Crowd)
  • 1904 John Weissmuller, Romanian born swimmer/ actor (Tarzan)/100m swimmer (Olympic-gold-1924, 28)
  • 1907 Edwin J. Shoemaker, Monroe County, Michigan, inventor and engineer (created the recliner chair & started La-Z-Boy furniture company)
  • 1913 Barbara Pym, English romantic author (Very Private Eye)
  • 1915 Walter Tetley, New York, New York, voice actor (radio, animated cartoons – Sherman in “Mr. Peabody” cartoons)
  • 1930 Charles Pete Conrad Jr, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USN/astronaut (3rd man to walk on moon/ Gemini 5 & 11, Apollo 12, Skylab 2)
  • 1935 Carol Shields, Oak Park, Illinois, author (The Stone Diaries, Larry’s Party, Unless)
  • 1937 Sally Kellerman, Oak Beach, California, actress (Maj. Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan/M*A*S*H; Star Trek “Where No Man Has Gone Before”)
  • 1941 Stacy Keach, Savannah, Georgia, actor (The Long Riders, Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer, narration Nova, National Geographic, etc.)
  • 1948 Jerry Mathers, Sioux City, Iowa, actor (Beaver on Leave It To Beaver)
  • 1960 Kyle Petty, Randleman, North Carolina, NASCAR race car driver
  • 1972 Wayne Brady, Orlando, Florida, actor and comedian (Who’s Line is it Anyway, Don’t Forget the Lyrics, Let’s Make A Deal)
  • 1977 Zachary Quinto, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, actor (Sylar/Heroes; Spock/Star Trek 2009)
  • 1982 Jewel Staite, Canadian actress (Kaylee Frye/Firefly & Serenity; Dr. Jennifer Keller/ SG Atlantis)
  • 1990 Brittany Curran, Boston, Massachusetts, actress and singer (Pamela / Go Figure, Chelsea Brimmer / The Suite Life of Zack & Cody)

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Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. – John Lennon

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1835 P.T. Barnum & his circus begin first tour of US.
  • 1857 James Gibbs of Mill Point, Virginia, patents chain-stitch single-thread sewing machine.
  • 1886 Grover Cleveland is first to wed during presidency (Frances Folsom).
  • 1896 Guglielmo Marconi receives a patent for his newest invention: the radio.
  • 1924 US citizenship granted to all American Indians (President Calvin Coolidge signs Indian Citizenship Act into law).
  • 1928 Kraft’s Velveeta Cheese was invented. It was packaged using the 1921 invention of a tinfoil lining that could house the cheese inside a wooden box.
  • 1954 First test of a VTOL airplane takes place when a Convair XFY-1 Pogo demonstrated a vertical takeoff and landing.
  • 1966 US Surveyor 1 lands in Oceanus Procellarum; 1st lunar soft-landing.
  • 1979 John Paul II becomes 1st pope to visit a communist country (Poland).
  • 2003 European Space Agency’s Mars Express probe launches for voyage to Mars
  • 2004 Ken Jennings begins his 74-game winning streak on the syndicated game show Jeopardy!.

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Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

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While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell “piranha.”

I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.

That’s when I overheard another pupil say to him, “Why bother to look it up? She doesn’t know how to spell it anyway.”

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ONE-LINERS: Bumper Stickers

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots…. and I married their king.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

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A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home in the summer near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security (pension) check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?!” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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pic of the day:Going Squirreley

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:”A beer please, and one for the road.”
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

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Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick nose into other people’s business.

Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.

She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town’s only bar all afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home ….and left it there all night.

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Top Ten Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth’s axis.

7. Right this minute you’re laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World’s fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to “back off!”

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You’re sweatin’ gravy.

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Bubba is at the police station being interviewed. One of the officers says, “You say you were with your cousins when one of them shot you. Would you care to state what happened?”
“Well, We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, derennyya fellas wanna go huntin’?'”
“And then what happened?”
“From what I remember … I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.'”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Whatever it is!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Did it ever occur to you that tether ball is really just a cat toy for people?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
There is no such thing as gratitude unexpressed. If it is unexpressed, it is plain, old-fashioned ingratitude. – Robert Brault

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