June 20, 2014

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky

TODAY – JUNE 20th -FRIDAY

171st day of 2014 with 194 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Ice Cream Soda Day

*National Vanilla Milkshake Day

*Take Your Dog to Work Day (Friday after Father’s Day)

*West Virginia Day

*World Refugee Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1861 Frederick Gowland Hopkins, Eastbourne, Sussex , English biochemist (Nobel / the discovery of vitamins)
  • 1894 Lloyd Hall, Elgin, Illinois, chemist, contributed to the science of food preservation (amassed 59 U.S. patents)
  • 1909 Errol Flynn, Australian actor (Captain Blood, Robin Hood, Against All Flags)
  • 1924 Audie Murphy, Kingston, Texas, WWII hero/actor (Destry, Joe Butterfly)
  • 1924 Chet Atkins, Luttrell, Tennessee, guitarist (Me & My Guitar) / producer
  • 1928 Martin Landau, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Tucker: The Man and His Dream, Crimes and Misdemeanors)
  • 1936 Billy Guy, American singer (The Coasters)
  • 1942 Brian Wilson, Inglewood, California, musician (The Beach Boys)
  • 1945 Anne Murray, Nova Scotia, Canada, singer (Snow Bird)
  • 1946 Bob Vila, home improvement television show host (This Old House, Bob Vila’s Home Again, Bob Vila)
  • 1950 Lionel Richie, Tuskegee, Alabama, singer (Commodores)
  • 1952 John Goodman, Affton, Missouri, actor (The Big Lebowski, O Brother Where Art Thou?, Monsters, Inc.)
  • 1952 Vince Gotera, San Francisco, California, poet, best known as Editor of the North American Review
  • 1967 Nicole Kidman, Honolulu, Hawaii, American-born Australian actress (Moulin Rouge!, Batman Forever, Happy Feet, Rabbit Hole )
  • 1971 Josh Lucas, Little Rock, Arkansas, actor (Poseiden, Sweet Home Alabama, A Beautiful Mind, Glory Road)
  • 1986 Dreama Walker, Tampa, Florida, actress (Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Don’t Trust The B—- in Apartment 23)

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Change your thoughts and you change your world. – Norman Vincent Peale

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1782 The U.S. Congress adopts the Great Seal of the United States.
  • 1787 Oliver Ellsworth moves at the Federal Convention to call the government the United States.
  • 1840 Samuel Morse receives the patent for the telegraph.
  • 1863 West Virginia admitted as 35th US state.
  • 1877 World’s first commercial telephone service in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada by Alexander Graham Bell.
  • 1893 Lizzie Borden is acquitted for the murders of her father and stepmother.
  • 1919 150 die at the Teatro Yaguez fire, Mayagüez, Puerto Rico.
  • 1944 World War II: The Battle of the Philippine Sea concludes with a decisive U.S. naval victory. The lopsided naval air battle is also known as the “Great Marianas Turkey Shoot”.
  • 1948 Toast of the Town, later The Ed Sullivan Show, makes its television debut.
  • 1956 A Venezuelan Super-Constellation crashes in the Atlantic Ocean off Asbury Park, New Jersey, killing 74 people.
  • 1959 A rare June hurricane struck Canada’s Gulf of St. Lawrence killing 35.
  • 1963 “Red telephone” established between Soviet Union and United States following the Cuban Missile Crisis.
  • 1990 Asteroid Eureka is discovered.
  • 1991 The German parliament decides to move the capital from Bonn back to Berlin.
  • 2003 The WikiMedia Foundation is founded in St. Petersburg, Florida.

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A dietitian is addressing an audience in the retirement home. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can have pesticide residues, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the impurities in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after you eat it?”

A 75-year-old man In the front row stands up and says, “Wedding cake!”

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A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.”

The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?”

The doctor replied, “Marry an accountant.”

“Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient.

“No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”

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ONE-LINERS: Bumper Snickers
~ I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
~ Fight crime – Shoot back
~ Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
~ Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN
~ He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
~ I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made
~ Hang up and drive.
~ If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Over… [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
~ If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
~ Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb?

– Only one, but 200 applied for the job.

– Thirteen. One to change the bulb and a dozen others to make sure that everyone has an equal opportunity to apply for the job.
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A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.

“Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

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pic of the day: An Old Country West Virginia Mail Pouch Barn in Early Winter

Barn with Mail Pouch Tobacco sign

PHOTOGRAPHER: ForestWander Nature Photography
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ The college professor was in a terrible car accident. Seems he was grading papers on a curve.
~ As the the father porcupine said to his son just before spanking him, “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you.
~ A street performer was taken to the hospital with burns on his face. Using only gestures, he explained to the Doctor that someone in the crowd was unhappy with his act and attacked him with pepper spray, which apparently reacted with his white face paint and caused the burns.
The Doctor shook his head and said, “A mime is a terrible thing to mace.”
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We were staying at a country resort and became friendly with the handyman. “My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, case you’re interested,” he told us.

Despite its run-down appearance, we fell in love with the place and bought it “as is.”

The day we moved in, our handyman friend dropped by. “You got a good buy, ” he admitted. “Cottage needs some
work though. Roof leaks, plumbing’s shot and the well runs dry in the summer.”

Dismayed, I retorted, “Why didn’t you tell us that before we bought it?”

“Weren’t neighbors then.”
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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .

* Alex Trebek has broken a world record for game-show host after hosting 6,829 shows in his career. When asked how he’s made it through so many shows, Trebek said, “What is
Scotch?” – Jimmy Fallon

* A Colorado man unsuccessfully tried to break into a University of Colorado ATM by spraying it with acid and waiting for it to eat the protective covering away. He was caught when authorities examined the three hours of security footage of his face. – Seth Meyers

* Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don’t miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they’re drooling on. – Jimmy Fallon

* President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we’re back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he’s gone. – David Letterman

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John, my high school-aged son came home from his girlfriend’s house.

George, my other son was home from college and immediately started teasing him. I admit, I joined in a little, too.

After a while John said, “I’m going back to Sarah’s house. They like me over at Sarah’s house.”

Immediately George replies, “We like you over at Sarah’s house, too, John.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. – Miles Kington

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. – Henry Ford

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