Jokes and Trivia for February 8, 2013

Only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly. – Robert F. Kennedy

TODAY – FEBRUARY 8th – FRIDAY

39th day of 2013 with 326 to follow. 

Holidays for Today:

*Boy Scout Day

*Kite Flying Day

*Molasses Bar Day

*National Children’s Dental Health Month

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1700 Daniel Bernoulli, Groningen, Netherlands, mathematician (Bernoulli’s Principle, early Kinetic theory of gases, Thermodynamics)
  • 1820 William Tecumseh Sherman, Lancaster, Ohio, Union general during the American Civil War (‘first modern general’), author (Memoirs)
  • 1828 Jules Verne, France, author, pioneered sci-fi (From the Earth to the Moon; 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Around the World in 80 Days)
  • 1834 Dmitri Mendeleev, Russian Empire, chemist (creator of the first version of the periodic table of elements)
  • 1866 Moses Gomberg, Russian-born American chemist (known for radical chemistry)
  • 1906 Chester Carlson, Seattle, Washington, physicist and inventor (invention of Xerography)
  • 1921 Lana Turner, Wallace, Idaho, actress (Survivors, Falcon Crest)
  • 1925 Jack Lemmon, Boston, Massachusetts, actor (Days of Wine and Roses, Missing)
  • 1931 James Dean, Marion, Indiana, actor (Rebel Without a Cause)
  • 1933 Jack Larson, Los Angeles, California, actor (Adventures of Superman)
  • 1941 Nick Nolte, Omaha, Nebraska, actor (Teachers, 48 Hrs, Rich Man Poor Man)
  • 1942 Robert Klein, New York City, New York, comedian (The Owl and the Pussycat, Primary Colors, Radioland Murders, Ira and Abby, One Fine Day, Two Weeks Notice, and The Safety of Objects)
  • 1948 Ron Tyson, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,  singer (The Temptations)
  • 1949 Brooke Adams, New York City, New York, actress (Cuba, The Dead Zone, Key Exchange, Gas Food Lodging )
  • 1955 John Grisham, Jonesboro, Arkansas, writer (Client, Firm, Pelican Brief, Brethren)
  • 1955 Ethan Phillips, Garden City, New York, actor (Benson, Neelix/ST: Voyager)/ author (The Star Trek Cookbook)
  • 1966 Gary Coleman, Zion, Illinois, actor (Arnold-Diff’rent Strokes)
  • 1974 Seth Green, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (Austin Powers, Robot Chicken, Scooby Doo)
  • 1982 Danny Tamberelli, Wyckoff, New Jersey, actor (The Baby-Sitters Club)
  • 1988 Ryan Pinkston, Silver Spring, Maryland, actor (Boyband, Mother’s Little Helpers)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost. – James Thurber

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1692 A doctor in Salem Village, Massachusetts Bay Colony suggests that two girls in the family of the village minister may be suffering from bewitchment, leading to the Salem witch trials.
  • 1837 Richard Johnson becomes the first Vice President of the United States chosen by the United States Senate.
  • 1865 In the United States, Delaware voters reject the Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, and vote to continue the practice of slavery. (Delaware finally ratifies the amendment on February 12, 1901.)
  • 1887 The Dawes Act authorizes the President of the United States to survey Native American tribal land and divide it into individual allotments.
  • 1910 The Boy Scouts of America is incorporated by William D. Boyce.
  • 1915 D.W. Griffith’s controversial film The Birth of a Nation premieres in Los Angeles.
  • 1918 The Stars and Stripes newspaper is published for the first time.
  • 1922 President Warren G. Harding introduces the first radio in the White House.
  • 1963 Travel, financial and commercial transactions by United States citizens to Cuba are made illegal by the John F. Kennedy administration.
  • 1971 The Nasdaq stock market index opens for the first time.
  • 1974 After 84 days in space, the crew of the temporary American space station Skylab return to Earth.
  • 1978 Proceedings of the United States Senate are broadcast on radio for the first time.
  • 1979 Denis Sassou-Nguesso becomes the President of the Republic of the Congo for the first time.
  • 1983 Melbourne dust storm hits Australia’s second largest city, a result of the worst drought on record, a 320 metres (1,000 ft) deep dust cloud envelops the city, turning day to night.
  • 1993 General Motors sues NBC after Dateline NBC allegedly rigs two crashes intended to demonstrate that some GM pickups can easily catch fire if hit in certain places. NBC settles the lawsuit the next day.
  • 1996 The U.S. Congress passes the Communications Decency Act.
  • 1996 The massive Internet collaboration “24 Hours in Cyberspace” takes place.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A little old woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, “Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don’t want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z.”

The voice on the other end of the line said, “Would you hold the line, please, that’s a very unusual request?”

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, “Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?”

She said, “Yes, darling! I’d like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in room 302.”

He said, “Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber – Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o’clock.”

The woman said, “Thank God! That’s wonderful! She’s going home at twelve o’clock! I’m so happy to hear that. That’s wonderful news.”

The guy on the other end said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family?”

She said, “What close family? I’m Sarah Finkel! My doctor don’t tell me nothing!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A cheating husband was exposed after his wife’s parrot mimicked his voice calling out another woman’s name.

Frank Ficker, 50, has now been kicked out of the family home by wife Petra, also 50, after she heard their 12-year-old parrot Hugo impersonating him on the phone to another woman.

Petra, of Freiburg, Germany, said, ‘Hugo always liked to mimic Frank and he could do his voice perfectly.

‘Frank asking who’s at the door, Frank yelling at our nephews, Frank telling me he loved me. And then one day I heard him doing Frank’s voice, but saying ‘ Uta, Uta’.’

Petra turned the house upside down and found two plane tickets for a weekend break in Paris booked for her husband – and a mystery woman named Uta.

She said, ‘I kicked him straight out. It’s just me and my parrot now.’

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: Answers given in a Bible knowledge test

1.The first book of the Bible is Guinness’s,  In the book of Guinness Adam and Eve were created from an apple.  (Hmm could they mean Genesis?)

2.Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of the Ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.

3.Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.

4.The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

5.The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

6.Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

7.Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

8.The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he actually obeyed him.

9.Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients.

10.Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Chicken Hen & English Sparrows

picture of chicken & sparrows

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

13 Witch Puns

1)One of the witch’s coven gave birth to twins.  The problem arose when the other witches could not tell which witch was witch.

2) Member Edna was a dog trainer by day, then by night she went from wags to witches.

3) When the coven travelled to an out-of-town gathering, Martha could not make it, she was a poor traveller and phoned in broom sick.

4) Celia tried to fly to the coven meeting, but her broomstick broke, no worries, she witch-hiked with Sheila.

5) The other 12 witches asked Gladys why she put her broomstick in the washing machine.  Gladys replied that she wanted a clean sweep.

6) Ivana kept on climbing up walls so now the other members of the coven call her ‘Ivy’.

7) One day Astrid dropped off at the astrologer’s, she wanted to know her horror-scope.

8) Leslie could not distinguish between Tiny Tina and a stag the coven were chasing.   Betty said, ‘It’s easy, one is a haunted stag, the other is a stunted hag’.

9) Celia asked Edna why she carried a pencil sharpener.  ‘It’s to keep my hat pointed’, came the reply.

10) When Gladys went to the zoo she bought two tickets.  Leslie asked ‘Why?’.  ‘One to get, and one to get out replied Gladys’.

11) Astrid asked Ivy where she bought her garden furniture.  ‘At the Ideal Gnome’ exhibition’, came the reply.

12) When ever the coven have a brew up, they always drink their tea from a flying saucer.

13) What happened when the coven’s darts team lost all their matches?  They had a spell in the second division.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot

He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes,” said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Moses,” said the bird.

“That’s a stupid name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Moses?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”

The young man says, “An iron, father. How about you?”

The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: KITE

Did you know? Kites were first used by the military in ancient China over 3,000 years ago.

~The largest kite in the world is the Megabite 55 x 22 metres (630sq metres).

~Kite flying was banned in China during the Cultural Revolution, anyone found flying a kite was sent to jail for up to three years and their kites destroyed. Also, it was banned in Japan in 1760 because too many people preferred to fly kites than work.

~There are 78 rules in kite fighting in Thailand. So many!

~The aeroplane is a development of the kite.

~The Chinese believe that looking at kites high in the sky maintains good eyesight.

The Chinese believe that when you tilt your head back to look at a kite in the sky your mouth opens slightly, which gets rid of excess body heat giving you a healthy yin-yang balance.

~The Chinese name for a kite is Fen Zheng, which means wind harp

~Each year on the second Sunday of October kite flyers in nearly every country of the World unite and fly a kite to celebrate “ONE SKY ONE WORLD”.

~Kites are used for things such as scaring birds, forcasting the weather, and frighteningn away evil spirits. In the Orient, kites are given to bring people happiness, good luck, prosperity, and cure illness.

~Kite flying is one of the fastest growing sports in the world. There are more adult kite flyers than children.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

QUIP OF THE DAY: You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life – Albert Camus.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

The cause of all our personal problems and nearly all the problems of the world can be summed up in a single sentence: Human life is very deep, and our modern dominant lifestyle is not. – Bo Lozoff