Jokes and Trivia for December 10, 2012

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. ― Friedrich Nietzsche

TODAY – DECEMBER 10th – MONDAY

345th  day of 2012 with 21 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Human Rights Day

*National Lager Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1588 Isaac Beeckman, Middelburg, Dutch scientist and philosopher (virtually gave birth to modern atomism)
  • 1787 Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, pioneer in education of the deaf
  • 1830 Emily Dickinson, Amherst, Massachusetts, poet
  • 1851 Melvil Dewey, Adams Center, New York, librarian (inventor of Dewey Decimal system of library classification)
  • 1891 Nelly Sachs, Schöneberg, Germany, author (Nobel / Eli: Ein Mysterienspiel vom Leiden Israels)
  • 1903 Una Merkel, Covington, Kentucky,  actress (The Maltese Falcon, 42nd Street, Destry Rides Again, Kill the Umpire, The Mating Game, The Parent Trap)
  • 1911 Chet Huntley, Cardwell, Montana, journalist (The Huntley-Brinkley Report)
  • 1914 Dorothy Lamour, New Orleans, Louisiana, actress (“Road to..” movies with Bing Crosby & Bob Hope)
  • 1923 Harold Gould, Schenectady, New York, actor (The Golden Girls, Rhoda, The Sting, Stuart Little, Freaky Friday)
  • 1928 Dan Blocker, DeKalb, Texas, actor (Bonanza, Gunsight Ridge, Cimarron City)
  • 1933 Philip R. Craig, Santa Monica, California, mystery author (J.W. Jackson series: Vineyard Blues, Vineyard Enigma, Vineyard Prey)
  • 1941 Tommy Kirk, Louisville, Kentucky, actor (The Education of a Vampire )
  • 1952 Susan Dey, Pekin, Illinois, actress (L.A. Law )
  • 1958 John J. York, Chicago, Illinois, ctor (Dynasty, Family Ties)
  • 1960 Michael Schoeffling, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania,  actor (Sixteen Candles, Mermaids )
  • 1961 Nia Peeples, Hollywood, California, singer and actress (The Young and the Restless, Walker, Texas Ranger )
  • 1964 George Newbern, Little Rock, Arkansas,  actor (Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Saw VI)
  • 1974 Meg White, Detroit, Michigan, drummer (The White Stripes)
  • 1978 Summer Phoenix, Winter Park, Florida,  actress (Suzie Gold )
  • 1980 Sarah Chang, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, violinist (New York Philharmonic)
  • 1985 Raven-Symoné, Atlanta, Georgia, actress and singer (The Cosby Show, Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper, That’s So Raven, The Backyardigans, Dr. Dolittle, The Cheetah Girls)

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With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. ― Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1817 Mississippi becomes the 20th U.S. state.
  • 1861 During the Civil War, the Confederate States of America accept a rival state government’s pronouncement that declares Kentucky to be the 13th state of the Confederacy.
  • 1861 Forces led by Nguyen Trung Truc, an anti-colonial guerrilla leader in southern Vietnam, sink the French lorcha L’Esperance.
  • 1864 American Civil War: Sherman’s March to the Sea – Major General William Tecumseh Sherman’s Union Army troops reach the outer Confederate defenses of Savannah, Georgia.
  • 1868 The first traffic lights are installed, outside the Palace of Westminster in London. Resembling railway signals, they use semaphore arms and are illuminated at night by red and green gas lamps.
  • 1869 Kappa Sigma Fraternity is founded at the University of Virginia.
  • 1884 Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published for the first time.
  • 1899 Delta Sigma Phi Fraternity is founded at the City College of New York.
  • 1901 The first Nobel Prizes are awarded.
  • 1906 U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt wins the Nobel Peace Prize, becoming the first American to win a Nobel Prize.
  • 1927 The phrase “Grand Ole Opry” is used for the first time on-air.
  • 1932 Thailand adopts a Constitution and becomes a constitutional monarchy.
  • 1935 The Downtown Athletic Club Trophy, later renamed the Heisman Trophy, is awarded to halfback Jay Berwanger of the University of Chicago.
  • 1955 The Mighty Mouse Playhouse premieres on television.
  • 1965 The Grateful Dead’s first concert performance under this new name.

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All this spam is driving me CRAZY! Now I’m worried that I may have missed the message from my new friend, the nephew of the Director of the Nigerian Oil Consulate, confirming that he got my bank account info.

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At breakfast the new bride eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction she asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his newspaper the soon-to-be-ex-husband replied, “About six months to two years.”

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ONE-LINERS: Song for the Flu Season

Choose your partners, one and all,
Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!

Now fling those covers with all you’ve got,
One minute cold, the next minute hot,

Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don’t goof off;
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall,
Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

Remember others on the brink;
Wash your hands; wash the sink.

Wipe the doorknob, light switch too,
By George, you’ve got it, you’re doing The Flu!

Some like it cold, some like it hot;
If you like neither, get the shot.

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pic of the day: St. John’s River in Florida

picture of st. johns river

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Teacher to class: “Who can tell us the formula for water? Billy?”

“The formula for water is H20.”

“Very good. Now who can tell me the formula for ice? Little Johnny?”

“Well, if The formula for water is H2O, the formula for ice must be H2O cubed.”

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A friend who is an art student asked me if he could paint my portrait for a college class assignment. I agreed. A few days later he asked me to come with him to meet his professor. I was honored, until we got to the professor’s office. The prof looked up, mumbled “A minus” and sent us on our way.

I asked, “What was that all about?”

In answer he showed me the professor’s original evaluation of the portrait: “C. The proportions are incorrect, the head is too big, the shoulders are too wide and the feet are enormous.”

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Charity begins at home. Home is where the heart is.

The heart is a lonely hunter.

Therefore, charity begins with loners carrying firearms.

(The Covert Comic)

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: All about LAGER. . .

~There are over 200 styles of beer produced throughout the world.

~A 12 oz. beer has fewer calories than two slices of bread and contains no fat.

~Lager : Bottom fermenting yeast is used in the fermentation process. Lagers ferment at a colder temperature than ales and generally take weeks longer to ferment out than ales. Characteristically lagers are typically clearer, cleaner and crisper tasting than ales and are meant to be drunk at a colder temperature. (40-50 degrees Fahrenheit

~Did you know? Too many lagers can give you a bad case of the “beer goggles”. This happens when the alcohol in lager starts to affect your judgment, making people appear more attractive to you than they might when you’re sober.

~Lager makes you pee more than usual. For every gram of alcohol you drink, the amount you urinate increases by 10 millilitres.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself – Jessamyn West.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is a great accomplishment. – Ralph Waldo Emerson