Jokes and Trivia for August 1, 2013

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” – Maya Angelou

TODAY – August 1st – THURSDAY

213rd day of 2013 with 152 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*World Scout Scarf Day

*National Raspberry Cream Pie Day

*Statehood Day in Colorado

*Lammas in England & Scotland

*Admit You’re Happy Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 10 BC Claudius, Roman Emperor
  • 1770 William Clark, Charlottesville, Virginia, Lewis & Clark Expedition
  • 1744 Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, Bazentin, Picardie, scientist, known for  Evolution; inheritance of acquired characteristics
  • 1779 Francis Scott Key,  Carroll Co. Maryland, lawyer/composer (Star-Spangled Banner)
  • 1819 Herman Melville, New York City, New York, author (Moby Dick, Billy Budd)
  • 1885 George de Hevesy, Budapest, Hungary, chemist, role in the development of radioactive tracers to study chemical processes such as in the metabolism of animals
  • 1889 Walter Gerlach, Biebrich, Germany, physicist, co-discovered spin quantization in a magnetic field, the Stern-Gerlach effect
  • 1933 Dom DeLuise, Brooklyn, New York, comedian, actor (End, Cannonball Run, Fatso)
  • 1936 Yves Saint-Laurent, French fashion designer (Opium, Obsession)
  • 1945 Douglas D. Osheroff, Aberdeen, Washington, physicist, Nobel Prize (superfluidic nature Helium-3)
  • 1945 Sandi Griffiths, Los Angeles, California, singer (The Lawrence Welk Show)
  • 1946 Richard O Covey, Fayetteville, Arkansas, USAF/astronaut (STS 51-I, STS-26, STS-38, STS-61)
  • 1958 Michael Penn, Greenwich Village, New York City, singer and songwriter
  • 1964 Adam Duritz, Baltimore, Maryland, musician (Counting Crows)
  • 1968 Dan Donegan, Oak Lawn, Illinois, musician (Disturbed)
  • 1969 David Wain, Shaker Heights, Ohio, actor (Role Models, Wet Hot American Summer, The State)
  • 1973 Tempestt Bledsoe, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Vanessa-Cosby Show)
  • 1979 Jason Momoa, Honolulu, Hawaii, actor (Baywatch, Stargate Atlantis)
  • 1993 Leon Thomas III, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Victorious)
  • 1999 Khamani Griffin, Oakland, California, actor (Grey’s Anatomy, ER, and My Name Is Earl )

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“But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.” – Khaled Hosseini

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1774 Joseph Priestly discovers oxygen (which he called “dephlogisticated air”).
  • 1800 The Act of Union 1800 is passed in which merges the Kingdom of Great Britain and the Kingdom of Ireland into the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland.
  • 1801 First Barbary War: The American schooner USS Enterprise captures the Tripolitan polacca Tripoli in a single-ship action off the coast of modern-day Libya.
  • 1820 London’s Regent’s Canal opens.
  • 1828 Bolton and Leigh Railway opens to freight traffic.
  • 1831 A new London Bridge opens.
  • 1832 The Black Hawk War ends.
  • 1842 Lombard Street Riot erupts in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA.
  • 1855 First ascent of Monte Rosa, the second highest summit in the Alps.
  • 1876 Colorado is admitted as the 38th U.S. state.
  • 1902 The United States buys the rights to the Panama Canal from France.
  • 1941 The first Jeep is produced.
  • 1944 Anne Frank makes the last entry in her diary.
  • 1957 US and Canada form the North American Air Defense Command (NORAD).
  • 1981 MTV premiers at 12:01 AM (first video played was “Video Killed The Radio Star” by the Buggles).
  • 1993 The Great Flood of 1993 comes to a peak.
  • 1995 The first Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is held at the Plaza Hotel in New York City.
  • 1996 Michael Johnson breaks the 200m world record by 0.30 seconds with a time of 19.32 seconds at the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta, Georgia.
  • 2001 Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore has a 2-1/2 ton Ten Commandments monument installed in the rotunda of the judiciary building, leading to a lawsuit to have it removed and his own removal from office.
  • 2007 The I-35W Mississippi River Bridge spanning the Mississippi River in Minneapolis, Minnesota, collapses during the evening rush hour.
  • 2009 A shooting attack at the Gay and Lesbian Association building in Tel-Aviv, Israel, results in the deaths of two people.

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As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school’s long time Custodian, “Do you think it’s wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?”

The Custodian looked at him gravely… “We trust them with the children, don’t we?”

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A preacher is buying a parrot.

“Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.

“Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him.

“Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”

“Wonderful!” says the preacher, “but what happens if you pull both strings?”

“I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.

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ONE-LINERS: Last will & testament of a farmer

I LEAVE:

To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.

To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.

To the junk man: All my machinery. He’s had his eyes on it for years.

To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.

To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.

To the grave digger: Don’t bother. The hole I’m in now should be big enough.

And lastly

To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. “Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations.”

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A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.

“No, sir, but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either.”

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pic of the day: Farm Collie

picture of farm collie

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WARNING! ENTERING DOCTOR PUN ZONE!

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I’m a bee
Buzz off can’t you see I’m busy?

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO…
What’s wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don’t talk rubbish!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That’s baaaaaaaaaad!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I’m busy!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m a mosquito
Go away, sucker!

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A young woman wasn’t feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

“I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that.”

The woman went to the doctor’s office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.

“I’m back!”

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, “Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit.”

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Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, “I don’t trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment.”

“So what makes you think your doctor is any better?” asked his friend.

“Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you’ll die of a kidney ailment.”

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“Congratulations my boy!” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” protested his nephew.

“I know,” replied the uncle. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA:

~World Scout Scarf Day is a recent effort to encourage active and former scouts worldwide to wear their neckerchiefs in public on annually August 1 as a symbol of the scout promise and the spirit of scouting. It has been promoted on Facebook and by scouting organisations since 2007.

Lammas comes from the Old English hlaf,”loaf,” and maesse, “mass” or “feast.” Lammas derives from the ancient English festival the Gule of August, which marked the beginning of the harvest, traditionally August 1. The early English church kept this pagan dedication of the first fruits but converted it to Christian usage. Through the centuries, “loaf-mass” became corrupted in spelling and pronunciation to Lammas. On Lammas Day, loaves of bread were baked from the first-ripened grain and brought to the churches to be consecrated.  “After Lammas Day, corn ripens as much by night as by day.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” – Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey

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